Liar

[LVT25]

Liar

Cindi--
This thread is really quite interesting. I have been on both sides of the fence. I was married to a really "bad" alcoholic many years ago. His lies were awful! I would ask him if he'd been drinking and he would be staggering and slurring his words "I HAVE NOT! And how dare you keep accusing me, I am trying so hard!" I began to think I was the most awful person in the world for not trusting him.

Then, I married a heavy-duty partier and became one myself.

You are one that seems to try so hard, and you have all the insight and knowledge in the world, but this damn addiction has it's claws in you so hard. What is interesting to me is the adrenaline thing. I am not an adrenaline junkie. I do not like to be hyped or scared. Perhaps that is why quitting was easier for me than it is for you? I do think there is science behind addiction. That is what makes some become addicted, others less so--maybe just abuse alcohol, but can quit, and for others it is just hell. For some, it kills them, plain and simple.

I don't want you to be one of the latter. You seem like such a wonderful person. I wish I had answers for you. I have to wonder if you quit your job, but you still have this "adrenaline need" then what?

I so appreciate your honesty, and it seems to me you have come a long way. Have you done the hypnosis cd's? I assume you've tried just about everything. I'll pray for you. I wish I could do more.....just don't ever quit quitting, ok? :l:h

[ATLThrash]

Liar

Me too

The lying was what finally got to me. For 38 years I was honest to a fault just about. Nov 2009 I started hiding empties or buying that odd extra wine when hubby was gone and drinking it late at night after my son was asleep. One day my son was fooling around in our formal dining room which I never go near excpet for this one instance-- to hide an empty in the china cabinet drawers until I could take it out without hubby seeing. Son found the bottle and asked why it was there and why it was empty (and he is 4!). I was so ashamed and since i came here I have been doing so much better. Not having a job for me is probably bad as I get bored and then want to drink. But i the job is causing you to increase the booze-- if you can quit-- do!

[hart]

Liar

((((Cinders)))) My dear friend. I understand completely. With me it's my husband and me that lie together, but it's still lying. Oh, we will go one week we don't even go one day. Oh we will quit next month HELLO it's next month and we are drinking.

I don't know what can knock sense into us.

You are doing so many of the right things, hon. AA, posting on here, listening to your hubby and as others have said, u KNOW ur job is a major trigger. On the road it is very hard not to drink with the lonliness, time on ones hands, etc.

Only we can decide not to drink. I know you can, you just really have to want to...

[Doggygirl]

Liar

Hi Cinders. Liar liar pants on fire. That was me. And at the time, I didn't even realize and fess up with myself about how much I was lying. ITA with everyone who has said alcohol addiction makes liars out of all of us. I also agree with Greenie that the AL lies do not have to define us. Change is infinitely possible once we get rid of the AL. Easier said than done.

Cindi, I used to be an adrenaline junkie workaholic sky diving road horse riding crazy alcoholic. I'm not really that way any more and I'm not sure why. Was it giving up the corporate ladder job? Quitting drinking? Getting older? Some combination of all of that? Something else? I don't know.

I DO know that when I was still in the ladder climbin' hard drivin' corporate world (and traveling quite a bit) I couldn't put two AF days together. But I don't think I really tried too hard. Had I found MWO and AA during that time, could I have quit? I have no idea. I DID think my excessive drinking was due in large part to the stress of my job. But was it really? I don't know. That might have been just another lie.

When I finally quit my job (before getting fired for drinking behavior), I thought my drinking would get better. It didn't. I ended up doing what Marshy described and drank even more (there was nothing to stop me from skipping the coffee and going straight for the vodka at 6AM). I just did it for a lot longer than 3 months.

By the same token, I can relate to what Guitarista said. I too put as much control as humanly possible on my environment to minimize triggers until I got my sober feet under me. If I had seriously tried to quit while I was still working in the corporate job, I don't know.

On the other hand, our own Phil (cpn... can't recall the whole screen name right now) HAS managed to get some sobriety strung together despite all the business travel. It can be done.

What is your plan Cindi? Do you have a structure to each and every day - a set of very specific things you do EVERY day to give you the best possible shot at sobriety? For me, I have to keep up with my daily routine for sobriety. (certain prayers, call my sponsor, AA meetings, etc.) At times when for some reason I have drifted from that, I can feel AL lurking around my head. Most of all, what things are on your list that you will absolutely do before you pick up a drink? (to ride out the urge - i.e. 1) call sponsor 2) read 50 posts at MWO 3) walk for 1/2 mile 4) look at pictures of my family, whatever is on your list)

The most important thing is to never quit trying. One of my AA friends made 90 days today, and she has been going to AA off and on for over 20 years and never picked up a 30 day coin before this time. I truly believe the miracle can happen for all of us.

Another ramble..

DG

[KateH1]

Liar

Lots of good input here. I relate a lot to what DG has said.

Actually I think the biggest lies are those that we tell ourselves. The "excuses we make up for drinking"....we need to relax, unwind, have fun, celebrate, feel happy etc. etc. etc......if any of these lies were true, we would all be out drinking and not here, working on not drinking!

The worst lie of all is when we pick up the bottle for the first drink of the day, and tell ourselves that "This time it will be different". We know full well that it is always the same, just different degrees of destructive behavior.

So, I think the primary question is, how much longer are you going to lie to yourself?

[LT]

Liar

Cyn,

Sheri has a good point -- the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) entitles you to 12 weeks paid leave. Your Dr. surely would support this... even if it is just two weeks... something to consider. :l

[Cinders]

Liar

I have looked into the FMLA, but my company expressly denies it for addiction.

However, it is possible my doctor might give me some help in getting it.

I'll look into it again with her.

Thanks for the thoughts, all.

Love,
Cindi

[beautifulred]

Liar

((((Cinders))))) I can also relate. Having recently learned that my current boss (a really proficient, honest, caring person) has tendered his resignation and his replacement is a tyrant....I applied for a job that I thought I was quite suited for. I just got an email from their personnel department saying that they thought I would be better fit for a job that was in customer service, was very highly stressful and required only a GED. Now don't get me wrong, I am not above any job and should be thrilled that they even responded but I have a college degree and 20 years experience at what I applied for. These situations throw us for a loop...to say the least. I whine and bemoan my situation when I know there are wonderful folks out there that cannot get a job so I almost feel bad for posting this but I sat back and thought, "do I really have it that bad?", "am I giving this future boss a chance?" I feel better having posted now.....sometimes it takes writing out your feelings to see things in the light they deserve. I rambled but please know that your thread helped me to get a grip on my issues.

Cindi....I hope you find your answers, sometimes they are right infront of you.

Love, T