My AF Journey Journal

[Hippy Chick]

My AF Journey Journal

Hi Tantangra. Good to see you again. Come back to the nest.... there are still a few of us there that you would know.

Hi Papmom. I have to admit that although I did go to AA for a few years (it was mainly just to get out of the house and have a bit of time to myself - new mum, nappies, marriage going down the toilet....) I had a real issue with god bit and the powerless bit too. I really couldnt grasp the concept of a higher power. I know it says a "god of my understanding", however I dont have a "god of my understanding". And I have to agree that I am the one who picked the glass up and drank it, I wasnt powerless over that. I might have a look at that site you suggested though. I am open to anything these days.

Your words are not trivial and your life seems far from boring to me. I come here because I enjoy reading your journal and like to catch up on what's been going on in your life. Not because I feel I have to or to be polite. So dont ever think that journalling here is a waste of time.

I am in a real black and white mood today. I think it started when I read KatieB's post asking us to write about ourselves. I tried hard to think of good things as well as the bad things although the bad things unfortunately outweighed the good. But it has made me realise that if I am not happy with my life, then it is up to me to do something about it. What I want is not going to magically appear now that I have removed AL from my life. I always used to say... life is not a rehearsal. But I seem to have forgotten that! Time for me to stop being a victim and get out there and get sorted.

I'll catch you tomorrow.
HC

[papmom3]

My AF Journey Journal

Hey HC-Itotally get where you are coming from. I'm still waiting for the "magic" to happen!! I realize it has to come from me but I'm a little resentful that so many others seem to have found that magic so much more easily and that their lives HAVE been transformed since going AF. Of course, all i know is what they post. I just feel like my life is totally the same minus the hangovers. No special someone in it, but not sure I want someone in it either. No great job. Still struggling financially. Didn't lose the weight I thought I would -Still have addictive food behaviors. I won't even go into the bad things that have happened since I went AF although I can't in good conscience link the two together. Purely coincindence and who knows how I would have ended up handling them anyway if I wasn't AF. Anyway, I know it's all up to me.

DG-glad to hear that you have intimate knowledge of SR. I'm very curious about this meeting. It's the only one in the whole city and how lucky that it's literally 4 miles from my house??? I'm familiar with Paltalk-we used it for our weekly Rescue Committee meetings (that I always drank through). It was pretty cool but boy could you get sidetracked with the IM part :H not to mention the PM feature!!

OK, gotta go take LM for a walk on the Rail Trail. I feel bad leaving the other 2 at home who need the exercise WAY more than LM does but I have GOT to start deconditioning him with the way he meets/sees other dogs on leash and the only way I can do that is one on one. Hopefully it won't get too hot today and I can at least take the other two up to the school tonite.
So much to do today and all week-gotta get my PLAN in place .

[Hippy Chick]

My AF Journey Journal

Hi PM3.

Just wanted to say Hi. Not got too much to say tonight. Think I might grab my book and curl up on the sofa.

So have a good day/night and catchya tomorrow.

HC

[Meech]

My AF Journey Journal

Hi Papmom,

Looking forward to hearing about the meeting. I have similar feelings at times. Like I should be on top of the world when I am AF. But I still have many days where I just don't want to do anything. No motivation. I use to blame the no motivation on the fact that I was hungover. So why am I still feeling so blah many days on AF.
On a lighter side I do have more confidence than I have had in years. Just was expecting something magical too. I guess the old saying goes life is what you make it. Don't wait for the magic to come knocking. Have a good day and I'll check in later.

[Meech]

My AF Journey Journal

Hippy - Are there any hobbies or activities you enjoy doing? You are doing a great job at keeping an AF life maybe something you can do that is just for you. Bring some fun back into your life because you deserve it.

It gets hard between work, kids, chores we pretty much fill the days. I am thinking about you and hoping you are having a happier week. Thanks for the post on my thread. Keep me posted!
Meech

[papmom3]

My AF Journey Journal

Pond Pics

Today is another very low motivation day although I did take LM on a rail trail walk this morning but that's pretty much been it. It's so hot here!!

As promised, here are the pond pics. I love sitting in my chaise next to it with a cold lemonade around 6pm when there is plently of shade. The bubbling of the fountain is so peaceful (hard to see in the pic).

BEFORE:


COMPLETED!!

[mollyka]

My AF Journey Journal

PM3, that is a lovely pond - well done! How did you get the water lilies going so quickly? Mine are only decent size now after 2 years. I can imagine you in your hammock on a lovely warm evening!
Molly

[papmom3]

My AF Journey Journal

Hey MollyK-see that green hook in the middle of them? I bought them that way in a pot and just sunk it LOL!! they are dwarf lilies so are perfect for this size pond. They are supposed to have pink flowers but I don't know if I'll see them this year. the challenge will be to overwinter them-i'm hoping the pond is deep enough for them and the fishies. I'll find out next April/May won't I! Funny, I haven't used the hammock too much-it's hard to read laying down and I just can't lay still for more than a minute-I HAVE to be doing something even if it's just reading!!

[papmom3]

My AF Journey Journal

Well the SMART Recovery meeting was a bust. It was only me and the facilitator and all he did for 45 min was tell me "war" stories about AA meetings, his recovery and SR meetings. Didn't ask me one question about myself or why I was there. I politely smiled and nodded my head for 45 min and finally picked up my purse, stood up and said I'd check back in Sept to see if the meetings were more populated. Geesh.

I think I've traded one addiction for another. I was so annoyed at him that instead of going home and taking a couple of dogs out for a short walk, which is what I should have done, I went to the market and bought a pint of Ben and Jerry's. Got home, fed and pottied the dogs (was actually annoyed when they lingered outside too long-I wanted my ice cream!!) and came in and proceeded to eat the whole damn thing!! And don't think I won't have a hangover tomorrow-I sure will but it will only affect my lactose intolerant tummy. The only good thing is that eating ice cream doesn't affect my typing skills!!

God!! When will this insanity end? If it isn't AL, its food!!

Watched a good Oprah show today. She had the author of "Women, Food and God" on. I might have to get this book and see if her 14 week program would be something I can commit to.

OK, signing off for the nite. Need to quiet my mind with some reading.

[Hippy Chick]

My AF Journey Journal

papmom3;909829 wrote:
I think I've traded one addiction for another.
God!! When will this insanity end? If it isn't AL, its food!!

I Hear ya!!! Know exactly what you mean.......

Sorry to hear that your meeting was such a dud. Looks like you will just have to put up with us a bit longer!

Your pond looks gorgeous. Well done to you (and your nephew) on such a great job. I too, like the hammock next to it. I could get a lot of serious reading done in that. That pale blue/green plant behind (a conifer?) looks lovely - I bet that is beautiful with snow covering it. (Maybe another photo in winter?). I like the strappy grassy stuff too. Most of my garden is made up of different types of grasses - water-wise they call it, cause we dont have a lot of water to waste on gardens.

I lost the plot a bit this afternoon and chucked a huge tantrum (well someone did leave the freezer that I had stocked up on the weekend open and everything defrosted - $$$$ down the toilet).... so no-one is talking to me at the moment. I think they are all scared of me! I sort of scared myself too. Didnt know I had such anger in me. Another thing to discuss with the doctor tomorrow.

Thanks for the photos and I will see you again tomorrow.

Hip

(PS what flavour ice cream did you get?)

[papmom3]

My AF Journey Journal

Hey HC-I was never going to leave MWO-SR was just going to supplement by being face to face. I could never leave you guys!!

Yes, that blue tree is a dwarf blue spruce and it's about 15 feet tall right now so i'm not sure what the plant people consider dwarf LOL!! the one next to it is an umbrella pine which I absolutely adore. The needles are like satin!! I love my trees although they don't give much shade. I'm thinking of planting a small japanese maple to the right of the U.pine if I can find one deeply discounted this fall. I think that and a japanese sculpture would complete the look.

Ya know, maybe you needed to get that anger out!! I think we all have a ton of anger in us and might have been one of the reasons we drank-to subdue it. I know I was never an "angry" drunk but I do know I have anger seething deep down inside and I don't know why. I take it out while driving (not road rage just calling people names under my breath and the occasional bird salute!!) because there is no other outlet. Can't get angry at work, can't get angry at the pups or kitties. Do you feel better in a way? I know you feel a little chagrin but I bet they never leave a freezer or fridge door open again!!

It's evening for you right now so I'll look forward to your post tomorrow morning unless I stay up extra late tonite (which is a possiblity because I certainly don't want to repeat the nightmares I had last nite!! Damn ice cream!!). It was choc chip cookie dough. Should have stuck with the Phish food!!

[Meech]

My AF Journey Journal

Papmom, The pond is gorgeous. I can totally picture you relaxing with your lemonade!
I also can picture your torture in that meeting. Longest hour of your life I am sure. Brutal. Well you gave it a shot.

Hippy - So sorry about the freezer. If it takes the pain away a bit by me sharing my misery. Last week when I got home I discovered that our freezer got unplugged and $700.00 worth of beef (which we just received 3 weeks ago) dethawed and went rotten. What a smell. And we have a $500.00 deductable on house insurance so it's not really worth the claim. All the meat gone bad. I didn't know if I should scream or cry. Perhaps that led to my slip up too? It was truly disgusting and a huge waste of money and animal.

It's amazing how our lives are similar - right down to rotten food.

Take a note book tomorrow. It really helped me discuss everything I needed to with the Doc. Good luck. And maybe get back to some knitting!

Meechie :l:l

[mollyka]

My AF Journey Journal

Meech, have a similar freezer story. Back in the day when we were TRULY young and broke, we went away for a fortnight and as an afterthought hubs turned off electric mains as we left the house oooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh, the smell 2 weeks later, I can still get it!! And Hips talk about anger -- I sat at the end of the garden (3AM Ireland October...............very cold) until he had cleared all the food out of the house, didn't speak to him for 2 more weeks!!!!
Paps, I have a very small pond and the lily overwinters no prob, just keeps gettin bigger!
Molly

[Doggygirl]

My AF Journey Journal

P3, Sorry to hear that the SMART meeting was a bust. That's what the 2 guys here like to do best - bash AA. In a way I suppose they contributed to getting me curious about AA though, and I like it so I should probably send them a thank you note. :H

I hear you on the food / sweet thing. I have to fight that now too. Weight Watchers is all that is saving me there it seems!

DG

[papmom3]

My AF Journey Journal

Hee Hee DG- I think you should!! I'm thinking the exercises on the SR website will probably be very helpful although quite similar to what we do here at MWO with our different threads but i'll give it a try.

I know how well WW works but for some reason this time around I can't stick to it. I can't stick to anything except not drinking and that is tenous at the moment. I can't get this "hole" out of my mind. I keep trying to fill it and it ain't working. Maybe it's time for some formal counseling. My mind is still open to AA. I think I will go to the meeting on Thursday nite even tho it will be hotter than hell in there but the women were so nice and I'm actually looking forward to the new lesson. Maybe I'll win a copy of the big book with the raffle this week!!

This is the week for spending all my money I guess-out with the old, in with the slightly used. New used car and I just got back from buying a new used refridgerator, all reconditioned and cleaned. Only a few years old. GE profile bottom mount freezer (ha ha LM-no more stealing food from the fridge :H). My fridge has got to be 20 years old and is an energy hog. This "new" one doesn't have the energy star label but it will work better than the one I have and OH!! the room!! I seriously think that I won't lose anything to the abyss anymore (it helps that the light works!!). Free pick up, free delivery and they are even switching the door opening for me. Under $500 too. What a deal (I hope). Oh and although I could pay for the whole thing right now, I opted to do the 12 month 0% interest bit to give me a little flexibility. It will be about $39/month.

That's it for a long long while. No more big expenditures-gotta pinch those pennies.

Going out to western mass tomorrow afternoon to visit the bro and SIL and neph but mainly so they can check out the new ride. They need to find a new car themselves and they are interested in the Outback. Hopefully it's a bit cooler out there. We've had rain this afternoon and all it did was create steam.

MollyK-good to know the lilies survived-I'll be so happy next spring if mine are still alive, the fish too. Do you have pics of your pond?

Thanks Meech-yes it is a bit of an oasis in the city and I quite like it but I do long for more land and lots of trees around the yard. Someday.

HC-Good luck today!! ((( )))

:l