And Here We Go Again....

[reneesmiles]

I was sober for 10 years... When I left my husband 4 years ago I started drinking again.

I had been married for 13 years and although I initiated the separation and divorce, I felt lost out on my own. In my marriage I had learned to just numb out (without drinking).... I just quit feeling, wanting, desiring anything. When I struck it out on my own, I was flooded with feelings and had no idea how to cope with those feelings, so I started drinking again.

It started out how it usually does... a little at a time. Progressing to the worst state I had ever been in where alcohol is concerned. About 8 months ago I landed in detox. I had jaundice, my liver enzymes were through the roof and I could NOT stop drinking.

I started going to a non-12 step treatment program which focuses on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and uses anti-craving medications (Vivitrol = Naltrexone in shot form, and Baclofen). My insurance quit covering Vivitrol and for some reason the Naltrexone pills were not as effective. But prior to the last two months I was taking Baclofen + Naltrexone...

Last month was an emotional one for me. This month is a terrible month for me and has been for 21 years. My high-school sweetheart was killed exactly 21 years ago yesterday (March 11th). He was drunk, in a car with a drunk driver... there was an accident and he was thrown 100 feet onto the highway and run over by a semi. I can still vividly picture the accident in my mind.

So, I am worried. I have been doing really well with AF. Maybe only 1 drink a month IF that. This month so far I have drank 7 times and it is only 3/12/10. I am feeling that PULL again... you know where you don't THINK, you just do. You're off to the liquor store before you even realize what is happening.

I am still taking Baclofen... I am just getting scared. I don't want to go back to that hell again. I have 2 boys who depend on me with their life and I cannot go back there.

Any suggestions? Any help???
~Renee~

[Doggygirl]

And Here We Go Again....

Hi Reneesmiles. That sounds like such a horrific accident where you lost your HS sweetheart. I can't even imagine what those memories must be like for you. :l I admire you for recognizing the tug of AL and for wanting to do something about it NOW rather than slide back down that slippery slope, which doesn't make ANYTHING better.

I have realized that the connection to other alcoholics is very important to my sobriety - more than I originally thought. Of course MWO is an important outlet for that "on-line." Since you mention a CBT based program, have you checked out SMART Recovery? SMART Recovery? | Self Help for Alcoholism & Addiction In addition to the CBT based recovery program, they also have some groups that meet in person in some locations. The program is so much newer so of course the availability of in-person groups is a fraction of what AA has going on. I personally like the face to face support of AA but the 12 Step program are not for everyone.

I hope you can do whatever it takes to keep your sobriety through this difficult time.

DG

[sick of being sick]

And Here We Go Again....

Renee, I feel for you. My life has been hell with alcohol and drugs and I am thankful to have lived through it. I am so happy living sober. Life is great! Keep things simple. Take one day at a time. Never look back. Never look forward. Just try to get through today without alcohol. Do it for you. Do it for your sons. Do it for the memory of your lost loved one and promise him you will not end up dead like he did from this horrible disease! YOU CAN DO THIS! I stay on this site. I read every post. I post all my feelings. I go in chat every night and cry, whine, laugh and get so much encouragement and support. We are all here to help you through it. Consider us your new family. We love and care so much about you. pm me if you ever want to talk. Always there for you! :l:l

[reneesmiles]

And Here We Go Again....

The thing is it started out as emotional cravings... now it is becoming physical again (happens quickly for me).

Last week: 5 days total:
Day 1 = 2 drinks
Day 2 = 4 drinks
Day 4 = 5 drinks
Day 5 = 2.5 drinks

This week 4 days total:
Day 1 = 2 drinks
Day 2 = 2 drinks
Day 3 = Have no idea (at least a Pint of vodka, 2 Gin and Tonics & 2 shots)
Day 4 = 2 drinks

I sooo want to be AF this week (short term goal).... but don't want to disappoint myself and end up feeling like a total failure.

I have to reel it in and get it together. I have 2 children who depend on me. And when I get going on that downward spiral I become nuts (and I am not using that term loosely). I also get suicidal.

Don't know what to do. I can get an anti-craving shot called Vivitrol Monday... my insurance right now will not cover it and it costs $750.00 at the treatment center (usual price is $900.00).

Currently on Baclofen + Naltrexone tablets (Vivitrol is Nal in shot form and works way better for me).
I am willing to do anything. I will dole out that money in a heartbeat.

What do you think? Good plan? Bad plan?

(Note: I simply want the shot to get back on track again...)

Thanks,
~Renee~

[MauMcL]

And Here We Go Again....

God I have no idea...You talk about trying different drugs (I have no experience with that...But I would probably try anything if I were in your situation...), but what about meetings?

You can't do this with just drugs or just this site. At least it doesn't sound like it to me. I think some can, but others need more. Why can't you do an AA meeting every day for 90 days?

Wouldn't it be worth a try? Better than dying. You yourself said how much your boys need you. You need to increase your support and hit this from several angles. This is just my humble opinion.

I will be thinking of you and praying you find your way back out again to the light,
peace.

[rubywillow]

And Here We Go Again....

Renee, IMHO it seems your looking for one chemical to replace another. We have to work on the cause of our drinking. There are SO many reasons people drink, and maybe you already discovered yours without knowing it. 'Numbing' yourself, existing, not living. Everyday life, pain, is part of all our experience. Take a day, an hour, and sit back to really look at what you have in context to the other people in the world. I've lived with alcohol in some way all my life, and seen people pull themselves out of it. It's hard, admittedly, but ultimately, it is what we do that counts, not what we treat ourselves with.

[reneesmiles]

And Here We Go Again....

Thank you all for your feedback... I am working on anti-craving medications (not to numb), and am also concentrating on my patterns and looking at WHY I do the things I do (with drinking and all types of compulsive behaviors).

I am determined and motivated to get well. I think I am getting back on track. I realize this takes HARD work... and I was very emotional when I posted this. Just terrified really.

So I really appreciate ALL of the comments here and will take them all into consideration.

Ruby, you bring up very good points. LOOK at what is going on and why.

Again, thanks for all of your support.

Renee