I found myself recently obsessing over a few things that THANK GOD I can laugh about today.
Some time ago I saw a short clip video on youtube from a movie that I really wanted to see. I searched high and low at the time to find an online link to this movie but to no avail. On Friday I finally came across a link to a website that had this movie. But in order to get through the site to the link I first had to prove that I was not a spybot and that I was human (a lot of sites do this so as to avoid computerized infiltration of their sites with spam and viruses). I thought it would be as simple as clicking on a button to prove this, but boy was I wrong. Instead I had to go through a process that lasted nearly 1 hour. It started out with a simple survey (or so I thought) then lead onto offer after offer, competition after competition and more surveys within surveys. The site will NOT allow you to just skip through these sections as you have to prove %100 that you are human. That meant 10 sections of these damn questions, offers and surveys, as the gauge only increased %10 at a time.
So I've been entered into competitions to win Apple iphones, food shopping vouchers, cruises around the med, holidays in Florida. I've taken surveys to do with TV adverts and No Win No Fee insurance scams etc etc. But here's the funniest part. Without me actually realising it and because of me really REALLY WANTING (not needing) to see this movie, I ended up signing up with an online broker, who informed me by e-mail yesterday that they've found me a loan company willing to accept my proposal for a loan of ?1700!!.
I thought I was just going through the motions to get to the next damn question in order to get to this sodding movie I wanted to watch!!. I also found out too that the broker charges a fee of ?46 for finding me the loan!!
I wondered whether I was sub consciously trying to prove to myself in the process that I'm not a freak 'cause of my addiction and I was determined to prove I was %100 human and ALL man!! The stupid thing is I'm an intelligent man and I'm computer literate and know my way around the internet. I should of known straight from the off where this was going to lead me. But I still persisted in thinking (Just because I really REALLY WANTED to watch this movie) that it would be different this time. Somehow If I went through all this rigmarole I would get what I wanted. This is clearly insanity!! as it was with my drinking. "This time it will be different because I really want recovery" I really did, but the same pattern of behaviour being repeated over and over was not going to get it for me!
Thankfully I was able to phone the online broker up and cancel any dealings I had with them over the phone. The only problem I have now is the HUGE amount of junk mail I'm receiving each day from these stupid companies who've also passed my information over to other companies that I may be interested in (YES I fucking agreed to all that too!! SHOOT ME NOW!)
I also found myself a few days ago becoming obsessed with trying to analyze my dreams. I should explain.
I had a dream about a month ago about a woman in fellowship. It was, shall we say, of the erotic nature. Although let's be honest here it was downright pornographic and was more animalistic than erotic. It effected me in a way that dreams usually do, shifting something in my psyche. I was somewhat disturbed by it, if I'm honest, as this woman was literally raping me, yet at the same time I was enjoying that feeling of being controlled. I have big issues around sex and being controlled due to my past so I could understand why I felt this shift. So of course I started to question what this dream was about? The Freud theorists amongst you would probably have a field day with me if I told you that I thought this had something to do with my feelings of being controlled by my mother due to her recent illness. I then wondered whether it had more to do with the fact that I may see this woman as a mother figure within the fellowship and she has been quite overly affectionate in the past. Then I wondered whether it was co-dependency issues that I have. Then I thought....... and so it went on for for a few weeks. In the meantime of course I'm still having these sexual dreams about her. So I finally approached a good friend in fellowship a few days ago and talked to him about it. He started out saying "Phil, you're analyzing this too much again!". He then went on to say (drum role) "Could it simply be, that you find this woman physically attractive and you want to have sex with her!". Of course, I immediately dismissed his claims because I thought most dreams of a sexual nature normally have nothing to do with sex! So after lots of protestations and feeling quite resentful because I wanted a RESULT from the analysis off my friend, I decided to go home and continue to analyze this on my own. Anyway to cut a long story short I finally let go of this a few days ago when I realised I couldn't see the wood for the trees. Sometimes I can get too damn analytical over the simplest of things when in fact my friend was probably right. I'm a man and of course I get sexual desires and find woman attractive. So at the end of the day I've simply put it down to being a bit sexually frustrated END OF.
See what happens when you leave an alcoholic to their own devices?lol
At least I can laugh at myself and my behaviour without it effecting anyone; and more importantly effecting me in such a way, that it would cause me to pick up a drink. Sometimes we need to laugh at ourselves because recovery is not meant to be all miserable and doom and gloom. I'm here to enjoy my recovery even the stupidity that I can portray at times, that at the end of the day just let's me know I'm only human (ARRGGHHH!) and nobody's perfect!
Love and Light
Phil
xx
Some time ago I saw a short clip video on youtube from a movie that I really wanted to see. I searched high and low at the time to find an online link to this movie but to no avail. On Friday I finally came across a link to a website that had this movie. But in order to get through the site to the link I first had to prove that I was not a spybot and that I was human (a lot of sites do this so as to avoid computerized infiltration of their sites with spam and viruses). I thought it would be as simple as clicking on a button to prove this, but boy was I wrong. Instead I had to go through a process that lasted nearly 1 hour. It started out with a simple survey (or so I thought) then lead onto offer after offer, competition after competition and more surveys within surveys. The site will NOT allow you to just skip through these sections as you have to prove %100 that you are human. That meant 10 sections of these damn questions, offers and surveys, as the gauge only increased %10 at a time.
So I've been entered into competitions to win Apple iphones, food shopping vouchers, cruises around the med, holidays in Florida. I've taken surveys to do with TV adverts and No Win No Fee insurance scams etc etc. But here's the funniest part. Without me actually realising it and because of me really REALLY WANTING (not needing) to see this movie, I ended up signing up with an online broker, who informed me by e-mail yesterday that they've found me a loan company willing to accept my proposal for a loan of ?1700!!.
I thought I was just going through the motions to get to the next damn question in order to get to this sodding movie I wanted to watch!!. I also found out too that the broker charges a fee of ?46 for finding me the loan!!
I wondered whether I was sub consciously trying to prove to myself in the process that I'm not a freak 'cause of my addiction and I was determined to prove I was %100 human and ALL man!! The stupid thing is I'm an intelligent man and I'm computer literate and know my way around the internet. I should of known straight from the off where this was going to lead me. But I still persisted in thinking (Just because I really REALLY WANTED to watch this movie) that it would be different this time. Somehow If I went through all this rigmarole I would get what I wanted. This is clearly insanity!! as it was with my drinking. "This time it will be different because I really want recovery" I really did, but the same pattern of behaviour being repeated over and over was not going to get it for me!
Thankfully I was able to phone the online broker up and cancel any dealings I had with them over the phone. The only problem I have now is the HUGE amount of junk mail I'm receiving each day from these stupid companies who've also passed my information over to other companies that I may be interested in (YES I fucking agreed to all that too!! SHOOT ME NOW!)
I also found myself a few days ago becoming obsessed with trying to analyze my dreams. I should explain.
I had a dream about a month ago about a woman in fellowship. It was, shall we say, of the erotic nature. Although let's be honest here it was downright pornographic and was more animalistic than erotic. It effected me in a way that dreams usually do, shifting something in my psyche. I was somewhat disturbed by it, if I'm honest, as this woman was literally raping me, yet at the same time I was enjoying that feeling of being controlled. I have big issues around sex and being controlled due to my past so I could understand why I felt this shift. So of course I started to question what this dream was about? The Freud theorists amongst you would probably have a field day with me if I told you that I thought this had something to do with my feelings of being controlled by my mother due to her recent illness. I then wondered whether it had more to do with the fact that I may see this woman as a mother figure within the fellowship and she has been quite overly affectionate in the past. Then I wondered whether it was co-dependency issues that I have. Then I thought....... and so it went on for for a few weeks. In the meantime of course I'm still having these sexual dreams about her. So I finally approached a good friend in fellowship a few days ago and talked to him about it. He started out saying "Phil, you're analyzing this too much again!". He then went on to say (drum role) "Could it simply be, that you find this woman physically attractive and you want to have sex with her!". Of course, I immediately dismissed his claims because I thought most dreams of a sexual nature normally have nothing to do with sex! So after lots of protestations and feeling quite resentful because I wanted a RESULT from the analysis off my friend, I decided to go home and continue to analyze this on my own. Anyway to cut a long story short I finally let go of this a few days ago when I realised I couldn't see the wood for the trees. Sometimes I can get too damn analytical over the simplest of things when in fact my friend was probably right. I'm a man and of course I get sexual desires and find woman attractive. So at the end of the day I've simply put it down to being a bit sexually frustrated END OF.
See what happens when you leave an alcoholic to their own devices?lol
At least I can laugh at myself and my behaviour without it effecting anyone; and more importantly effecting me in such a way, that it would cause me to pick up a drink. Sometimes we need to laugh at ourselves because recovery is not meant to be all miserable and doom and gloom. I'm here to enjoy my recovery even the stupidity that I can portray at times, that at the end of the day just let's me know I'm only human (ARRGGHHH!) and nobody's perfect!
Love and Light
Phil
xx
awprint: RUBY Imagine yourself doing What you love and loving What you do, Being happy From the inside Out, experiencing your Dreams wide awake, 
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