Hurt Feelings

[sick of being sick]

Yesterday was such an incredible day for me! I felt great! Today, not so much. I was on the board and saw someone wanted to chat so I go into chat. I thought I was talking to a newbie and for over an hour, I poured my heart out trying to help her. The drunker she got, the more insulting she got. This morning I wake up to a pm from her that said f___you. I did not realize she had been aroung a long time, only coming to the site when she was drinking, so I've been told. I've been warned about not trying to help others and to focus on myself. Helping others does help me usually. When I got off crack, I went around giving my testimony to prisons and rehabs and anyone else who would listen. That's just me. My passion in life is to help others. I can't see that this is wrong, but maybe it is. I just don't believe there is anyone out there not worthy of giving help to, even though they may not want my help! I've been programmed my whole life to fix things, to make everyone happy. I do not know how to stay focused on myself. It feels selfish. I want your honest opinion, please. Is it wrong for me to try to help others get sober and in doing so, it is much easier for me to stay sober? Thanks for all of your advise and honesty.

[hiddengoal]

Hurt Feelings

Hi there Sick -

My honest thought on the the matter is something I see in many areas of life - it might be better to put a few miles on the road before investing so much in to others' journeys. Its great to 'want to' help, but its so easy to get pulled off your own process (whatever it is). Letting your own rubber hit the road for a while will build a stronger you that won't be easily whacked around if you give out too much energy too quickly. Just an opinion. You can be positive and contribute, but reserve some for yourself - you will be the last one standing in your own life, so might not want to be pulled off of it all the time.

Hidden

[rubywillow]

Hurt Feelings

SOBS, it's really hard when someone bites the hand that feeds them, but it happens. We try to help, we wish the best, but sometimes we get burned. That doesn't mean we stop with each bite. It just means we learn, and become wiser with our messages. It's hard when those we try to help turn on us, but it's not the end of the world. For every 5 you throw out your help, at least half find some knowledge. You figure that math!! It's always coming back, always putting yourself out there that counts.

[AMELIA]

Hurt Feelings

Hi SOS,

Yes, that would have hurt my feelings too. Especially if I had spent a considerable time in chat trying to help.

Hurtful as the PM at the end of your 'chat' may have been, you were dealing with someone who was in the process of getting wasted. She may not even remember your interaction I am afraid.

Send her a PM and tell her how you feel (by replying to her rude message). Yes this member does come to the site sometimes while drinking (not all the time), but I do think sober she is a sweet well meaning person.

I personally think it is good to help others as much as possible. As long as it does not end up being detrimental to yourself.

[rubywillow]

Hurt Feelings

And remember, it's not really personal; it who is available at the moment. The longer we're here the more we learn, and understand.

[Anotherday]

Hurt Feelings

sick of being sick,

I guess I have a different take on this. Personally, I would not invest an hour in someone who was getting wasted. I might chat for a bit and suggest he or she get some sleep, sober up and then we could chat. This is just me. I am self-protective in this regard. I don't view it as selfish.

I am sorry your feelings are hurt. This person was drunk and may not even remember the conversation or the PM. This person may be ashamed or mortified. I don't know. What I do know is you have to take care of you FIRST in this journey. Bless your heart for trying.

AD

[Anotherday]

Hurt Feelings

I'll add I once met this woman at Women for Sobriety. She called me when she was drinking. I was really trying NOT to drink. I talked to her for a bit and told her I would have to cut it short or I'd be joining her soon. So I did. Another time I did join her for an entire weekend drinking and by Sunday night, for some reason, I felt suicidal.

This same woman called me 40 times in a row despite my not wanting to talk to her, telling her I'd be willing to communicate via email instead, etc. She had no respect for my boundaries. So I guess I have to draw lines with people.

Not sure why I share this, except that I have to be very careful and not talk to people when they are drinking or the next thing you know I'll be drinking too.

[mama bear]

Hurt Feelings

SOBS...I am so sorrry someone was ugly to you. You have been great to me and I really appreciate it. Don't let them upset you...it's not worth it....just don't waste your time with them anymore.

[Doggygirl]

Hurt Feelings

Hi SOS. As an AAer I have come to believe that helping others is an important cornerstone in my own sobriety. Please don't ever loose that special spirit you have for helping others. I think it's very important and lord knows I'm grateful that people have been and still are around to help me get sober and stay sober.

I think it's also important to recognize that 1) we can't give what we don't have and 2) everyone who comes here to this forum is not sincerely looking for help.

To my thought #1 that we can only give what we have....

It's important that I ALWAYS be willing to help. But with my own limited time in sobriety (almost 22 months) and limited experience, there are limits to what I can give. As an example, I can encourage a newcomer. That is something that we can all do with even a very small amount of sobriety. To the person who believes it is impossible to stay sober for even a day, those many of us who have accomplished that can offer encouragement. On the other hand, I do not have any personal experience or training with heavy withdrawl symptoms. Other than suggest a trip to a medical facility, I am not equipped to offer advice on whether a medical facility is needed or not, or how to deal with heavy withdrawls at home.

So I have to be careful about what support I offer and make sure it's appropriate. I hope that makes sense!

To point #2 - allocated our resources to those who are sincerely looking for help. As far as this point goes within My Way Out, ALWAYS remember this is the internet where anyone can claim anything. Take some time to observe before getting emotionally invested with anyone. Some of this comes with time on the forum. Don't wear your heart on your sleeve. We are ALL sick to some degree or other here. Stuff will happen, unfortunately.

It sounds like you have done amazing service work in your recovery from drug addiction. I'm guessing you may have experienced some ups and downs while working with drug addicts in realy life. I'm guessing you probably developed a thick skin for some situations. Being of service here is like that too. It's just a matter of getting used to some of the similarities as well as differences that exist on an internet forum and in a chat room. Chat can get really crazy sometimes with "real time" typing, and no ability to look anyone in the eye. (just my opinion of one chat limitation.)

You are a terrific woman and will be an even more terrific sober woman. Just work to find your balance in this brave new world.

:l
DG

[rubywillow]

Hurt Feelings

And it's great to see so many new 'faces' around here!

[Doggygirl]

Hurt Feelings

Excellent post. We MUST protect our own sobriety first.

The best time to get help is BEFORE we take that first drink. Most experienced AAers are very up front saying they will NOT talk to anyone that is drinking. That comes from people who have been helping alcoholics for years and years and years. What that tells me is that once the drinking starts, it's too late for help until we're on the other side of it (and probably hungover!!). Unfortunately, if the only time a person asks for help is after they have already decided to get sloshed, they are not in a rational frame of mind to recieve help.

Again - excellent post and point.

DG

Anotherday;821607 wrote: I'll add I once met this woman at Women for Sobriety. She called me when she was drinking. I was really trying NOT to drink. I talked to her for a bit and told her I would have to cut it short or I'd be joining her soon. So I did. Another time I did join her for an entire weekend drinking and by Sunday night, for some reason, I felt suicidal.

This same woman called me 40 times in a row despite my not wanting to talk to her, telling her I'd be willing to communicate via email instead, etc. She had no respect for my boundaries. So I guess I have to draw lines with people.

Not sure why I share this, except that I have to be very careful and not talk to people when they are drinking or the next thing you know I'll be drinking too.

[rubywillow]

Hurt Feelings

Right, DG. Remember, when we're talking to the bottle, we're not getting through to the person.

[runningwind]

Hurt Feelings

sick of being sick, I think you have a wonderful caring spirit. Reaching out to others does make us vulnerable but I think it is worth the risk. This person, if intoxicated, would not of had thier reasoning part of the brain available to them,(for I have read, alcohol puts that part of the brain asleep). So they might very well be sorry about this later. Please don't let one bad experience, change who you are!
I appreciate you, greatly!
runningwind :l

[sick of being sick]

Hurt Feelings

Thank you all for the encouragement and advice. I am wrong to let one person discourage me. I just assume everyone here is wanting to get sober and find their way out. No one deserves not to be helped. I think about all the people who helped me, even when I fell down, they were here to pick me up and all of you have a special place in my heart. It makes no sense to me that anyone would come here if they really didn't want help but I have learned a lesson from this. No one or No situation will make me drink again, because I have so many friends and encouragers in here and I want to stay sober more than I want to breathe! Thank you all. Hoping all of you have a GREAT day!

[JimBeam911]

Hurt Feelings

SOBS,

I agree with Hidden's point about redirecting your energies toward yourself, especially during the early phases of your sobriety. Don't worry about belligerent members. It says a lot about the lack of wit this person possesses when the biggest insult she can muster in a private PM is, "F--K YOU!" Ironically, before my internet went down yesterday I distinctly recall mentioning in Chat (when you were online) the problem of members signing in while drunk and saying stupid things. Presumably you wouldn't attempt a debate with an irrational human being, so why waste your time on someone who is clearly intoxicated? Don't waste your time trying to help someone who is enveloped in drunken self-pity.