So disappointed

[sick of being sick]

Yesterday was my husband's 3rd day AF. He left me in bed sleeping this morning and went and bought a bottle. I feel so bad that I have not been there encouraging and praising him more, instead of enjoying myself every night in the chat room. Last night he couldn't sleep so I got in the bed and try to love on him. Wrong thing. He rejected me as usual, so I got up and watched TV until I fell alseep in my recliner. Crawled into bed about 5 this morning. I'm sure he felt bad for rejecting me, as this has always been a problem for us, and I probably was one of the reasons he wanted to drink so bad. I should have been there for him, but I wasn't. Now he's mad and I'm so disappointed. I know I cannot make him stop drinking but I could have been more supportive as he has no support, since he refusing to get on the site, listen to the hypnotic cds I bought, read the books I've bought. I don't know what to do. There's really nothing I can do at this point, except focus on myself not drinking tonight when he does. Today is day 10 AF for me! I WILL NOT DRINK TONIGHT NOR DO I EVER WANT TO DRINK AGAIN! Why do I always feel responsible for his drinking?

[AMELIA]

So disappointed

Hey SOS,
Your husband will get sober when he wants too. It would be great in an ideal world, if couples that drank together, could get sober together, but we all drink for a range of different reasons....
At least he had 3 days AF, so in the future, he can look at those days and know that he can do it.
If you are spending loads of time on MWO, he may feel left out. Have you explained to him that there are a lot of male members and male threads?
The more you push him, or suggest things to help him get AF, the more he may decide to do his own thing.
You are doing wonderfully well being on Day 10. Keep on doing what you are doing to remain sober. Hopefully he will join you when he is ready.

[mama bear]

So disappointed

Ditto Amelia
you cannot save him SOS....you can only save yourself right now and this is sucking all your positive energy out of you.....it has been a vicious cycle for some time now.....can you let it go for a while?????

[NoraC]

So disappointed

I think that it s huge part of our problem. We have spent so much of our time trying to please everyone else that we have shoved down our own feelings. We are finally thinking of ourselves first and we feel guilty. Don't feel guilty!! It was not your fault!! It is nver your fault!! We all make our own choices.
Good for you on 10 days.!!! :goodjob:

[rubywillow]

So disappointed

Love all the supportive things being said here. I used to stay on chat, and on here, way too much, and I've made sure in the last few months that the little time Hubs and I have together we focus on each other. (That's one of the reasons I've been scarce around here lately) Your husband drank because he CHOSE to. It's not your fault for enjoying yourself here, though he want to blame things on you. You are responsible for you, and your sobriety, as he is for himself. I know things in my life contributed to my drinking, but they were excuses, and only made things worse, and made me feel even more depressed about what was going on around me. My children and grandchildren couldn't count on me being there for them, and I still regret the time I wasted in this one and only life we're given. We're here for you; you've become part of the family here, and maybe that scares your husband, that you have a new outlet in your life, and you're doing SO well not drinking! At any rate, he has to make up his own mind, in his own time, and you can only let him know you're there to support him when he's ready.

[KateH1]

So disappointed

SOBS, Great input above!! Please listen to it! If "Love and Attention" was all that was needed to cure addiction, most of the rehabs would close! Unfortunately the only person that can change ones behavior and habits and yes, addicitons is the person themselves. We can only support and encourage.

Though I am not an AAer....the Serenity Prayer comes to mind here as it does with so many of life's frustrations! Google it, print it and keep it nearby.

Well done on day 10! Keep working on yourself and support and encourage your husband when you can.

xxx Kate

[runningwind]

So disappointed

sick of being sick, just keep walking the walk. Your husband didn't get in this place overnight. It is going to take some time to get where you are. Two good points I see, is the fact he tried in the first place and that you are sober. I know this is frustrating but your on the right track.
runningwind :l

[LVT25]

So disappointed

Dear sick,

I think I know how you feel. I blame myself for thing other people do or don't do, but the truth is, we are not that powerful, nor in control. A great book I would recommend for you is" "Co-Dependent No More" by Melody Beatty.

Hang in there.

[sick of being sick]

So disappointed

Thank you for all your encouragement and advice. This has taught me a good lesson. I am going to spend more time with him, instead of my computer. I am going to encourage him and praise him when he doesn't drink. I'll will order the book, LVT. I'll do whatever it takes for me to stay sober and to help him get sober. Thanks to all of you. Love ya, Vicki

[NoraC]

So disappointed

Do what works for you Vicki! And if spending time with him works and makes you both happy and sober, that is excellent. But, remember......we MUST do this for ourselves.
I know that for me and at this point in my recovery, I need to have time everyday to come here and connect with people that are on the same path that I am on. I have spent years being the person that takes care of everyone else.....don't worry about it because I will deal with it, I will worry about, I will take care of it. I have made the decision that I am important. And in being important - it includes some time on the computer connecting to people that are helping me.
So - we are here for you Vicki. I hope that things are going great for both you and your husband. Just know that we are here if you need us!!!:l

[Lavande]

So disappointed

Vicki,
You do have to take care of yourself so you are in shape to take care of someone else!
Do whatever you think you need to do to stay on you plan, keep making progress. Your husband will notice your improvement & may very well want to follow in your foot steps - when he is ready!

Take care of yourself!
Lav

[the bellinator]

So disappointed

First things first. Take care of you. It's kind of like on the airplane when they explain what will happen if there is a drop in oxygen. The oxygen masks will drop, and you need to take care of yourself before you take care of anyone else. If you don't take care of yourself first, you can't take care of anyone else. Make sense?