~Divorce~

[redhibiscus]

~Divorce~

Very interesting thread. I have been married 20+ years and have of course considered divorce as any longterm relationship has its ups and downs.

My personal view is that it takes two people to make a marriage. If one refuses to work on the marriage, it just won't work. Sad but true. The Four Seasons of Marriage, a book, Christian oriented, talks about marriage and the hard work it takes to make it successful. It is one viewpoint.

Gearhead, hiddengoal, cinders, greeneyes, you all had great things to say. Different viewpoints, but respectful in your way of saying it. Everyone has their own journey, and divorce hurts. But it happens. The dignity and respect you have for yourselves and people in your life is apparent, and I affirm the progress you have made and the pain you are still dealing with.

For contributors who are insulting and rude, just ignore their posts. Please. This is a good thread and I would hate to have it ruined. We know who this person is and they are mentally ill, so you cannot reason with them.

It is not always what happens to you but how you choose to deal with it that makes the difference. Becoming AF and making different choices, positive choices, is what MWO forum is about. Respect, integrity, and being open to different views is part of the learning experience of this site. Have a great day.

[hiddengoal]

~Divorce~

I refuse to be taken off the topic, so will address my questions via pm.

"It takes two" - Of course.

Something else to think about in regards to, "If one refuses to work on the marriage" -
What if its just all work?

Hiddengoal

[redhibiscus]

~Divorce~

I am looking to delete my comments as I have offended others, and do not want to cause controversy. How do you delete a post? Let me know. Thanks.

[hiddengoal]

~Divorce~

There is an "Edit" button, should you choose to edit or delete

Now, back to the topic....

How HARD should people WORK at a marriage? I am not being sarcastic, but just thinking. Will both parties working at it for years bring about "Joy"? Is 'Joy' just a solitary experience?

Is it necessary to have a deep connection, so the work, isn't really work?
And what about the changes we go through over 25-30 years - what if it just doesn't work anymore?
Does the commitment we made 25 years previous mean forever in every case? Just work at it?
I don't think people should remain miserable forever.

[Gearhead]

~Divorce~

Despite all the agony I have to say all and all it's been a positive growth experience for me. At the end of the day, even though it's not what I wanted, I value my new independence and freedom. I'm focusing on my kids, fitness, and being AF. Everything else is falling into place.

Were man and woman meant to spend their whole lifes together? I don't know. As someone pointed out, it takes two. I think during my marriage we were both rowing the boat, but always out of synch.

[cowgal]

~Divorce~

sux`

I have not read much but so far divorce is sucking for me totally..................

MA

[mama bear]

~Divorce~

Cowgal!!!!
so glad to see u back!!

[BPleasant]

~Divorce~

I am newly divorced after 25 years of marriage. Many children, varying ages, slow moving to the actual finalized date, not so thought out on my way out.
Having it slow I think helped for the kids to have transitions that were not a surprise to them. Just yesterday, my X and I took one of our children, son 15, out for his birthday, and my son starting talking in front of his father about the type of man I should have a relationship with or marry next. I guess that's a sign of being well adjusted to his life.
It's been dragged out, many attempts by me to make the happy family again. Too much history, too many changes, it just isn't there anymore. We co-parent, my x gives the kids and I the bulk of his income, as it should be, the women and child(ren) shouldn't be the states problem after a divorce. We made our own divorce arrangements and agreements and told the court we didn't care what the state mandates were. I do not live in the lifestyle I would have afforded when I first filed 6 years ago, but the economy has been hit hard so I look at that as my gauge now.
It's extremely hard to plan to alter not just your lifescape but that of your children's. The newest and biggest growing 'group' out there is the divorced parents house sharing UNTIL. Keep the kids in the home, keep finances more manageable and ease out WHEN. I have lived both in house and separate from my husband, that was a soon to be x many times. The last time, we sat down and talked out an exit plan.
Considerations- trying to stay in the same school district, making sure it's not the courts that set your family up in a schedule, it's you and your family that know how you feel and what you want, talking to each other in ways that let's the other know you won't be cutting them out of anyone's life, making flexibility and harmony more available than ever before... in some ways I think my X and I worked better together at getting out than we did at staying in, but the kids are not shell shocked, they are not destitute and they know we both love them.

[hiddengoal]

~Divorce~

Thanks, bpleasant. Nice to hear there are people who manage their own 'parting' - all details of it too. Sounds so reasonable. I bet they were long years and hard times in the middle here and there. But sounds as if you have a piece of work you can all be a bit pleased about. Thanks for explaining it.

Hidden

[BPleasant]

~Divorce~

HG, Yes, there were no fights over who gets what, who sees the kids when, what the finances would be was not even a fight. Of course, there were bad and tough times, but really it was much less strife than I have heard or read about. We didn't even use attorneys, it was so much better for us than to have other peoples input and others taking money that should be for the 'family'. Also, at the court there are clerks that can lay out and provide all the needed paper work and give you information. It was fairly simple in the end.

[Gearhead]

~Divorce~

BPleasant;821096 wrote: We co-parent, my x gives the kids and I the bulk of his income, as it should be

wow...

I agree that the estranged spouse and children should not be the ward of the state, however I disagree that the other should be soley responsible for providing for his ex for eternity.. this arrangement (in particular, spousal maintenance or "alimony", please understand that I have no issue with child support) is short term and only to get the estranged spouse on their feet and into the workplace.

As BP pointed out, it is extremely important to understand that this decision WILL impact your standards of living dramatically. No matter how you slice it, two residences to support vs. one dramatically alters how much money is left. I have read somewhere that the income for the entire family is down something like 40-50% afterwards, something I can personally attest to.

[greeneyes]

~Divorce~

Got this in an e-mail today. You know I really admire Colin Tipping and his work.

> ANNOUNCING COLIN'S NEW WORKSHOP: 'RECOVERING FROM DIVORCE'
>
> Friday May 7th thru Sunday May 9 2010, Atlanta, GA
>
> A divorce or a collapse of any kind of partnership is likely to be devastating and
> disruptive to your life - and even damaging to your sense of self. But that doesn't
> mean you have to stay stuck in all the pain, discomfort and suffering for longer
> than necessary.
>
> Whether it's a business breakdown or a marriage ending, recovery from the experience
> CAN be both easy and fast - so long as you use Radical Forgiveness and Radical SELF-Forgiveness.
> We have the tools that make it work and this will be a fabulous workshop that will
> give you back your life, your joy and your self-respect.
>
> This special Radical Forgiveness workshop will enable you to bring the old relationship
> to completion in a way that ensures you don't take into the next relationship the
> energies that might have caused the divorce in the first place. The pattern needs
> to be broken! It's vital to your future.
>
> Your investment in your future is $425 or $367 if you book early.
>
> Claim your spot in the workshop NOW while places remain.

[TsHope]

~Divorce~

Thank you

hiddengoal;820695 wrote: Hey everyone -

I really appreciate ALL the thoughts, shared experiences, and comments on the topic. Everyone has a different take, but its helpful to hear all the angles from others - truly.

There are so many stages, it seems, and so many related topics. Here are a few:

Stages - Considering, Planning, Filing, Afterward
Topics - Kids, Self, Homes & Finances, how to continue....

The "rock story" resonated with me, TsHope, and others - its about the considering stage - do you ever know what's the right thing to do?

Gearhead, I appreciated your male perspective, knowing its your experience and while it can't represent all, it points us closer to the male side of it - the husbands. Thanks for your thoughts.

TsHope, I ran upon an article I think you will be interested in, as well as, others. It describes a phenomena called "The Walkaway Wife Syndrome" - who knew? Anyway, here's the link:
The Walkaway Wife Syndrome — DivorceNet

Hidden

Thank you for this.. I printed it and left it for OH to read. Hope he does. If not then I suppose I have done all I can with him? I have talked to him allot about all this but he shuts me out. Complete denial and I call it the Ostrich syndrome, stick his head in the hole and totally ignore it, then maybe it will just go away? No, it won't and his drinking is only confirming that I cannot keep this up. I can only talk so much then I have to think about my own life. 17 years of talking, working and trying. It was not a waste but it was very hard. Maybe I am just too tired to keep this up. I would like to enjoy a bit of my life. With him would be nice but without him may have to be the answer.

T