My AF Journey Journal

[mollyka]

My AF Journey Journal

Hiya Paps!
You're sounding like you're doing great, well done!
Sorry to hear you are feeling glum - is your job really that rotten? I love my job and don't know how well I'd cope if stressed by work?! Just my tuppence worth re feeling blue. I drank a week ago as you know and I have to say I have been deeply down in the dumps actually right up to today, I woke feeling truly human this morning - just bear that in mind, it could be a bit of withdrawal?
Anyway, keep doing what you're doing and I'm with you all the way
Molly

[Hippy Chick]

My AF Journey Journal

Hey Papmom.

Just checking in to catch up on how you are feeling. This is your post so ramble all you like.
It's not much fun if you dont enjoy your job. Seeing as we spend a good part of our awake time there, if you dont enjoy it, it makes it hard.
Glad you got to listen to the CD's. I love the clearing one.
It was good to realise that this is a process, a journey, which takes time. I think once you accept that it doesnt just happen overnight, you can relax and enjoy the ride.
Take care. Will pop in again tomorrow.
Hippy

[Hippy Chick]

My AF Journey Journal

Morning. Just sticking my nose in to say hi and thinking of you. Hope you are doing well and managing to get some more time with the CD's. I think I might listen to one tonight just for the relaxation I get out of it.
Anyway gotta get up and at em....
Take care and catchya later today.
HC

[papmom3]

My AF Journey Journal

Day 4 and 5-onto Day 6

Whoo it's been busy!! had to work my two jobs Mon and Tues nite so got home late and then had to deal with the furkids ect. Fell into bed exhausted. Tried to listen to the Clearing CD Tues nite but forgot to take the bone away from one of the pups. Arggghhhh!! He does like playing with his bones on the HARDWOOD FLOOR!! That was that for the CD LOL!! Last nite went to a club dinner. I got voted into a local dog breed club and had a lovely time. Didn't get home until 10:30 tho!! Must have drank about 10 glasses of water-not a fun ride home LOL!! Still not sleeping well-waking up constantly throughout the nite. Going into work an hour early today so must get going. Will write again tonite.

[Hippy Chick]

My AF Journey Journal

Hi Papmom.
Just a quicky as I have had enough of puters today. Glad to see you are keeping busy, but dont forget to take some time for you too.
I wonder what you can do about not sleeping well. Must be a real drain on you. Do you live on your own? Are you nervous about being there on your own? Maybe something like that could be playing on your mind.
Well done on day 6.
Will pop in again tomorrow.
Take care.
xx

[papmom3]

My AF Journey Journal

hey HC,
Yeah, I keep very busy with 5 furkids, a house/yard and 3 jobs plus the extended family. And yup I live alone but no that doesn't bother me. I always have. Never been married, never lived with anyone but my furkids. No, I think I've always had sleep problems but chalked it up to the drinking. So, when I quit, I thought those probs would go away but they must be inherent in me or it's the getting older bit. I've started reading the Suzanne Somers book "Ageless" (did you recommend it?) and it will be interesting to see if there is anything in there that can help with a whole slew of things that are not right with my body.
Anywhoo, thanks so much for checking in. I'll post again tonite after Agility as it's been an interesting day

[papmom3]

My AF Journey Journal

Day 6

Today was a very odd day. I had to get up an hour earlier than usual to be into work one hour earlier and this after not getting home until after 10:30 last nite. Slept fitfully too.
As I was driving in to work, it suddenly hit me that it was my neice's 13th birthday today and even tho her party isn't for 2 weeks, I thought it would be nice to do something for her today. I decided to send her flowers-something very grownup for my favorite and only niece. It put such a huge smile on my face to think about this and I couldn't wait to get to my desk and order them. I found the perfect arrangement and even tho it was insanely expensive to get them delivered today I splurged. After all, a young girl is only 13 once!! She loved them BTW-my sister sent me picture mail from her phone to mine. Very cool.
The rest of the day I had this goofy smile on my face and felt very at peace. Maybe because of the flowers, maybe because it was absolutely gorgeous out, maybe because part of job today included interacting with the students during graduation rehearsal so I wasn't at my desk doing data entry all day. Whatever the cause, it was very nice. I hope this feeling will last for a few days at least. After the way I've been feeling the past couple of months, this was indeed an odd day but one I would welcome into my life anytime.

[papmom3]

My AF Journey Journal

Day 7

Wow, what a complete opposite from yesterday!! Cold and rainy in the morning. Allergies launched a full assault to the point of taking a benedryl at 12 noon. Not good with the work I do. I was absolutely to the max miserable all day. If it wasn't the time of year it is, I would have gone home. I feel so bad for my coworkers who had to listen to me blow my nose and sneeze every 2 seconds. Had to battle the AL craving on the way home as well. The beast tried to convince me that he would make me feel soooo much better. Almost gave in to him but reached down deep to rebuff him. I'm pretty proud of myself if not still miserable. Time to take another benedryl and it the hypo allergenic hay!!

[papmom3]

My AF Journey Journal

Day 8

Thank god the allergy attack is OVER!! Ye gods, I haven't felt that way in many years and NEVER want to again!!
Slept through the nite for once (thanks to a second dose of benedryl I'm sure) and took my time getting up and out. Took the dogs to the Rail Trail for a lovely 2 mile walk and then to our favorite pet shop for kitty litter and some goodies. Bought a very nice chicken salad sandwich next door for lunch and thoroughly enjoyed sitting out on the deck eating and reading with the boys puttering in the yard.
I'm feeling quite good these days (despite yesterday's attack). No more depression and sleeping a little better. I'm going to track my moods via my journal to see if this is hormonal and monthly (even tho i'm supposedly through the change). I also stopped taking the Calm Forte completely. I'm wondering if that had something to do with it. It's supposed to be a natural antianxiety but I wonder if it acted as a depressant in my case. Hmmmm.
I know that adding daily exercise and eating more healthily will help tremedously in this battle. I'm still full of self loathing because of the weight I'm carrying. I don't see myself as attractive at all-just fat and ugly. My clothes don't fit, I don't have any money to buy new ones but don't want to buy ones that fit anyway because it's too depressing. I'm hoping that I will have the will power to make these 2 changes for the long haul. I've started today with the walk and healthy lunch (we won't mention the chips) and snacks. I have dinner all planned. Tomorrow is very busy with Graduation duties but I MUST get to the store and buy the food that will keep me on track for the week. Seven Weeks to Sobriety is in at my library-it supposedly has a great eating plan in it. Will pick it up Monday nite.
Well, must get 7 more evals done before I turn in so over and out for now.

[Meech]

My AF Journey Journal

Hi Papmom,

You sure are busy! I will send odd wishes your way so you have another oddball wonderful day to keep that smile on your face.

What a sweet Auntie you are. The flowers were a perfect idea for a 13year old.

Well just like starting the AF journey, start with walking and eating healthy. Before you know it the pounds will start to melt away too. With exercise, healthy eating and taking booze out of your diet (a zillion calories there) I'm sure the weight will start to come off.

And if you want it off for keeps, then the weight should come off gradually (2 pounds a week max.). Don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing great and you have a huge heart!

Keep up the good work. Keep posting your AF's and your walks. I will be reading your post daily!!
:h:h:l
Meech

[papmom3]

My AF Journey Journal

thanks Meech you are so sweet!! I am very busy and wish I weren't. I hate having to work 3 jobs and still not really make ends meet. My budget is as much as a wreak as my diet. I know I have to make some severe changes in both is order to get more balanced. It's just that I have no TIME!! I wake up naturally at 5 or 5:30 every morning but end up going back to sleep and then I'm late for work!! I just can't seem to stay up once I wake up. Sigh. I'm hoping next week will be different. Don't know why, just hoping
I read your postings every day too. Keep describing your beautiful surroundings. I can live vicariously through you!! I live in a big city-luckily it's the suburban part of the city so it's not so bad but I dream of when I can finally sell this place for more than it's worth and get a place somewhat in the country where I can have more land and start fostering rescues again and actually have the space.
Gotta go feed the pack now

[Hippy Chick]

My AF Journey Journal

Hi Papmom,
As Ihave just explained to Meech - whom I am trying to offer support to also - I havent felt too good the last few days. Been struggling myself, so rather than ask for help (!!) tend to isolate myself from here and family life too.
Sounds like you are having up and down days too. the allergies must be a pain in the butt to have to put up with. I get a bit of hayfever in spring but nothing like what you have to deal with.
I have the same dream as you about getting out of the city and living on abit of land. Meech's lifestyle sounds wonderful doesnt it. I could very easily give up suburbia and be by myslf with heaps of cats, and rabbits, and land to plant...... Oh what a dream.
Anyway struggling to offer anything supportive. So will say bye for now, dont want to share mybad mood. Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you. Take care and I will check back in later.
Hippy

[papmom3]

My AF Journey Journal

Hi HC-please don't isolate yourself although I totally understand the feeling. I've always been one to work out my problems myself but this one is too big and too important to go it alone. I'm feeling good right now but who knows how I'll feel tomorrow? Little things have a way of really putting me in the dumps and I have to work on that. I'm betting that most things that I get in a snit about aren't even personally directed at me but I read into it.
Anyway, whatever support you need, just let us know or let me know. Thank you for checking in despite feeling bad. Hang in there OK? It's got to get better!!

[Hippy Chick]

My AF Journey Journal

Thanks Papmom. I am supposed to be supporting you and here you are helping me! I have been screwed up so long due to AL and because I am not instantly "fixed" now that I have stopped drinking, I am getting frustrated. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that you feel good today but who know's about tomorrow.... It really is like that, isnt it? Some days I feel on top of the world and ready to fight anything. Then other days, I am really struggling and ready to give it all up.
I am glad you are feeling good and still fighting.
I like your photo. It's nice to see who we really are talking to. I want to upload another photo but not sure what I am doing wrong as it is not working.
Anyway that time of the day again..... gotta get ready for another boring day at work.
Take care and I will check in again tonight.
HC

[Lemonhead]

My AF Journey Journal

Jumping back in

Papmom - I've been away from posting for many months (too busy drinking, I suppose). Your journal has reassured me that there are many who know exactly how I feel and reaching out again is an important step for me on day 2.

I'm actually feeling pretty good and even had the gift of a night's sleep with happy dreams instead of the typical themes of screwing up and getting caught. I'd be interested in hearing others' experience with anxiety and dreams.

My sense of self, of competency, of being in control were nearly gone and, in spite of a stressful day, I'm very relieved that I'm back on the right track. So no cravings for now.

I spoke to my husband, but there is no one else (including my doctor) who I would talk to about AL.

Thank you for sharing your journal. I think we share alot of health and career issues, too. I have two furkids - rescue kitties who have been the single, ongoing delight for me.

Lemonhead