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    #1

    Should partner of alcoholic drink?

    I have been sober almost two months and with my girlfriend around three months. Early on in our relationship I came to the realization that I needed to get a handle on my excessive drinking. I did not drink every night and was functional, but drank 8+ beers more nights than not. Even though it was early on, she said she would support me in my quest to live a healthy lifestyle. She said she would not drink as well. I've sought counseling and have had minimal urges to drink as time went by. My girlfriend has not drank during this time and alcohol has not been a part of our relationship.

    Last week, she said that at some point she would like to drink wine occasionally with her friends, but not to excess. For various reasons this really bothers me and we seem to have issues working past it. Is it unreasonable to ask that she abstain from alcohol with me? Alcohol has not been present and I do not see the need to have to make it a part our our lives. I realize that she does not have the problem that I do and I do not wish to control her. At the same time I think about scenarios such as her coming home after drinking and not being able to be close to her because of the smell and taste of alcohol being present. I do not want to have to isolate myself or live double lives. Has anyone gone through this and how did you resolve things?
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    #2
    Should partner of alcoholic drink?

    Welcome, gilescory. This is a very big subject, and a difficult to answer. Hubs drinks, but didn't keep it in the house for a long time. I'm OK with it now, but everyone is different. If it IS a big issue for you, then it's definitely something to work on together. I hope you get some good suggestions from others who are dealing with the same problem.
    sigpic
    Never look down on a person unless you are offering them a hand up.
    awprint: RUBY Imagine yourself doing What you love and loving What you do, Being happy From the inside Out, experiencing your Dreams wide awake, Being creative, being Unique, being you - changing things to the way YOU know they can BE - Living the Life you Always imagined.awprint:

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      #3
      Should partner of alcoholic drink?

      Hi gilescory. It's good that the two of you are working to sort this out now since it is still early in your relationship. If drinking is a problem for you, then IMO it is very important to make sure you have a workable agreement with whoever you date - an agreement that allows you to stay sober.

      My husband is a normal drinker. (not a problem drinker in denial - a TRULY normal drinker who can take it or leave it) To support my need to stay sober, he does not drink alcohol when I am around. By mutual agreement, he occassionally has a beer (and for him, "a beer" = 1) with his friends when I am not around. (i.e. he trains dogs with a group on Saturdays and will sometimes have a beer after training. Drinking is NEVER the main focus of what he is doing)

      For me, that is a workable arrangement. For someone else, it might not be.

      This is a very important decision for you. Much easier to figure it out NOW rather than being already married, and then trying to come to a workable agreement. That can be very difficult for some people.

      Best wishes to you. Put your sobriety first and the rest of your life will be easier to work out.

      DG
      Sobriety Date = 5/22/08
      Nicotine Free Date = 2/27/07

      One day at a time.

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        #4
        Should partner of alcoholic drink?

        Hi gilescory :welcome: to mwo.

        It good that you were up front with your g/f with your drinking, she sound like she a great support for you and understands.
        This time round my husband stop drinking in the house for me, but then he can take it or leave it. But it has help me a lot i know there will be a day he might want to have a beer and sit down and relax and watch t.v. Im hoping by then i will be strong enough were it will not bother me anymore, all in good time. Like Ruby said about AL in the house, for not to long, because if i was honest if there was AL in my house it will get my brain Thinking and that is not a good thing for me.
        You say that your g/f at some point would like to drink wine with her friends occasionally, BUT not to EXCESS. I think the main thing is that she will be going out with her friends drinking and ( not drinking in the house next to you) it sound like to me that she will not be coming home drunk...
        Also you said you go counselling, i to go counselling and i didn't realise they do one's for partners so that they can understand what your going through and also that they dont feel left out.

        Take care now and all the best 2u.
        Formerly known as Teardrop:l
        sober dry since 11th Jan '2010' relapse/slip on 23/7/13 working in progress ! Sober date 25/7/13 ( True learning has often followed an eclipse, a time of darkness, but with each cycle of my recovery, the light grows stronger and my vision is clearer. (AA)
        my desire to avoid hitting bottom again was more powerful then my desire to drink !

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          #5
          Should partner of alcoholic drink?

          my partner offered to stop drinking with me but i said no as i know he enjoys drinking and i know this is my problem not his. i didnt feel comfortable with him stopping something he enjoys. he has a couple of beers if we go out for a meal and he occasionally has a bit of a session with his mate (i pick them up from the pub). when im not comfortable i just keep out of the way. well done for thinking about this, its a very good point which you do what is best for you both
          Today is the tomorrow i worried about yesterday and it turned out fine
          Keep passing the open windows

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            #6
            Should partner of alcoholic drink?

            this has been an ongoing issue for me and my sweet husband...he goes and meets his buddies at a local bar and had 4 or 5 beers about three nights a week....bear in mind he is an ex-college football player, so he can drink alot.......
            anyway.....he has no problem stopping.....I do...plus he really enjoys his time with his buddies.......
            I resented it at first and felt jealous, but now I realize this is my problem to fix.
            We have no alcohol in the house, and we have talked ALOT about my issues.....
            As long as I don't stop on the way home from work and buy beer....we are good.
            It's tough, I'll admit, becasue I still use his time at the bar as a good reason to catch a buzz....but I am getting past that too....
            I love my family more than alcohol.:h
            Live in the Solution....not the problem

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              #7
              Should partner of alcoholic drink?

              my hubby knows when to stop too mama . I don't- like you. Why is that ? Why is that beast always standing over my shoulder waiting for me to let my guard down
              DLW
              Sobriety since October 2008 ( with a few bumps in the road ) - but I am still here, strong and fighting every day for my sobriety!
              And every day is a challenge - But I am WINNING so far!



              • Yesterday is History
                Today is a Mystery
                Tomorrow is a GIFT

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                #8
                Should partner of alcoholic drink?

                Hi G, thanks for posting this topic. I think it effects alot of us as we change from drinking with our partners to being AL free and then expecting them to change as well.

                I think the good thing you mention is that your girlfriend has been sober with you for 2 months. Thats a great start and shows her support of you. Did you thank her for doing this? It might have been a tough ask for her to achieve.
                Next you obviously have good communication as she is telling you what she wants to do so you can work it out together. Maybe you should give her some space to come to her own conclusion.
                Also, maybe she could spend sometime reading this website as it opened my eyes to the truth about AL. I never knew so many people were hurting, like me, from using AL. It has been a real education and I wish everyone knew the truth about AL.

                Anyway, congratulations on being AL free for 2 months. Keep up the good work.
                H
                Allen Carr’s book changed everything for me. The easyway to control alcohol. Highly recommended

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                  #9
                  Should partner of alcoholic drink?

                  I say yes......It's our problem not theirs. You can't make everyone stop drinking around you. We must fight this problem with support and inner foratude.......IAD
                  ?Be who you are and say what you feel because
                  those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.?
                  Dr. Seuss

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                    #10
                    Should partner of alcoholic drink?

                    When I dated my now husband I was thankful he drank. I would not have dated anyone who didn't. At first we had great times together drinking! Some good memories.
                    Then they weren't.
                    I don't feel it is my place to tell him now, that I've decided I can't drink, he has to quit. He enjoys it. He won't quit.
                    I focus on my staying AF. I just have to block out his drinking for now.

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