My AF Journey Journal

[papmom3]

My AF Journey Journal

Hotter than hell today and will get worse throughout the week. Have the 2 ACs going full blast so it's somewhat comfortable in the house. Electric bill will be astronomical this month. Pups are taking it easy. Turned the sprinkler on for devil dog and filled his pool. Love watching him try to catch the spray!!Not looking forward to work tomorrow. Not looking forward to much of anything right now. Don't even have agility for 2 weeks. My diet has gone down the drain. I don't feel like it's worth tracking anymore since my whole diet will probably change on August 10th anyway so why bother now? Can't track what supposedly is most important anyway.
Slipping back into doom and gloom. thought that was behind me. Picked up a prescription for Actonel (for osteoporosis) and it cost $50 for one pill!! Started crying in the store. Can't afford to pay that on a monthly basis so probably won't renew it. If the kidneys don't get me I suppose the osteo will. Crap. If it isn't one thing it's another. Someone remind me why am I not drinking? thank god the stores all closed at 5 today.
going to crawl into bed now. Sun is still out.

[Hippy Chick]

My AF Journey Journal

Oh Papmom. I wish I could jump thru the screen and give you a hug! You really are doing it tough at the moment.
Dont complicate things by drinking. That would just add to your problems. You are doing so well not drinking for all these months.
It might be a good idea to give up WW at the moment to try and lighten your load. You dont need any more pressure as you have so much going on at present trying to sort yourself out as the doctors have left you without information. Your appointment is getting closer so it will be sorted real soon.
Please take care of yourself and PM me if you need.
Hip

[Hippy Chick]

My AF Journey Journal

Morning Papmom. Got my 12% battery left warning a few minutes ago.... been on here too long lately. so wont stay. Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and hope you are doing ok.
Gotta go 9% left!
Hip

[papmom3]

My AF Journey Journal

Hey HC-thanks for checking in today and thinking of me and thanks for the great big cyber hug this morning. You helped a lot. I'm feeling a tad better today but still can't seem to shake the anger and the denial. I wish I could get retested again right now!! I'm still having a real hard time wrapping my head around a diet that is so contrary to what has been pounded into our heads as healthy. I've decided no more WW, no more killing myself trying to get this diet together. I'll leave it to the expert in August. Let her put it all together and I'll follow it (kicking and screaming but I'll follow it). I'm not even going to stress over the fact that I learned that L-glut and some of the other supps shouldn't be taken by those with kidney disease!! Did this stuff cause my numbers to go south? Not going to stress, not going to stress. I'm going to continue the supps because I am very afraid of what may happen if I go off them. As soon as this heat wave lets up I'll get going on the exercise again.
got my hair cut and permed-short cut for me-first time in years. I think I looke older (not good) but it will be easier to care for this summer. One less thing to worry about (good).
Hope you had a good day with your son. So wierd you're talking about hot water bottles on your legs and I've got the AC cranking LOL!!
Oh yes, I had a stern talk with myself about these AL thoughts I've been having lately. If I want to have any hope of my A1C number going up in Sept there is no way I can have even a sip of AL. It's not going to make all this go away and it will only make whatever is going on inside of me, worse. Not worth the one hour of feeling better or the 3 hours of numbness. Not worth the waking up at 3am, dehydrated, with headache and upset tummy. Not worth the craving for carbs and fast food. NOT WORTH ANY OF IT!!!:mad-door:

[Hippy Chick]

My AF Journey Journal

papmom3;904771 wrote: Not worth the one hour of feeling better or the 3 hours of numbness. Not worth the waking up at 3am, dehydrated, with headache and upset tummy. Not worth the craving for carbs and fast food. NOT WORTH ANY OF IT!!!:mad-door:

You are so right! Just remember that.

xx

[Hippy Chick]

My AF Journey Journal

Hi PM3.
Hope you are doing OK and surviving the heat. We are expecting a huge winter storm tonight so am battening down the hatches....
There are so many posts I get side tracked with lately. Sticking my nose in everywhere. Lots of fantastic info out there. Still havent heard from Meech. Should we be worried yet?
Talk to you tomorrow.
Hippy xxx

[papmom3]

My AF Journey Journal

yeah, now I'm getting a tad worried. I've got to go back into her journal and find out when she actually left. Maybe it's only been just 10 days?
I'm doing OK. got lots of emotions going on and I too am checking out a ton of threads. I've been lurking on the AA thread and I've decided to try to find a meeting tonite to celebrate my 2 months of absolute sobriety. Not sure how that is going to go-much trepidation as it's in my old home town and I wonder if I will know anyone. I would go to the one in my city but I don't like where it's being held and it isn't until 8pm. Too late!!
Hope the storm isn't too strong and that your power stays on. It's a little cooler here today and they are saying the coldfront will come through Sat. afternoon. Temps will still be high next week but drier. That I can handle.
No motivation for work today. Did a ton yesterday-almost caught up. I also didn't log into MWO very often yesterday-think that might be key to getting work done??? :H:H
Have a good evening-talk to you tomorrow tonite-your tomorrow!!
:l

[papmom3]

My AF Journey Journal

OK, I just checked and Meech should be home today sometime. Hopefully just really busy unpacking and getting resettled. Hope she checks in soon!!

[papmom3]

My AF Journey Journal

1st AA meeting

To celebrate my 60 days, I decided to go to an AA meeting to check it out. It was an all woman, closed, stepstudy meeting. 8 women and it was held in my old hometown. Ironically, the wife of the man who was the Athletic Director when I was in HS, and also the mother of one of my sister's good HS friends, was being waked right across the street. My sister, I found out later, was planning on going to the wake but a bad sore throat kept her home. I found out all this after the meeting.
Anyway, it was interesting and I got a chip!!


I'll go back again next Thursday as there is no agility again but after that I don't know. I did find out there is a really good open meeting in my city on Sunday mornings so I might check that out this Sunday. I guess if I'm going to get serious about this I should get myself a copy of the book and at least get familiar with the first step.

[Meech]

My AF Journey Journal

Finally caught up on your thread. Sorry things are not going well. And I am so proud of your dedication to stay AF when the going gets tough. You are such a strong person. I need to get myself back on track and your strength shall help me get there.

Hope you have a much better week! :l

[Hippy Chick]

My AF Journey Journal

Hi Papmom. Good on you for finding an AA meeting if that is what you feel you need. And well done on two whole months of sobriety. You snuck that one in quietly!
I am so pleased for you that the results of your tests may not be as bad you you were lead to believe. I think I might be a bit annoyed at the doctor who put you through all this worry.
Have a good night.
Hipp

[tantangra]

My AF Journey Journal

Hi Popmom3,
I've been reading your thread for a little while now and just wanted to let you know how it has helped me. I have some of the same feelings as you, like finding it tempting to swing by the bottle shop on the way home, and I find it really good that you can avoid it. I know that I can avoid it too. I understand how hard it is to not drink at usual celebration times like 4th July. It's too bad you have to wait till August to see what you can do about getting the pre diabetes under control. I have a quote on the inside of my kitchen cabinets that goes like this: Eat Food; Not Too Much; Mostly Plants. That fits almost any of the fad diets around.
Anyway I wont ramble on too much, just know that your journey has graet meaning to me and I'm sure I'm not alone.

[papmom3]

My AF Journey Journal

HI Tant!! Long time no see!! I'm so happy that I have been able to help you even if just a little bit. I've never been one for jounaling and sometimes I feel like the words I put down are so trivial and that my life is so boring who would really want to read this crap? Well, I just got my answer thanks to you. Its funny how the littlest thing can have the greatest impact. You have inspired me to keep going and just write what I feel at that moment.
Your saying on the inside of the you cabinet is so true. I just wish I could drive by the Mickey D's as easily as I drive by the bottle shop these day!!
Ok, plant based it is as much as possible starting tomorrow when I do my shopping. Thank you!!

HC-yes I am annoyed at my doc but she has some good points too. I just have to do the CBA (cost benefits analysis) of finding a new MD-again. I really hope this nephrologist's secretary is spot on and knows as much as she thinks she does.

So, I've been thinking about this AA thing. Although the meeting was OK, the one thing that made me feel a tad uncomfortable was the "born again" speech of one of the women there. I'm sure her life has turned around for the better since she "gave it up" to God and admitted she is powerless. Upon reflection I do not believe I am powerless over anything. I do believe some things happen for a reason but for the most part we determine our own life's course. No one forced my first drink down my throat. No one told me that I HAD to have a few drinks at the end of the work week (and we all know how that progressed!!). These were all my decisions and it was my decision to try and become AF. So, in the interest of exploring all possibilities, I did some research on line for alternate support groups and I found an organization called Smart Recovery (registered trademark). They used be part of the Rational Recovery organization but split with them some time ago. They do not denounce AA at all, in fact many of their members are also members of AA. They do not require you admit that you are an Alcoholic (that is one thing I could not say at the meeting the other nite-I just stated my name); they do not require you turn over your whole life to a higher power and they do not require you admit that you are powerless over AL. They do use a lot of congnitive behavior therapy and they state that in the group meetings you talk "with" the other members, not "to". I found that interesting. The worksheets for a lot of the excercises are right on the website and instead of twelve steps, there is a 4 point program.
SMART Recovery? | Self Help for Alcoholism & Addiction
There is a meeting every Monday nite from 7 to 8:30 right down the street from me at the Rehab center and I've already been in touch with the facilitator. I'm looking forward to this experience and I will let you all know how it goes. Smart Recovery is also in Canada, Australia and the UK.

[Meech]

My AF Journey Journal

Hi Papmom,

Your words are so true to me! I loved what you said in your last post. We create our path and we chose our own life's path. To say someone or some other power controls everything we do so we are "powerless" is to me a crock of Sh*%t! I believe in God and God, I believe gave us the gift of a brain and the freedom to make our own choices good or bad!
Amen

Wow got that of my chest - So how's the new wheels?

Meechie shall lay her sober head down on the pillow tonight (just like last night)
:l Hugs to you Papster

[Doggygirl]

My AF Journey Journal

P3, I went to Smart Recovery before AA. Also did some of the worksheet type things and I found them really helpful. The CBA (Cost Benefit Analysis) was particularly helpful for me. That is cool that there is a group in your area. There is one in my area too which I went to before AA. Problem here is that it's only 2 people that are "regulars" so I didn't really get what I needed out of that "face to face." I hope the group for you gives you what you need! They also do some on-line meetings using "Paltalk" so there is voice too rather than just typing. I sort of liked that too.

DG