argument time what do you do??

[Savannah]

Besides grabbing that bottle of wine, or smoking that last pack of smokes, when you get in an argument with your significant other, what do you do?? Do you just tell it like it is, or find another room to storm into?

[byebyebridgetjones]

argument time what do you do??

Great subject.
Maybe the difference between us and the 'norms' is that they are used to conflicting honestly, telling it like it is, and taking the conflict right through to a resolution.
Without alcohol, let's face it, the argument is MUCH less likely to get convoluted and escalate to nasty places. You're also probably less likely to back down and give up, just hiding in the drink.
Surely with a few reasonable rules, some time out or a walk if you need it to freshen up and blow the cobwebs, it can be a constructive experience ???
Let's see how we BOTH go with that :H

[Eve11]

argument time what do you do??

The last time hubby and I had a disagreement and I was mad at him he said "Do you want to be right or do you want to be friends?"

Well...duh...that was an easy one to answer. End of argument.

We weren't drinking at the time - point to remember...the drinking can really escalate things and make people not think rationally. Try to never go running to the bottle. Always best to try to communicate with the spouse and work it out.

Use my hubby's line next time.

:l
Eve11

[hillsidetime]

argument time what do you do??

Hi Savannah, you raise an interesting point. Byebye and Eve make good points for sure. One interesting thing I am finding now that I have been af for a few months is that when my wife and I start to enter an argument, I can be firm but not angry. Also I find I can make strong and simple cases to defend my side, or I can gracefully accept her side if it is better.

AND THE BEAUTY OF IT ALL IS - no matter what we used to argue about, she would often bring in her silver bullet - my drinking. We could be fighting about a parenting technique, and somehow she would then attack my drinking. Now, she no longer has that ace to play, and does it ever level the playing field. Take care,
Hill

[KatieB]

argument time what do you do??

With arguing.. remember to never attack each other on personal level.. its important to only argue about issues! I used to always reach for AL when me and my ex argued as he always attacked me verbally, putting me down in all ways - hence why he is my ex and why I am doing so well without him!
I think it's always best when it gets really heated, is to give each other space to cool down and collect your thoughts - go to another room or for a walk.. often this gives you time to think about what you want to say - unlike if you carry on, it often becomes more about "winning".. good luck,
Katie xx

[Guest]

argument time what do you do??

Im currently undergoing relationship counselling and have found the following info from the counsellor useful re arguing...not the Doctor Phill pop pscych bollocks . Be truthful ... relationships need work after a while that inital spark of falling in love all though wonderful at the time and you know is going to last forever..... wanes..... but I DO believe in long life healthy loving relationships...(the disclaimer is this does NOT apply to emotionaly or physicall abusive relation ships particulary where excessive alcohol is in the mix ....thats a dead end game)

Arguments are inevitable in nearly every relationship. The test of a healthy relationship is not whether disagreements occur, but in how the arguments are conducted.


See the other side

Since much of life is subjective, people have different points of view. In many instances, people with differing opinions may both have valid ideas. When you are arguing with someone, take time to investigate how the other person came to his conclusion. Ask questions to find out how he came to his decisions and look at the issue from both sides. While this may not make you change your opinion, it will help establish respect for both parties involved and allow you to keep the discussion rational.



Really listen

Not only do you need to be willing to really express yourself in an argument, but you need to take time to listen to your partner. If you are unclear what someone is saying, ask him to clarify. If you think you understand his point, reiterate it back to him asking him to confirm you are correct in your comprehension. This will assure your partner that you really value what he is saying and that you care enough to listen.


Keep your discourse honest and polite

Good relationships are based on trust and honesty. Be respectful enough of your partner and of the relationship you share to tell the truth even when you are arguing. At the same time, it is important to trust your partner and what he is saying so that you can develop trust and honesty both ways.


It is also very important to keep your conversation polite and respectful. Name-calling and verbal abuse quickly break down communication and are only counter-productive. While it may be tempting to denigrate someone in the heat of discord, in the long run it serves no positive purpose. This kind of lashing out tears down a relationship, when the goal of an argument should be to discuss differences in order to build up the partnership.


Find the real issue

Often, the things people argue about are minor irritations and are not the real issues in their relationships. Arguments can become a catchall for every upset and unhappiness that has occurred, which only leads to confusion; it is difficult to solve a problem when you cannot even identify what the real problem is. If you find yourself frequently having blow-ups over the toothpaste cap or the milk carton, look beyond these discussions for the real issues. Is there a battle over control in the relationship? Is there resentment over a broken promise? While the real issue can seem more difficult to discuss, in the long run working it out will lead to increased satisfaction and harmony in the relationship.


Argue in private

While it can be difficult for parents to find time away from their children, it is important not to argue in front of the kids. Young children simply do not have the maturity to witness large arguments without being harmed and it is difficult for a couple to have a fair and honest disagreement with an audience. It is also important not to argue in front of friends and family or in public places since these also constrain your ability to have a productive conclusion to your argument.

Of course none of the above applies if you are rat arsed pissed...drunks cant have realtionships they are attached to the bottle which will consistently take away the inate ability to be a loving human being

My view..... sometimes in the end some relationships just come to a stop sign..... best to find a amicable departure and move on

Reg

[KatieB]

argument time what do you do??

What a great post, Reggie - I think I will print that out and keep for future reference for my next relationship!
Katie xx

[rubywillow]

argument time what do you do??

Savannah, you have reached out wonderfully and been rewarded profoundly with info. The only thing I add is that all of your emotions affect your baby. Strive for calm, put your well-being first. Don't'argue' but agree to discuss the problems.

BTW: Kudos, Reggie.

[gyco]

argument time what do you do??

interesting topic,interesting answers,i think we all no,the more you consume,the worse it gets,in more ways then ONE,the drink thing will always be used,we or i shoukd say, abused it ,ive kinda of used reverse psycology now,i tried not doing the talking,other then being together , there is so much more to a relationship,then drink or drugging,its ahrd WORK,hahahha,,i was the talker with drink,and without,i can be wrong either way,when i drank to much,in the end it got out of hand,almost to the point,[physical]for me to realise,vioence was coming into the conclusion,when im not a violent person,is frikken scary,specially to someone i love at times more then life,ive been around the bend more then once,just took longer to realise,thnx for the thread,gave me a chance to vent,isnt that what this is all about,your trying thats all that matters to have a great day,and i wish you well with the baby gyco

[rubywillow]

argument time what do you do??

Wrong place maybe to say this, but Gyco, you always speak from the heart. And experience. For newbies who don't know Gy, constant pain affects his typing, but somehow, thank goodness, the sober message gets through. Sav, this guy knows what he's talking about.

(Can't help you with the spelling, buddy! :H)

[catch22]

argument time what do you do??

KatieB im printing that one out 2 ! Great post Reggie i need to use that one next time !

[Savannah]

argument time what do you do??

:thanks: U all know the right words to say!

[rubywillow]

argument time what do you do??

Still eating well, Sav?