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Why must I drink to blacking out?

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    #1

    Why must I drink to blacking out?

    Why must I drink to blacking out? Why can't I just be a normal drinker who can drink and get buzzed and remember the night? I don't drink every day, sometimes not even every week. Usually, lately, it has been about once every two weeks. I get a wild hair and have to drink until I can't speak or talk or remember anything. I can't not drink that much. Actually, I don't ever try to stop. I just keep drinking. My husband told me two weeks ago he is really embarrassed by it. I just can't keep it under control during that every two week binge. Maybe I can try to stop at only two or three drinks because I have never tried to give myself a limit. I just don't understand why I keep doing it. Feeling so sick for the day afterward that I can't eat or do anything but lay on the couch and sleep. WHY CAN'T I NOT DO IT? I can't afford the meds touted here. 'Keeping busy' as suggested by many here will not work for me because the drinking is the way I take a break from my overly-hectic lifestyle. When I need a break the only thing I want to relax with is a drink. And usually that is at the two week time and I start and don't stop. I hate this. Why did I ever start drinking and why did people for so many years blow my drinking off as 'okay'. If ever someone had seriously talked to me about stopping I may not be in this position now. I am afraid that one day I will kill myself with my drinking and there is no way to stop it now. Everyone I know is sick of hearing me say I want to stop. I want to talk to my husband about it but I know he will just say 'Yeah, and how many times have I heard that? You say that all the time and never stop.'
    I hate being in this place.
    Dove
    Tags: None
    #2
    Why must I drink to blacking out?

    Welcome to the site, I can relate to you because that is how I drank, it was never enough. I have tried to moderate my drinking and I have tried to quit numerous times and asked myself the same questions you are asking. The only conclusion that I could come up with after years of trying and unsuccessfully controlling my drinking is that I just can't do it. I am not capable of it, it is not my lack of willpower, I just can't drink like the "normal drinker", I had to drink to excess. I had numerous people show concern about my drinking and I had been in numerous treatment centers, but it didn't change anything, I didn't think I was that bad but my alcoholism progressed the longer I drank. The reason I kept doing it was because I am an alcoholic and thats just the way it is for me. I didnt ask for this, it is what it is, and I had to accept that if I were going to recover. I had to learn another way to handle my stress and overly hectic lifestyle without drinking. Its not a matter of how much I drank or how often I drank it was what happened when I did drink. I had blackouts, I was an embarrassment to myself and my family, I was full of guilt, shame, remorse and fear. I had to accept responsibility for what I was doing to myself and be willing to do whatever it took to change my life. I know that since alcoholism is progressive, I will die if I continue to drink, it is inevitible. There is hope and you can recover. There are alot of supportive and knowledgeable people here, I suggest posting alot, reading the Tool Box Thread, go into the chat rooms, read what others have posted. You can download the MWO book for about $12.00.
    You can be who others think you should or who you were called to be. The difference is that who you were called to be is the real you.

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      #3
      Why must I drink to blacking out?

      Thanks. I know drinking like this is bad for me. One of the problems I have is that the people in my life aren't going to stop drinking and aren't going to stop inviting me out for a drink. This includes my husband. He has told me he will not stop drinking and he just wants me to drink normally. Which works fine out somewhere where we have a few drinks and go home but then at home he stops drinking and goes to bed and I have 5 more glasses of wine and blackout. Also the same with going to a friends house after being out. I tend to have friends who drink like this and always want to hang out with them after a few drinks and then drink to blackout at their house and they don't care because they do it every couple weeks too. I am moving across the country soon and so will be away from these friends maybe forever. When I have moved out of this town before I drank responsibly and I think it was because the people I became friends with drank responsibly...I don't know I really wish my husband would be behind me and help me out more instead of just turning his head the other way. You know, be like, 'no, I'm not gonna drop you off at so-n-so's house because you will be a blubbering mess in a couple hours.' It would probably just cause fights between us but at least I would know that he really cares and wants me to get better.
      Dove

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        #4
        Why must I drink to blacking out?

        Dove I just wanted to say welcome, glad that you have found us. I imagine everyone here went through the same realisation that there was a serious problem in our relationship with alcohol and that is why we are here, to make changes. This is a terrific place for support and advice and it really can be life changing for many of us.
        Keep safe
        KTAB
        Ethanol is a toxic chemical, why would I drink it?

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          #5
          Why must I drink to blacking out?

          dove and godschild. your words could have been written about me (and a lot of other people here im sure). like you dove i didnt used to drink that often, but when i did it was waaay over the top, this then progressed to drinking often ... and still way over the top blackout stuff. ive tried for years to drink 'normally'. ocasionally it happened but it was a rare occasion. i cant drink normally. im newly AF, juist over 2 months and i havent looked back. my life is so much better without all the crap that AL brings with it. yes it will kill you, it just isnt worth it. whatever people are doing around you, only you can be responsible for you. maybe they can drink normally or manage to live the binge lifestyle, but only you know how you feel about it. i hope you work this out.
          Today is the tomorrow i worried about yesterday and it turned out fine
          Keep passing the open windows

          Comment

            #6
            Why must I drink to blacking out?

            Those around you don't know what it's like to be an alcoholic (don't mean to offend but that's the only real word that portrays how most of us here drink). Telling you to drink 'normally' is going to have your drink 'demon' jumping up and down in glee. I know whenever I was told I might 'control' my drinking I fed off it.

            Going AF means accepting you cannot drink again, or perhaps more specifically you cannot drink in safety - it's simply too dangerous for you is another way to look at it.

            You decide what's right for you and ignore the rest. You will find a lot of folk find a non-drinker very unsettling. That can sometimes be because it makes them feel bad or wonder if they should be drinking. You can chose not to drink it's not a requirement that you must drink to be 'liked'. Well I've never seen anything that says that anyway!

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              #7
              Why must I drink to blacking out?

              Dove, because you're an alcoholic that's why.
              GC told you in a bit nicer way, but I am being blunt.

              We can't drink normal because we are alcoholics. Basically, the only way to avoid drinking to black out is NOT to drink. One will never be enough, so best to NOT even have one .
              Probably not what you wanted to hear(me either), but I believe it to be the truth.
              If you truly want to stop you are going to need to make some new friends.

              Best of luck in your journey.

              Winefree
              Since 5/2/09

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                #8
                Why must I drink to blacking out?

                Hi Dove and welcome. I too was a very bad blackout drinker, dangerous and out of control. Being AF is the only choice I have in my life and it's taken me over 30 years to get that right with myself.
                If my being AF makes someone else uncomfortable then that is going to have to be their burden, not mine. Honestly though, if someone doesn't want to be around me cause I'm AF, wow I'm probably better off their not actually in my life anymore.
                If you are having blackouts you really need to put yourself first in your life right now and you've come to a great place at MWO to help you.
                Keep posting and reading! :welcome:
                AF since April 19, 2010
                NF since Nov 10, 2000

                "One reason I don't drink is I want to know when I'm having a good time."
                -Lady Nancy Astor

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                  #9
                  Why must I drink to blacking out?

                  Yeah, so the problem is, I really don't see myself as an alcoholic. I see myself stuck in the pattern of college partying and drinking that continues when neither you or your friends that you have had for all those years have any sort of real job and no kids and nothing but working in restaurants and going to school...still!

                  And being AF makes ME uncomfortable! I hate sitting in the bar trying to find something to do with my hands and arms and legs and having nothing to say or laugh about because everyone else is drinking and laughing. And I know that I am all quiet and awkward and boring and there is no reason for me to be there...And so I drink to not be so uncomfortable.

                  In reality they don't really care if I drink or not because they are so involved in getting their own drunk on.

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Why must I drink to blacking out?

                    Hi Dove,
                    Because.. AL is a highly addictive substance! You have one, you like the feeling, you want to keep the feeling so you have another one.. and on it goes! The depressive aspect of AL kicks in when sobering up, and thats why you need to drink to keep the "high" feeling going.. thats why I get addicted too.. you are not alone.. AL does this to the best of us.. if you cannot moderate, then stopping completely may be the only answer, as it is for most of us..
                    Katie xx
                    "It works if you work it, because you are worth it!!!"

                    :groupluv:

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Why must I drink to blacking out?

                      Hello Dove,

                      I see you have been a MWO member for 3 and a half years now. Can you recall what it was that drew you to this forum in the first place? What you were wanting to get out of the forum? Have you achieved that Dove? Has the forum met your needs in that 3.5 years?

                      The reason I ask that is that we all come here for a reason. All of us. And it is often that initial thing and how we came to find a forum like this that we need to keep upper most in our thoughts. Why did we google whatever we googled that got us here in the first place?

                      Sometimes our goals need to be reflected on and maybe revised if we do not seem to be meeting them. I am not saying this is the case for you. But we ALL need to remember what it was that drew us here and whether we are reaching that goal.

                      Take care,
                      FeeBee.
                      Abstinence from November 01 2009
                      Relapse New Years Eve 2009
                      Totally alcohol free since January 01 2010
                      TSM from May 11 2010

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Why must I drink to blacking out?

                        yeah, when i came here i was drinking almost every night and hungover almost every day... or at least 4-5 days/nights a week. i leave and return every few months and overall, have improved my drinking habits i guess...it is just the binge to blackout that keeps with me lately. and by lately i mean the last year or so it has been this drink every two weeks to blackout thing. two weeks ago my husband expressed how embarassing it is for him to have a wife that does this. i have been without internet for two weeks and so now am back because this is a new thing from him and is bothering me. one of his friends was drunk to the point of talking nonsense and i was laughing at her and he leaned over and said to me 'that's how you sound when you're drunk and it's really embarassing when it's your wife.' so now i'm back for a stint....

                        i know i've had a drinking problem for a while and it is a big realization when someone else is finally acknowleging it too, i guess.

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                          #13
                          Why must I drink to blacking out?

                          so, no, i have not reached my goal...goal to not blackout anymore i guess

                          Comment

                            #14
                            Why must I drink to blacking out?

                            It sounds like you have made considerable progress tho in cutting down from 4-5 nights per week to now just once a fortnight. :goodjob:
                            Abstinence from November 01 2009
                            Relapse New Years Eve 2009
                            Totally alcohol free since January 01 2010
                            TSM from May 11 2010

                            Comment

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