My AF Journey Journal

[Hippy Chick]

My AF Journey Journal

Hi Papmom. Oh my goodness what a hard few days you have had. I hope LM is better now, very stressful when kids - fur or otherwise get sick. Glad you were sober to be able to deal with him. I often felt that way with my kids. I wondered what I would do if they needed the hospital. Or my dad who has a heart condition (doesnt stop him drinking - and lots of it too!). My mum isnt a good driver especially at night so if he had gotten sick or had another heart attack and I was pissed it would have been a huge problem.
But you were sober and able to deal with it. Well done.
I bet you are very frustrated with your doctors clinic. I know they are busy however if you are to be told of some serious conditions I think it is just common courtesy to tell you herself rather than some one who doesnt know what is really going on! How rude.
I hope you have heard since your post. And I hope the news isnt as bad as you expected. Whatever the outcome I know you will be able to face it with strength and clarity. Please keep us updated on what happens with the test.
My "abseiling" was fantastic. It is repelling down a building or rock face with ropes and a harness - like spider man! We did it the soft option and were inside a huge shed with rock walls and high ropes and stuff. It was only about 30 metres but it was high enough. To trust in the ropes holding you and to get right out of your comfort zone and step off a platform, was very confronting. I did do it about twenty years ago but was worried that I would have lost that courage I had in my twenties. But as soon as I got strapped on and let go of the fear - it was great! I did it twice backwards and then face forward which really gave my heart a workout as you look down 30 metres to a concrete floor and "walk" down with only a rope holding you........ I really think I have changed so much in the last five months. The inner strength I feel I have now is phenomenal! If I can beat the beast, I can do anything!
Sorry to hijack your thread. I just wanted to share that with you and Meech (and everyone else who checks your thread of course) as we are all struggling everyday and I think we can share strength among us.:hijacked:
So I hope you come back with better news about your health tomorrow. Take care and will catch up with you again tomorrow.
HC

[Meech]

My AF Journey Journal

Hi Papmom,

Have you heard? I know you are feeling like your body is betraying you now that you have made some really healthy lifestyle changes. But it will take some time for your body to reverse the damage it has suffered through years of drinking and unhealthy habits. But your body is an amazing machine and it will continue to heal. Everyday you get a little healthier and a little stronger.

It's good you have gotten the tests done and are taking your new life so seriously. I think if the news isn't what you want to hear, you can start doing the steps to repair and improve any health issues you have.

Please let me know how you are doing when you find out? Keep strong. You are beating the battle with alcohol and that is a definite step in the right direction. Your eating habits and exercise I am sure without a doubt are much much better than when you were on the booze. You are doing the right steps and you have even more motivation than ever to keep on the right course.

As I said on my thread, swim this morning (brrrrr wish it was hot here - I'm sick of this lower the normal temps). Then finishing my bedroom closet and time to start working on the garage!! It's worse then the closets I think. Then work at the restaurant tonight.

I get to sleep in a little tomorrow morning. Well as late as I can with three little ones.

I may not get back on MWO till tomorrow. So take care and I look forward to hearing from you. :huggy

[papmom3]

My AF Journey Journal

Day 28

Wow HC-that sure was a courageous thing to do!! I'm not sure I would have the strength physically or the guts! I'm still blown away that all this was a volunteeer thank you. Truly awesome!! Oh, and you can hijack my thread too whenever you want. It's a communal journal :H !!

Both your stories of drunken and sick episodes are very sobering. I've had a few of those myself although earlier in my career rather than recently. Guess my tolerance really went up. Although, I must admit that one morning earlier this year I woke up and couldn't find the toilet paper holder. It was in the bathroom sink!! No memory of that and I have a vague memory of finding something in the freezer the same morning that shouldn't have been there but I can't remember what it was.

hey Meech-I'll take your cooler temps and you can have our hot ones complete with T-Storms which I absolutely hate and it takes all I have to not show my fear so the dogs won't get scared. I also wilt in this heat. I'm inside now and it's quite cool with the shades drawn, windows open and fans going but outside is brutal and I still have my garden to prep and plant. I've also been invited to my sisters for a dip in the pool. Wonder which I'll choose ?

I called my doc today because I hadn't heard from her and I peppered the poor assistant with more questions and finally my MD came on the phone herself. I can be really evil sometimes!! The renal function I am convinced was due to mild dehydration since it was only a few points lower than normal and I had been fasting. We're going to repeat in 2 weeks and I've cancelled the renal US. The A1c test is something else. Apparently the American Diabetes Assoc. has revamped their numbers and they are calling anything above 5.6 Diabetes. Not pre-diabetes but the real thing according to my doc. Now, my fasting blood glucose was 91, well below the high normal mark and all I've read and she agreed, was that you need to do 3 months of A1c testing to get an average hemoglobin count so I'm not as concerned or scared as I was yesterday. She asked me when my followup appointment was and I told her I didn't have one. Apparently her assistant was supposed to make one for me yesterday but she didn't say anything about that when I asked her what the plan of action was for this new situation. I told my doc that although I'm not disputing the test results and I know I have to lose weight, get more exercise and eat better, I did take issue with these results being told to me by her office staff member rather than her as I took this to be a serious situation. That's when she said that she had 10-15 patients in the same situation and she doesn't have time to call each one-that's why she schedules followups-to discuss everything. I told her that would have been fine if that's how it had been handled but it wasn't. I was told my kidney function was low and an US had been scheduled for me and BTW, you are borderline diabetic. At that point, she seemed surprised and next thing I know the asistant is back on the phone and we're scheduling an appointment to recheck the kidney function. I'm very proud of myself for being so assertive. Why does it take getting to be in your 50's to finally stand up for yourself?????

So, I'm feeling better, know what I have to do and will get to it immediately. Speaking of exercise, I think I'll head over to my sis's and do a few laps. It's too hot for the pups anyway.

BTW, the 2 big boys got their makeovers today and look gorgeous. LM I do myself and will tonite. My devil dog actually let the groomer do his whole session from beginning to end with nary a snarl or growl. Huge improvement!! Usually I have to bathe and dry him then muzzle him for the brush out and feet and nail trim that she does. No muzzle today, just mama at his head giving him a massage and lots of praise. I can't beleive this is the same dog I adopted 2 years ago!!

Glad everyone is feeling strong and resolute. We really are improving our lives for the better, ODAT.

[Meech]

My AF Journey Journal

I am so happy you are relieved and got answers



Hi Papmom,

you know sometimes you have to be demanding and stick to your guns before people will take notice and communicate. It's too bad. But you weren't taking the "dusting off treatment " today. Good Job Papmister :happy:

Well now you just need to continue with your focus. AF life, exercise and good healthy eating. Perhaps taking one job off your plate will help you focus more on you new healthy lifestyle. And if you dedicate some time to budgeting you may find areas where you could spend a little less and have so much more (time for yourself and your furkids).

I have two jobs HOWEVER, one is very part-time. And the other involves me hiking, biking, running trails etc..... So kind of recreation/work if you will. And the other BIG one I guess that doesn't pay well but the benefits can be very rewarding - Mother to my three kids.

I could definitely use more money but I'm pretty tight with the little I have. Having more time for my kids, training and just freedom in my weeks is worth a huge amount.

Ask your self..."self, when I look back in 15-20 years am I going to say, boy am I ever glad I overworked myself at 3 jobs rathar then taking a little more time for myself in the ONE LIFE THAT I HAVE GOT." Some may justify that you gotta pay the bills. But you said you weren't exactly swimming in the dough with the 3rd job. So why not figure out a way to spend less (which by the way the alcohol must have required a 3rd job!!) then you are no worse off financially but WAY BETTER OFF FOR YOU. Because you deserve it.

Just my two, three, 20 cents. Sorry about the rambling. As you can tell I'm a big recreation promoter and not so much work to the grindstone. For what? Life's too short. The world has become such a workoholic place. Before you know it, it's over.

Wow, okay really got heated up there. Sorry Crime committed thread officially hi-jacked. :hijacked:

Take care enjoy the swim!!!

[Meech]

My AF Journey Journal

Hmmmm and I said I wasn't coming back to your thread until tomorrow......oops!

[Hippy Chick]

My AF Journey Journal

Morning.
So pleased the results werent as bad as relayed to you. Good on you for letting the doctor have it with both barrels...... If she is so damn busy, why doesnt she stop booking in so many people and give quality rather than quantity? I get so annoyed with doctors trying to justify their greed! Sorry better get off my soap box too!
If you are diagnosed with diabetes, it is something that is easily controlled. Although it takes a huge readjustment of your life, it is better than something like liver failure or a cancer where you cant control it. But with diet and exercise and daily monitoring, diabetes can become part of your life without too much hassle. I am not a doctor or know much about it, I am just trying to put it in perspective. It will be a real pain in the ar5e but doable. Just think of the changes you have made in the last few months, it will be another change to make and live with.
If you want anymore sobering drunk and sick stories, let me know, I have PLENTY.... A strange thing used to happen to me when I was in one of the many blackout episode I had. I would become aware, sober for a split second, so I would remember the next day what I had done. Usually something reallllllly embarrassing or shameful. I think it was my bodys way of saying to me, "this is what you are like when you are drunk, remember it so it wont happen again". It was almost like I was having an out of body experience. Looking at this pathetic drunken woman, in her lovely dress and high heels, falling all over the place or throwing up on herself.... (my stomach had very little tolerance for too much AL and usually tried to get rid of it). I should start a thread and add to it all those I remember!
Anyway time to get to the gym before I start playing Mumtaxi for football and soccer and everything else that is involved in a Saturday.
Take care (and Meech, I will get to your thread later today x).
Hippy

[Rusty]

My AF Journey Journal

Hi Everybody,

Just checking in to say Happy Weekend. Day 6 AF for me. I didn't think it could happen again: Thinking good thoughts to everybody online with MWO: BUDDY BLACK, FunctioningButIll, Henrietta, Hippy Chick, lolmom, Matho61, papmom3, planetjanet, Ringing Cedars.

Stepping on the plane to fly home.

[papmom3]

My AF Journey Journal

Hi Rusty-thanks for stopping in to visit my journal. Hope you had a safe trip home!!

HC-thanks for the pep talk, I needed some perspective. My family has absolutely NO history of Diabetes so if this is a reality it is because of my weight, sugar consumption and HBP so yes, with the right changes it will be easily controlled and may even disappear completely. Interesting sneak peak at your black out episodes. I bet if you took the quiz in "Seven Weeks to Sobriety" you would find out you are actually allergic to AL. I don't know what your ethnic background is but in the book she says certain ethnic groups have no tolerance at all to AL and therefore those groups have a very low rate of alcoholism. The quiz said I was mainly an allergic alcoholic but for different reasons than my stomach being intolerant. Very interesting reading.

Hey Meech-thanks for validating my thoughts about the 3 jobs. I think I will work my 2 days in June and then that's it. I'll give notice next week. You're right-if I was actually able to save money with the 3 jobs and put it towards, oh I don't know, a trip to BC or Australia maybe? I think it would be easier to keep going but I feel like I'm missing out on a lot, stressing way to much over time lost and not getting a big enough payout for spending 8 hours twice a month in a windowless office doing nothing but answering the phone (if it rings-it's a Real Estate Office :H ) and surfing the net or reading. When I was working 4 saturdays a month I still couldn't get the budget to balance and I was emotionally and physically stretched to the limit so I dropped down to 2 sat. a month. No more :bang Thanks for the hijack-I needed it LOL!!!

Had a very nice visit with my sister. Soaked up the late sun, got about 10 laps in, gave my niece a short swimming lesson and had a nice open talk about my sobriety journey with my sis. She asked if I missed AL-I told her I did in the beginning but not so much anymore. The more we talked the more I got the feeling she might be a little worried about her own drinking habits but isn't ready to confront them yet. I'm here for her when she's ready.
God I love to swim and wish I had a pool in my yard but then where would the dogs go? :H

[spuddleduck]

My AF Journey Journal

hey papmom, im diabetic (type 1), its not the end of the world, in fact it can help you make healthier lifestyle choices. i was really healthy (not drinking much) when i was diagnosed, and was mighty pissed off.... whats the point being healthy, poor me...etc etc etc. if you do get diagnosed it will be type 2 which just means a few pills and watch you eating... you're doing that anyway. good luck, it will all work out just fine im sure

[Meech]

My AF Journey Journal

Good Post Spuddleduck!

Papmom - I'm curious about the concept of alcohol allergy. I am part english (or British),
Scandinavian, Norwegian (and I think a tiny sprinkling of Irish).

I often get black outs if I have more than 7 beers. And I can get blackouts on 4 hard liquor drinks. Like whiskey or rum 3 - 4 drinks maybe less and I won't remember anything. Seriously. I remember having whiskey (and that was when my tolerance was pretty good for AL) 3 glasses. Well I don't even remember finishing the last glass and I hadn't drank anything before that. That really scared me. I thought how the heck can I get plastered on 3 shots of whiskey when I can drink 6-7 beers (and the beer in Canada is at least 5% not lite beer for me). So I generally would just stick to beer. I would still get drunk but more gradually. Nice. I should mean "did, use to" that's was my past life!

I often blamed it on the fact that I'm not a big person (which does has some merit) but now I'm starting to wonder if there's something more. Does it say those with allergy have a higher chance of addiction?

Hmmmmm. Sorry to ask so many questions. Maybe I should get the book.


Hope you can fit another great swim in on the weekend! I had one this morning in the lake but I seriously doubt it was quite as warm and enjoyable as yours. Felt like I was numb coming out. Brrrrrrrrr.

Talk to you soon! :l

[papmom3]

My AF Journey Journal

Hey Spuddle-thanks so much for the support. That's exactly how I felt but I'm better today. I have gone way overboard on the sugar tho-sort of like binging on AL because you know you'll be quitting the next day. Once an addict always an addict I guess . I've decided to go back to Weight Watchers. It never worked before for me because I wasn't willing to give up the AL and you know how many points one glass of wine is? try 5 or 6 everynite and you might as well burn your money!!

Meech-you and I could be twins girl!! Our ethnic backgrounds are exactly the same and i'm short too!! However, I rarely blacked out in my younger days although it did happen once or twice. It's been the recent years that I would pass out (what? I missed the end of Biggest Loser again? Who got voted off?) but it was pass out sleep not black out but still be awake and doing things (as far as I know ) I would definitely recommend reading the book. If only for the fact that it will give you some insight as to why AL hits you the way it does and why you probably can never have a drink again. Once I read and understood this, the sadness and feelings of deprivation pretty much went away. I get that my brain will never be able to synthesize AL in such a way that one or two drinks will be enough and I won't get that crash and burn feeling that makes me keep going. Knowlege is power right?

[Meech]

My AF Journey Journal

Thanks twiny! I shall look into that book. Sounds interesting. If I was allergic to any kind of food I sure as heck would NOT be eating it. But then again I don't get a buzz off of food. That's the kicker. The effect it has on the brain. Feels so good at the time. That's why I NEVER did drugs. I knew how addictive my brain liked alcohol from the first time I ever drank. That if I jumped into the world of drugs I'd probably be dead by now. One addiction was hard enough.

Knowledge IS POWER.
Talk to you tomorrow, Meech

[Hippy Chick]

My AF Journey Journal

Hi guys. Great posts. (Hi spuddle)
That book does sound interesting. My ancestry is English.
I would black out quite easily in the end. If not a total black out, I would forget what I would say or do. I often hid things from the kids and not know what I did with them. It would only take me about three glasses of wine to forget what I said. Often I would have an argument and not know what I said or why my husband/kids werent talking to me. My daughter would often say to me things like "I told you that last night remember?" and I didnt. Or my son would say I took his computer game off him and I would have a clue where i put it.
I never thought about being allergic to AL. I just assumed it my dad and grandmothers fault. Never mine of course. My dad is a big drinker, starts about lunch time. and my grandmother (on my mothers side) was a serious alcoholic. She actually died a sad, lonely alcoholics death - was dead for three days before anyone missed her! I always worried that I would die like she did. (dont have to worry about that now). Will definitly have a look on the net to see if I can get that book.
Thanks for your PM Papmom. As I said I havent had much spare time lately. I did post about the party in the nest....... basically I couldnt do it. Had too many panic attacks and anxiety so gave it a miss. But I didnt consider drinking so that is a bonus I suppose.
Well, take care everyone. Stay strong.
HC

[Hippy Chick]

My AF Journey Journal

I did reply to your post in the nest but I was messing around with the screen and lost it.... ARRGGGHHHH....
I think I am in just one of those moods that come along at a certain time of the month as I am sitting here getting very cranky at my husband who has been away for three days. And he is not even home yet! He has had a weekend with the boys, staying completely drunk and playing golf. That part I dont mind. Up to him if he wants to get drunk. The bit I do protest about is the drunken text messages that make no sense that I keep receiving. I mean.... havent you had enough already without imposing this drunken stupidity on me. He goes away so I dont have to see how stupid they all are when drunk, why should I have to put up with it in text messages. I never complain about his drinking (well to him anyway), but doesnt he have any idea what I am going thru? How bloody hard it is for me? That is why I love this site and all these people. Because you do understand. You dont tell me that I am not really an alcoholic and that i dont have a problem with alcohol.
Sorry.... deep breaths...... deep breaths.......

[papmom3]

My AF Journey Journal

Day 30-just beginning but no worries!!

Had a great day 29!! Went to a papillon playdate-first one this year. It was big-about 50 dogs and their owners and we were very lucky that Mom Nature held off on her storms until we were almost done. It was great to catch up with people I only see once or twice a year but "see" on line everyday. The food was great-we have so many innovative cooks in this group-and the activities were so much fun. LM made his mark as usual but in addition to being loud, he preformed a new trick even I didn't know he could do: he opened up a small cooler and stole 2 boneless cooked chicken breasts out of it!! I was mortified as I realized that the poor woman who had been doggled was talking about MY guy!!! It turns out the woman's dog is on a very restricted diet and chix breasts are his one and only treat!! Well, needless to say LM earned a very long time out and was put on lead for the rest of the afternoon. Other than that, all 3 boys won first place in a fun match: Mickey for largest pap, Koby my devil dog for most color and LM for best rescue. Obviously the judge had heard about his thievery :H:H . They are now sporting blue ribbons on their crates and got cute squeaky toys as prizes. By the time we got home and settles it was close to 8. I managed to stay on the MWO site for another 2 hours tho LOL and then off to dream land. Unfortunately they all had too many treats at the party so it was up and down in and out. Sigh.
Have a somewhat lazy day planned today, my last day of vacation :upset:
We have a stormy day ahead so there will be no walks, no outside chores. I'll try to give the whole house another good cleaning, do some laundry, shop for the next week and if time, work on my budget so I can be sure I can quit my Saturday job altogether.

One note about Seven Weeks to Sobriety: In the book she identifies a couple of different types of Alcoholics based on brain chemistry. The quiz will help you idenitfy your closest type and most of us are a combination with one more prevalent. She does recommend a number of blood tests and hair anaylysis to confirm but says it isn't necessary. I mainly got the book for the eating plan she recommends. It's basically tailored for people with hypoglycemia which she says the majority of alcoholics have. My blood tests said the opposite. I actually went shopping the first day of my vacation to get everything on her meal plan. I found the brown rice bread (at $6 a very small loaf-yikes!), couldn't reconcile with plain carrot juice so I opted for orange/carrot instead, bought the sunflower butter and then went on to the fruits and veggies. The whole premise is low sugar and being aware of hidden sugar. The brown rice bread is very very dense and hard to eat and it only has 2 grams of fiber which to me is unacceptable. The sunflower seed butter is good but doesn't have as much protein as peanut butter and still had a lot of sugar in it as well as being very expensive. Love the carrot/OJ juice. Also switched to plain soy milk which I like very much. The snacks she recommends twice a day are wierd unless you want to eat almonds 3 times a day which isn't very healthy. My new favorite smoothie to put my All One in is the carrot/OJ and soy milk. Tastes like a creamscicle!! I don't think this eating plan is for me. It's very expensive and I think it might be slightly out of date since the book was written in the early 90s. I'm going to give WW a try and see how that goes.

Will check in later tonite to officially end my 30th day of sobriety!!