The complexities of life.

[Cinders]

I can't say much because it is all too private but...

I am trying to get sober and stay sober (no moderation here, not one whit, when I drink, I get drunk and I black out. I am a late stager.). I have a hubby who has issues with just saying what he thinks, except to me, he says it all to me, all day long and all night long.

I have a daughter who is a wonderful person but she is pregnant, an alcoholic and dealing with that. Need I say more? Oh, and she has two children, the other on the way and two step children and a very controlling husband.

I have a son and a DIL who are both alcoholics and they have two beautiful children.

It gets complex.

Sober is best.

I want to be sober but my "head" tells me, I want THEM to be sober. WTF???

If I can't do it, how can I ask them to do it?

Love,
Cindi

[rubywillow]

The complexities of life.

That's a tough one, Cin. I don't know know what I'd do in your situation exactly, but I do know it all starts with us. We can help the ones we love, but can only fix ourselves. :hug:

[mama bear]

The complexities of life.

You can do it, you are working on it, and you can try to set the example for them...at least you are trying...

[Cinders]

The complexities of life.

Thanks, Rubes.

You know? I go to bed at night suffering from their suffering.

Any mother can understand.

I wasn't the "drunk I am now" until they were both drunks. My gastric bypass made me a drunk. (or sped it up hugely..)

I used to wonder why they could not just "stop" or "control."

Today I can.

I am very, very tired of trying to take care of me and them.

But I have such beautiful grandchildren.

They do not deserve to be hurt because of this disease.

Damn the medical community and life in general.

My grandchildren should be happy-go-lucky people. They are all extremely beautiful, as you all know.

But this addiction hangs over their heads like an iron weight.

That makes me sick. Sick to my soul.

I would rather die than see them go through what I have been through.

But they already have.

Cr@p.

Love,
Cindi

[gyco]

The complexities of life.

hi cinders,we lern what were tot,the biggest thing with sobriety,is you have to accept yourself,whether you totally abstain or mod,ive done both,been working at it for a long time,accepting me,mite sound selfish,but i have lerned ,just that, to me,it is the only way,my sognifcant other half,had all the rt to complain,i was an abnoxious drinker,ive lerned to do without,and at many points of my life,i could mod,i, we,no when its to much,i dont beleive ,we need a script to tell us that,nor a lecture,cinders,you have to lern to accept you,hope it makes sense,gyco

[Cinders]

The complexities of life.

I can't accpet myself.

I knew from very early one that I was not acceptable.

But so do many sober people.

That is not an excuse.

Love,
Cindi

[rubywillow]

The complexities of life.

I so wish you didn't feel that way about yourself. I know nothing I say right know will change what it's taken you a lifetime to believe, but I dount believe it about you at all.

[individualnz]

The complexities of life.

I can relate to you Cinders, different circumstances but same result on how you ending up feeling about yourself. People say not to compare yourself to others, (I find that really hard), for you will end up coming off second best. You are doing the best you can possibly can, if you were not doing that you would not be here. Sober people also have their ways and means of dealing with stuff, and even tho they are sober it doesnt make them a better person, or the way that they are dealing with stuff is healthy either. There are many many people not yet even in the realm of seeing what is wrong in order to help themselves. You are in that realm, and you are trying, that is awesome, so give yourself a pat on the back, you are taking a leap of faith so feel very very good about that.

indiv x

[Gold]

The complexities of life.

Cinders;833501 wrote: I can't accpet myself.

I knew from very early one that I was not acceptable.

But so do many sober people.

That is not an excuse.

Love,
Cindi

Not an excuse, but drinking is a way to sabotage yourself and people who don't drink find other ways to sabotage themselves if they believe themselves to be unacceptable. I think most of us find that to some degree or other; families, society, religion, education and so on want us to conform and when we don't, especially growing up, it is easy to form the wrong view of ourselves.

Your situation sounds difficult, worry about others we care about is debilitating. All I can suggest is something that worked for me when I worried about so many things, it is simply to be in the moment, no past, no future, only now, that is all there is.

There is an exercise called Surrendering to the Void, it is a way of letting go of things and just being. Let me know if you would like me to send it to you.

[individualnz]

The complexities of life.

Hi Gold,

Well said, I coulnt agree more. Do you have a link the the 'Surrender to the Void' I would be interested in giving it a shot also!

[gyco]

The complexities of life.

cinders,i do wish you well,i do hope you find what your looking for,it took me many years,gyco

[Doggygirl]

The complexities of life.

Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change,
The courage to change the one I can,
And the wisdom to know it's me.

I can't even imagine how much you must wish you could change the alcoholics in your family, who are all affecting each other and most importantly, affecting the next generation.

But there really is only one person you can change. I pray that you find the courage and strength to do that. I know that would be a great gift to both you AND your grandchildren.

Love,
DG

[KateH1]

The complexities of life.

Cindi,
This is the 5th reply that I have written to this thread today. I erased all the others. Oh...they were heartfelt and true....but, intense, perhaps too intense. But, this lets you know how deeply I am touched by your struggle!

Cindi, over the past 2.5 years, we have shared a lot! We do not always agree, but we are always friends. True friends do not always agree. Quite often we learn much more from a different point of view.

I am going to add just one thought to the mix here. Many times you have said that you would "Die" for your kids and grandkids. That you "would do anything" to help rid them of this horrible disease of alcoholism. My question is, WILL YOU STOP DRINKING FOR THEM? Dying will not help them, in fact, it would be the worst possible scenario. But, you finally stopping the excuses and the wallowing in the bottle can help! I don't care what the latest labels you have added to your arsenal of reasons and excuses that you do not stop. YOU CAN STOP!

Please, give yourself and your family the Greatest Gift you will ever give them. Give them YOU....not the alcohol soaked eternally sad, Cindi. But the sober, strong, intelligent and loving Cindi that we all know is there!

You Can Create the Change you Want!
Love,
Kate

[rubywillow]

The complexities of life.

Well said, Kate. I'd like that link to, Gold.

[Going Strong]

The complexities of life.

Cindi,

I am at work so need to be quick but hugs to you in your struggle.

You have achieved periods of not drinking is...... there anyway you can hold onto that?

You are such a beautiful person who always take time to help others.

Now it's time to concentrate on yourself.

Give yourself the love you deserve and lead by example.

That is all we can do.

We can't take the bottle out of their hands but we can show them how to live without it.

Take Care Shas :tempted: