Why am so spineless

[Northgirl]

Hi

I've been AF for two days now, and that's as far as I seem to get, although I did previously get 16 days AF under my belt?? I honestly dont know how I did it. I've been quite depressed for quite a while, the doc put me on some anti-depressants ages ago and I put on 3 stone, so stopped them....I drank just as much whilst taking them so I guess they didnt work. But honestly all my depression and anxiety (which gets really bad) is caused by AL, this is how my life is, and its really hard to be so brutally honest, but here goes:

wake up - scared to even open my eyes, wondering just how crap Im going to feel. Then lay in bed attempting to back track to 6pm the night before to wonder what Ive done, what i've said, who I've upset. I check the iphone for calls, texts, emails that I may have made, and why.

Get up - Feel too awful to shower straight way, so drink a ltr of water, put on abit of makeup and chuck some clothes on. Get the kids ready for school, shaking and probably being quite short. Brush my teeth whilst trying not to throw up.

Out - take the kids to school. Come home with baby and 90% of the time dont go out again, I feel so horrible about myself for being so overweight I dont have the confidence to go anywhere anymore, even do my shopping online.

3pm - Drive the mile to school to pick the kids up, stay in the car so I dont have to see anyone, then go straight home.

Evening - Kids have lots of activities, but my husband takes them, I use the baby as an excuse not to go out. I open the first bottle of wine anywhere between 4-5, when I drink the depression is eased, Im not so anxious that i jump at my own shadow, I dont cry about being so fat, I dont cry about being so unhapy..... That is until the end of the second bottle, sometimes the third, at which point everything gets too much and I'll either fall down crying or have a go at my husband. Then I'll go to bed.

Early hours - I always wake at 2am for about half an hour, my heart beats so fast I can hear it. I will go back to sleep. Then I'll wake again at about 5am and lay awake for about an hour telling myself how today is going to be the start, no drinking, losing weight.....but it never is.

I have the supplements, I have the desire to stop, I have the CD's, I have my husband's backing and everything to fight for, but I fail everytime. I have 120 topamax tablets sat in my drawer that I ordered from River and have I got the guts to take them....NO, ofcourse I dont, they are what I need, they could help me with my AL addiction (for 6 yrs it has been v heavy) and my weight, but because I am always so nervous about everything I do, I dont have the balls to risk a few side effects and take them????? Because of what I've read on the internet, I've convinced myself that I'm going to go blind, lose all my hair, end up in hospital because I've taken a drug that wasnt prescribed and probably die, all because of topamax.

Sorry for going on and on, and boring you, but thank you for reading.

xxxxxx

[girly wirly]

Why am so spineless

northgirl

i'm from up north uk. your post has just described me in exact detail. don't feel alone, it describes lots of us on here. i'm sitting on here to get my 3rd sober night under my belt. take a look around, get some inspiration, keep posting, but most of all keep your chin up xx

think maybe you should see the gp and try some different anti d's?

much love honey xxxxx:l

[Montana Mommy]

Why am so spineless

I can too relate. My depression is only when Im hung over and it is sheer hell. Fortunately the day after the hangover Im back to being happy. Going thru facebook posts deleting lots of things, Ohh I know too well. I agree with girly whirly, keep posting and reading and keep your chin up. Im only on day 3 and I feel so much better.

[Marshy]

Why am so spineless

Hi Northgirl,

I don't know about depression (postnatal depression?) or anti-depressants but maybe you could go back to your doc if it's been a while and talk it over with her/him again, and tell them about your drinking as well to see if they are willing to prescribe something for that. At least then you'd know what you were taking was safe.

How did you stay AF for 16 days? Think about what you did then that you're not doing now (distracting yourself when you thought about drinking, maybe? finding something to keep you busy?).

I know how difficult it is to break the cycle of drinking and feeling horrible physically and mentally. You need a bag of tricks to help you and need to find out what works for you.
Have you had a look at the Tool Box thread to get some ideas? https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html

[fennel]

Why am so spineless

Hi, Northgirl...
I don't know about you, but telling people in my life about my problem guarantees I'll do something about it. Can you tell your husband you feel you have a problem and you want to do something about it? As the other posters suggested, perhaps speaking to your doctor might be helpful? It's hard for antidepressants to work well while you're drinking.

If it's any help, I'm starting my second week on Topamax. The drug is doing everything it's supposed to do- it massively cut cravings, and while weight loss was not on my agenda, I've lost almost 2 kgs. Here are the side effects that I've noticed. A "fogginess" that seems to be fading. Initially, Topa caused food to taste bad, but that seems to be fading, too. The only other thing that remains is that all carbonated drinks taste flat to me.

I hope you feel better soon.

[daybyday]

Why am so spineless

Your post rang so true to my life too. I know the waking up at 2am with anxiety and then again at 5am wondering what you did the night before. I have blacked out at least 3 times in the past month. I've become reclusive as well due to shame and dread so many times in my life I've lost count.
I am new to this and on Day 3 of staying sober. This site helps so much. Having someone (all these special someones) to talk to when the cravings start or when I feel lonely has been a a huge help in just 2 days.

:welcome:You are not alone and I send you a big hug.:l




Marshy, thank you for sharing the Tool Box, I am new and hadn't seen that. Looks like a great idea to use.

[hazeleyes]

Why am so spineless

Hi Northgirl
Thanks for having the courage to share. Please don't beat yourself up so much. You are a great person and you can change your life. Nothing is impossible, no matter how heavy or how many days you have been drinking. Dont give up.

I'm trying to lose weight as well and I have some pictures of what I want to look like. I put them on my bedroom wall and look at them many times a day to motivate me. I know it will take a long time to look like them but when you see shows like The Biggest Loser etc you know it is possible.

Set your long term goals, then make daily goals, then focus on positive thoughts and shake away the negative ones.

You can do it, I know you can...I can feel it.
H

[mama bear]

Why am so spineless

Oh Baby...You have so much to live for....YOU HAVE TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR
I am on Topa and the side effects are not nearly as bad as being hungover and sick everyday
I work full time, am married and have two kids....
please talk to your GP and get on some AD's and keep talking to us
You are so blessed to have a loving husband....do you want to lose that?

[aspman]

Why am so spineless

hi north, i just want to add my suport. keep trying, my gp got me on campral and it has saved my life.
the tool box realy has some good ideas, dont be shy,post often.

i liked this analigy when i started. https://www.mywayout.org/community/f9...pool-7887.html

[Guest]

Why am so spineless

Hi North

I've been exactly where you are at times just minus the husband and childs. Meds didn't do it for me (assuming I've turned the corner now), what did was learning to look at life in a completely different way and also put myself no.1. Difficult if you have a family but then again I have a demanding business with parents, sibling and the odd boyfriend/suitor who all want my attentions, plus a qualification I've been studying towards that I really want.

I just had to put all of that to one side and it took a long time to put my dreams, desires, wanting to people please all the time away. It was only when I was desperate enough to be able to say "Enough" I then changed.

You'll get there and remember this addiction thing is difficult -if it wasn't it wouldn't be a problem for anyone.

[godknowsImtrying]

Why am so spineless

I can so relate as well, especially the panic/anxiety upon waking and the resulting isolation---using any excuse to avoid. But it can get better.

If you've been on antidepressants before, why not just ask for the Topamax so you'll be under care and feel a bit better about it?

For me, I have some benzos and have started back on Wellbutrin to deal with the depression (which sounds like how you feel) and have done a major cut back on the AL consumption recently so I don't have the horror of quick withdraw from a long period of drinking. I understand that some may not agree, but for me, the decision to simply cut down has lead to much longer periods of being AF...and the idea of cutting yourself some slack by taking a bit to relieve the pain/anxiety of stopping helps--especially as you have a baby to take care of everyday.

Your story sounds so much like mine. The Wellbutrin really helped me to lose some of the weight, but it can be too stimulating for some. Since you have the history, though, it wouldn't be such a bad idea to go back to your doctor even if you do have the Topomax. Being responsible for children makes any med change a BIG DEAL.

Maybe, just maybe...you can stick around, cut back, get motivated to change. The panic in the morning has got to be addressed. It's horrible, I know. And with kids, you can't just hang out all day feeling sorry for yourself.

[spuddleduck]

Why am so spineless

hi northgirl. all your issues will be so much easier to deal with without al. wish you luck on you journey