This is my response to an email I got from my good friend telling me Happy Mother's Day and asking how I'm doing. I was scared to even open the email because she was the last one out with me on May 4, 2010 when I drank while on Prince Valium and got pretty sloppy. It's scary to open an email from someone you know you've F'd up around like a thousand times. What if they tell you the truth??? She is recently (or maybe known for a while now) aware of my problem and was good enough to call my husband a few days ago to talk about how they can help me. The last like eight times I've been with her I've gotten sloppy drunk and been foolish. had ladies making fun of me at Chili's while I thought they were making friends with me; fallen straight back on my elbows from a bar stool at Outback Steak House; fallen on my knees at Fox and Hound; gotten snippy with my wonderful husband; wouldn't let her leave one night to go to her boyfriend's house until she stayed and "partied" more with me; fallen down my stairs...there's probably more but how am I supposed to remember...I was completely smashed!!! She caught on that I'm not a "normal" drinker. She's a drinker too but just more responsible about it than I am. Probably doesn't drink while on Valium and Percoset either.
F,
I was just so scared to open this email!!! I feared what it would say. I feared it would tell me how awful I've been. What a shit I've been to my great husband. What a sloppy drunk I've been nearly every time you get around me. All things I deserve to hear...all things that bring me nearly to my knees with grief. Well, if my knees didn't still hurt from falling on them at Fox and Hound on May 4th. May 4, 2010...please let it be my last night of being a sloppy drunk.
So how am I doing you ask? A lot of guilt, pain, embarrassment, shame, tears, fear...and hope. Still waiting to get in with a counselor but I've taken my own steps. I pulled back out my dusty books on alcoholism from a couple years ago that I put away once I thought I had this binge thing beat. Never finished any of the books. Read some then i guess I thought just OWNING the books would do the trick. I'm no fool. I know reading these books won't stop the "Demon Brain Train" from coming around the bend again in a week, two weeks, two months...I never really know when HE's going to show up. I joined an online group though from one of the books that I had at least read half way through last time. It's called mywayout.org from a book by Roberta Jewell called My Way Out. The website and forums I joined are amazing. I can finally message with people who have done the exact same things I've done and who feel or have felt the exact same way as me. It's refreshing not being alone inside my head.
So as you know by now, I'm not an everyday drinker. I don't stash bottles of vodka around the house and guzzle them in private. Not that I'm a better drunk than those who do guzzle from the bottle...I just utilize a different method for being a drunk. I am a binge drinker and have been since fourteen. Us Kentucky girls start everything early! The first time i got drunk I was swigging whiskey like a seasoned old man and should've been in the hospital that night. A couple years ago I stopped drinking for five and a half months and then I slowly incorporated alcohol back in. For a while I could have none or i could have two and stop. But soon enough the "train" came back around more often and HE wanted more fuel. I was back to bingeing every so often. Puking, fighting with R****, falling down. Lately I have thought it would be even more fun to drink on the prescription narcotics that I was prescribed for legitimately hurting my back. That was a mess and dangerous. I gave R**** the rest of my Valium and had him dispose of them. I used to have these other non-narcotic pain pills that i ate like candy. They had a reaction with my antidepressant so they still made me stoned all day. It was nice. I think I told you about one of the days I ate too many and broke out in a rash. I laughingly said I think I overdosed! I don't know exactly why I was doing all this self-destruction. A lot of the peeps on my forum talk about drinking more when their finances changed drastically and caused stress between them and their spouses. My finances were on my mind a lot. We weren't in bad financial standing by any means but you know what kind of drastic cut I chose to take. I'm still happy about my decision...but let's face it, you need money to LIVE! We are living fine but R**** is always huffing and puffing about money and lack thereof and it stresses me when he's stressed. Plus, I felt guilt for giving up the big job even though it made me sick to go there. I had been thinking I should've just held on and continued to take all the crap that was dished out daily and I should've let it run off my back like a duck. I wish I was that kind of a person. Not R****'s fault I turned to wanting to stay stoned and drunk to deal with stress. I can't blame it all on finances either but R**** has noticed over the last seven years that when I have some issue that persists I start binge drinking more to have "fun" and to escape what's really going on. I'm a happy sloppy drunk for one glorious night...then the next day comes the shame, guilt, embarrassment, miscellaneous bruises and cuts, fights with the hubby, apologies, self-loathing, and usually vomit. It makes absolutely NO sense why I would put myself through this for all these years. What I just described is horrible so why would i do it???
You were right when you said I have problems that I need to deal with and until i do I will never be happy. I have always hated myself and overly criticized myself. No one would ever know that about me. I'm the portrait of confidence, right? I'm the snobby looking girl who thinks her shit don't stink. I think I'm better than everybody because I dress well and pull myself together and put a pretty little bow on it. No one would ever know what I truly think inside. Don't get me wrong, in certain ways I am very confident. But in the ways I'm not and in the ways I berate myself for being too this or too that or not enough of this or not enough of that---well, it has eaten me alive. No, I can't just turn this off. I think that's where therapy is going to play a role. I don't want to be one of those people who blame their parents and their upbringing for giving them nasty traits but honestly I know that played a huge role in this. They are two people who should've never gotten together and produced a baby. They were horrible together and they were horrible people without each other. My dad has made huge strides though and I do give him credit for that. But he won't talk to me about anything that really matters. I once tried to talk to him about the alcoholism in our family and he just wanted to talk about what terrible drunks his siblings are and how he is so much better off than they are. He then told me I just need antidepressants. So the man is like 58 years old and still won't talk about his issues with alcohol. Everyone else has the problem but he has beat it and was never really like them anyway. F'n God complexes!!! Although I know he is much much better with alcohol than ever, I know he hasn't beat it. I don't know if alcohol ever leaves the brain of an alcoholic. I think we just have to respectfully but sternly tell IT no.
I am not mad at your for calling my husband. I respect you. We know you are a true friend. I hope I haven't ruined that friendship. I won't always be a pain in the ass to be around. Huge wake-up call here but not the first one. So I am afraid. I am honestly afraid of what will happen when one day I find myself hearing that train round the bend with it's horn and lights blaring. The Johnny Cash song plays in my head all the time...I hear that train a-comin...comin round the bend. May sound dramatic but I swear to God that song plays in my head. I can only describe this "thing" that comes over me as a train that comes every so often and causes me to feel the extreme need to binge. I don't think it will come for a while but I can never again let my guard down. It will come when my guard is down just like it did last time when I had convinced myself that I now knew I could be a "normal" drinker. Lately I had nearly summoned the train because I just didn't think I cared. I felt so down about my marriage, finances, still not knowing what I was meant to do in life. But I DO care! This isn't the person I want to be. I have high aspirations of being something good for others to call on when needed. I have to get right and stay right so I don't lose my great husband. He is great and he is my soul mate and I needed to remember that again. Too often life and self-destruction gets in the way and makes you forget things and makes you want things you know aren't good for you. I can't let myself destroy my marriage and it kills me to think of how close I was getting to that. I got so lucky that a couple of times now "something" has intervened just at the right time before I entered a phase of no return.
So I have told you a lot. Admitted a lot. Not that you didn't already see. But I disclosed this all while being sober. I won't be sharing this right now with anyone else but my online forums where my real name is masked. I will submit this letter out there. I know you may need to talk to a friend about this. I'd appreciate it if it could only be your mom but you're free to shout it from the roof tops if you need to really vent. I Don't think I need to still try to keep it a secret, although it's not information I trust everyone with. I don't want it used as a weapon against me like my old friend did when i talked to her a couple years ago about my problem. It really hurt that she recently told people we mutually know that I have my head buried in a booze bottle all the time. She said this to cover up what she had been saying about them. Had to take the spotlight off of herself. She got it wrong though. My head wasn't ALWAYS buried in the bottle but when it was, it was buried pretty deep for that night. She also told people another very personal secret I had shared with her about five years ago. A secret is only a secret if you're the only one who knows or everyone else who knew is dead. I think you deserve to know though since you have dealt with me a lot lately. I appreciate you recognizing I couldn't take care of myself those nights so you would have to do it for me. You're a great gal FF! Please give me another chance to show you I don't have to be an out of control drunk when we're together. Help fix me you great fixer you! I will accept all the help I can get. I know you have a lot of valuable insight and I really do respect you and your great family. I also know you are busy with your own life so i don't expect a great deal of your time.
I can't dwell on my problem but I can't lose sight of it either. And I have to stay positive so I won't want to slip back in to my old ways. I can NEVER go back. I can NEVER think I know how to be a social drinker. I can't. My brain won't tolerate it.
Thanks for all you do and all you are.
Your Friend,
F,
I was just so scared to open this email!!! I feared what it would say. I feared it would tell me how awful I've been. What a shit I've been to my great husband. What a sloppy drunk I've been nearly every time you get around me. All things I deserve to hear...all things that bring me nearly to my knees with grief. Well, if my knees didn't still hurt from falling on them at Fox and Hound on May 4th. May 4, 2010...please let it be my last night of being a sloppy drunk.
So how am I doing you ask? A lot of guilt, pain, embarrassment, shame, tears, fear...and hope. Still waiting to get in with a counselor but I've taken my own steps. I pulled back out my dusty books on alcoholism from a couple years ago that I put away once I thought I had this binge thing beat. Never finished any of the books. Read some then i guess I thought just OWNING the books would do the trick. I'm no fool. I know reading these books won't stop the "Demon Brain Train" from coming around the bend again in a week, two weeks, two months...I never really know when HE's going to show up. I joined an online group though from one of the books that I had at least read half way through last time. It's called mywayout.org from a book by Roberta Jewell called My Way Out. The website and forums I joined are amazing. I can finally message with people who have done the exact same things I've done and who feel or have felt the exact same way as me. It's refreshing not being alone inside my head.
So as you know by now, I'm not an everyday drinker. I don't stash bottles of vodka around the house and guzzle them in private. Not that I'm a better drunk than those who do guzzle from the bottle...I just utilize a different method for being a drunk. I am a binge drinker and have been since fourteen. Us Kentucky girls start everything early! The first time i got drunk I was swigging whiskey like a seasoned old man and should've been in the hospital that night. A couple years ago I stopped drinking for five and a half months and then I slowly incorporated alcohol back in. For a while I could have none or i could have two and stop. But soon enough the "train" came back around more often and HE wanted more fuel. I was back to bingeing every so often. Puking, fighting with R****, falling down. Lately I have thought it would be even more fun to drink on the prescription narcotics that I was prescribed for legitimately hurting my back. That was a mess and dangerous. I gave R**** the rest of my Valium and had him dispose of them. I used to have these other non-narcotic pain pills that i ate like candy. They had a reaction with my antidepressant so they still made me stoned all day. It was nice. I think I told you about one of the days I ate too many and broke out in a rash. I laughingly said I think I overdosed! I don't know exactly why I was doing all this self-destruction. A lot of the peeps on my forum talk about drinking more when their finances changed drastically and caused stress between them and their spouses. My finances were on my mind a lot. We weren't in bad financial standing by any means but you know what kind of drastic cut I chose to take. I'm still happy about my decision...but let's face it, you need money to LIVE! We are living fine but R**** is always huffing and puffing about money and lack thereof and it stresses me when he's stressed. Plus, I felt guilt for giving up the big job even though it made me sick to go there. I had been thinking I should've just held on and continued to take all the crap that was dished out daily and I should've let it run off my back like a duck. I wish I was that kind of a person. Not R****'s fault I turned to wanting to stay stoned and drunk to deal with stress. I can't blame it all on finances either but R**** has noticed over the last seven years that when I have some issue that persists I start binge drinking more to have "fun" and to escape what's really going on. I'm a happy sloppy drunk for one glorious night...then the next day comes the shame, guilt, embarrassment, miscellaneous bruises and cuts, fights with the hubby, apologies, self-loathing, and usually vomit. It makes absolutely NO sense why I would put myself through this for all these years. What I just described is horrible so why would i do it???
You were right when you said I have problems that I need to deal with and until i do I will never be happy. I have always hated myself and overly criticized myself. No one would ever know that about me. I'm the portrait of confidence, right? I'm the snobby looking girl who thinks her shit don't stink. I think I'm better than everybody because I dress well and pull myself together and put a pretty little bow on it. No one would ever know what I truly think inside. Don't get me wrong, in certain ways I am very confident. But in the ways I'm not and in the ways I berate myself for being too this or too that or not enough of this or not enough of that---well, it has eaten me alive. No, I can't just turn this off. I think that's where therapy is going to play a role. I don't want to be one of those people who blame their parents and their upbringing for giving them nasty traits but honestly I know that played a huge role in this. They are two people who should've never gotten together and produced a baby. They were horrible together and they were horrible people without each other. My dad has made huge strides though and I do give him credit for that. But he won't talk to me about anything that really matters. I once tried to talk to him about the alcoholism in our family and he just wanted to talk about what terrible drunks his siblings are and how he is so much better off than they are. He then told me I just need antidepressants. So the man is like 58 years old and still won't talk about his issues with alcohol. Everyone else has the problem but he has beat it and was never really like them anyway. F'n God complexes!!! Although I know he is much much better with alcohol than ever, I know he hasn't beat it. I don't know if alcohol ever leaves the brain of an alcoholic. I think we just have to respectfully but sternly tell IT no.
I am not mad at your for calling my husband. I respect you. We know you are a true friend. I hope I haven't ruined that friendship. I won't always be a pain in the ass to be around. Huge wake-up call here but not the first one. So I am afraid. I am honestly afraid of what will happen when one day I find myself hearing that train round the bend with it's horn and lights blaring. The Johnny Cash song plays in my head all the time...I hear that train a-comin...comin round the bend. May sound dramatic but I swear to God that song plays in my head. I can only describe this "thing" that comes over me as a train that comes every so often and causes me to feel the extreme need to binge. I don't think it will come for a while but I can never again let my guard down. It will come when my guard is down just like it did last time when I had convinced myself that I now knew I could be a "normal" drinker. Lately I had nearly summoned the train because I just didn't think I cared. I felt so down about my marriage, finances, still not knowing what I was meant to do in life. But I DO care! This isn't the person I want to be. I have high aspirations of being something good for others to call on when needed. I have to get right and stay right so I don't lose my great husband. He is great and he is my soul mate and I needed to remember that again. Too often life and self-destruction gets in the way and makes you forget things and makes you want things you know aren't good for you. I can't let myself destroy my marriage and it kills me to think of how close I was getting to that. I got so lucky that a couple of times now "something" has intervened just at the right time before I entered a phase of no return.
So I have told you a lot. Admitted a lot. Not that you didn't already see. But I disclosed this all while being sober. I won't be sharing this right now with anyone else but my online forums where my real name is masked. I will submit this letter out there. I know you may need to talk to a friend about this. I'd appreciate it if it could only be your mom but you're free to shout it from the roof tops if you need to really vent. I Don't think I need to still try to keep it a secret, although it's not information I trust everyone with. I don't want it used as a weapon against me like my old friend did when i talked to her a couple years ago about my problem. It really hurt that she recently told people we mutually know that I have my head buried in a booze bottle all the time. She said this to cover up what she had been saying about them. Had to take the spotlight off of herself. She got it wrong though. My head wasn't ALWAYS buried in the bottle but when it was, it was buried pretty deep for that night. She also told people another very personal secret I had shared with her about five years ago. A secret is only a secret if you're the only one who knows or everyone else who knew is dead. I think you deserve to know though since you have dealt with me a lot lately. I appreciate you recognizing I couldn't take care of myself those nights so you would have to do it for me. You're a great gal FF! Please give me another chance to show you I don't have to be an out of control drunk when we're together. Help fix me you great fixer you! I will accept all the help I can get. I know you have a lot of valuable insight and I really do respect you and your great family. I also know you are busy with your own life so i don't expect a great deal of your time.
I can't dwell on my problem but I can't lose sight of it either. And I have to stay positive so I won't want to slip back in to my old ways. I can NEVER go back. I can NEVER think I know how to be a social drinker. I can't. My brain won't tolerate it.
Thanks for all you do and all you are.
Your Friend,
awprint: RUBY Imagine yourself doing What you love and loving What you do, Being happy From the inside Out, experiencing your Dreams wide awake, 
:h
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