I've come to a point where i am losing everything i have.
I've come to a point where everything isn't as simple as picking up that bottle and
drowning out all my emotions.
I've lost all my drive and i've lost all my will but i'm still desperate not to go down this road again.
It's a dark path that leads to nowhere and i feel like i am helpless and trapped in my self made cage.
I feel desperate to change but unable to concentrate long enough to do anything for a long period.
I feel like i can't stick to anything i say i want to do.
It's like i have a voice in my head telling me that it's pointless and a waste of time, because
i'm never going to make it. It keeps me believing that i'm never going to succeed.
I have come to the point where, either i make the change or i face losing everything that i have.
So what do i do? What can i say? Where do i turn, now that i cannot help myself?
I've been addicted for years, to everything that i've ever tried.
I started drinking and became addicted, i started smoking and became addicted, i started drugs and became addicted.
I now need to get addicted to being clean, but it doesn't seem as easy to become addicted to life
as it was with all the other unhealthy options out there.
Why do i feel the need to drink? Why do i feel abnormal when i'm not drinking?
Why the hell is it so hard to just stop and never drink again?
I've been trying to figure out what is keeping me in this rut. I have come up with a couple things i think
may be causing me to keep relapsing.
First, i don't really like myself, second i feel unworthy and third, i feel i'm lost in the field of responsibilty.
I hate myself, i can't stand hearing my own voice, i can't stand looking in the mirror.
These are all a culminatuion of the mistakes and screw ups that i've made.
I feel like i can't trust myself, and all the times i've messed up, it's put more and more disbelief in myself
which has led me to feel bad about myself and it's a downward spiral.
The unworthy feeling i have also stops me from wanting a better life and wanting better things because
i don't believe i deserve better than what i have, i don't believe i deserve a happy, fulfilled life.
I don't believe i deserve to be everything that i want to be, and it all boils down to how i feel toward myself.
The responsibilty issue is huge for me, as i've never had to take responsibilty for my life or my actions and
it's a huge hole in my recovery. I need to get responsible and take on life and come out on top without the help of others.
I'm not sure where to get the responsibility i need in my life and have even considered
starting National Service of some kind, or joining and helping out at a charity group or something like that.
I'm really not sure what to do, but i need to be drilled hard and broken down from this
stubborn person that i've become, to a more responsible adult.
It's a bad habit, but i believe i can be broken out of it and taught the right ways.
One thing i know i haven't been honest about is the fact that i am an alcoholic.
I've never really believed it, and that is the worst mistake i could've ever made.
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing people that he didn't exist and
that is how it is with alcohol for me.
I keep trying to make myself believe i can drink, that i can handle it, when in truth
i really can't and that is the only thing i have ever proved; That i can't drink.
So now i need to find out why i feel so adiment to drink when i know that i cannot.
What makes me feel like a loser, or abnormal for not being able to drink, and why do i see
drinking and being pissed all the time as alright and normal.
What do i need to do to get my mindset right, to the point where not drinking doesn't bother me.
Where Not drinking feels like the norm and not visa versa.
I am in desperate need of truth and acceptance and i am in desperate need of God and selfworth and responsibility.
I need to change and find myself.
I need to learn about me, and about what i need to, make it through to the sunlight because
i cannot keep living in this dark, damp gutter like a rat, with no consequence and no fear and no morals or ambitions.
I've come to a point where everything isn't as simple as picking up that bottle and
drowning out all my emotions.
I've lost all my drive and i've lost all my will but i'm still desperate not to go down this road again.
It's a dark path that leads to nowhere and i feel like i am helpless and trapped in my self made cage.
I feel desperate to change but unable to concentrate long enough to do anything for a long period.
I feel like i can't stick to anything i say i want to do.
It's like i have a voice in my head telling me that it's pointless and a waste of time, because
i'm never going to make it. It keeps me believing that i'm never going to succeed.
I have come to the point where, either i make the change or i face losing everything that i have.
So what do i do? What can i say? Where do i turn, now that i cannot help myself?
I've been addicted for years, to everything that i've ever tried.
I started drinking and became addicted, i started smoking and became addicted, i started drugs and became addicted.
I now need to get addicted to being clean, but it doesn't seem as easy to become addicted to life
as it was with all the other unhealthy options out there.
Why do i feel the need to drink? Why do i feel abnormal when i'm not drinking?
Why the hell is it so hard to just stop and never drink again?
I've been trying to figure out what is keeping me in this rut. I have come up with a couple things i think
may be causing me to keep relapsing.
First, i don't really like myself, second i feel unworthy and third, i feel i'm lost in the field of responsibilty.
I hate myself, i can't stand hearing my own voice, i can't stand looking in the mirror.
These are all a culminatuion of the mistakes and screw ups that i've made.
I feel like i can't trust myself, and all the times i've messed up, it's put more and more disbelief in myself
which has led me to feel bad about myself and it's a downward spiral.
The unworthy feeling i have also stops me from wanting a better life and wanting better things because
i don't believe i deserve better than what i have, i don't believe i deserve a happy, fulfilled life.
I don't believe i deserve to be everything that i want to be, and it all boils down to how i feel toward myself.
The responsibilty issue is huge for me, as i've never had to take responsibilty for my life or my actions and
it's a huge hole in my recovery. I need to get responsible and take on life and come out on top without the help of others.
I'm not sure where to get the responsibility i need in my life and have even considered
starting National Service of some kind, or joining and helping out at a charity group or something like that.
I'm really not sure what to do, but i need to be drilled hard and broken down from this
stubborn person that i've become, to a more responsible adult.
It's a bad habit, but i believe i can be broken out of it and taught the right ways.
One thing i know i haven't been honest about is the fact that i am an alcoholic.
I've never really believed it, and that is the worst mistake i could've ever made.
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing people that he didn't exist and
that is how it is with alcohol for me.
I keep trying to make myself believe i can drink, that i can handle it, when in truth
i really can't and that is the only thing i have ever proved; That i can't drink.
So now i need to find out why i feel so adiment to drink when i know that i cannot.
What makes me feel like a loser, or abnormal for not being able to drink, and why do i see
drinking and being pissed all the time as alright and normal.
What do i need to do to get my mindset right, to the point where not drinking doesn't bother me.
Where Not drinking feels like the norm and not visa versa.
I am in desperate need of truth and acceptance and i am in desperate need of God and selfworth and responsibility.
I need to change and find myself.
I need to learn about me, and about what i need to, make it through to the sunlight because
i cannot keep living in this dark, damp gutter like a rat, with no consequence and no fear and no morals or ambitions.
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