Look I have to beat this demon. It is killing me. I am learning to read these sites, which can take time, although I do feel myself self saboutaging, maybe for fear it will work and my addiction does not want me sober. It is me who does. Me who each night, after a skinful of alcohol and nicotine - prays to God and says I do not want this anymore, never again and then again I find myself stuck alone with my bottle and nicotine, such is the madness, and it has to be madness, for how can that be sane??? Doing something we know we hate and reading you all, we all feel the same and then we continue. I can't quite grasp it - what the heck is that all about? I have some campral. I have been frightened to take it... Maybe I should. I have Kudzu and have locked it away. Now I think is the time. I have said it so many times and failed so many times that I am afraid, really afraid. I am so lucky, I live in a place that is similar to heaven in my eyes, I shall post some photos to show you all. Yet, I make myself live in hell. Why???????????? I know I have to be focused, I know I have to be strong, I can do it, but and a but must come in, cos I am an addict and how I hate myself for it. Maybe I should just learn to love myself and go and plant my tomato plants. Much love to one and all and thanks so very much.....
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i have to beat this demon
JFT firstly please done hate yourself for it, you didnt choose to become addicted, none of us did. This is hard, if it wasnt places like this wouldnt exist but exist they do and let me tell you MWO works.
Secondly dont be afraid for once we ourselves have made that decision to stop the madness and actually want it with all our being, it can be done. You have taken the first very important step in accepting the problem and looking for help. Keep reading the posts, asking questions and do try to read the book, make a plan. Try and take it one hour at a time if needs be.
Keep safe
KTABEthanol is a toxic chemical, why would I drink it? -
i have to beat this demon
Hey JFT, you seem to know what you want - that's a very good start, and as KTAB said you didn't just come to MWO for a laugh.
So join in, I see you are going to join us quitting smoking - have you decided yet when you are going to give up the wine?
Where is it you are from? Sounds divine!Comment
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i have to beat this demon
thank you KTAB
honestly, thank you. I know and I am afraid. I just never knew how powerful this addiction would be. Now usually, I would be going out for my second bottle of wine, but instead, (and this is important) I have decided to cook food, for when I drink I do not eat. If I force myself to eat, I do not drink. It seems to fill the need. I am washing my whites in the washing machine, about to hang out on the line. Avoiding neighbours cos I live in a village and boy are they nosey, but I opened my blinds as if I don't they fret, if I do they are nosey, it is a bit of a no win situation. However, I used the upstairs loo to avoid being oggled. And they do oggle, as they have nothing better to do. No one really knows the extent of my problem, only this website. My kids have a clue, but not the full extent cos I have become adept at hiding it. Such is our deceitful nature, but in the end who the heck are we kidding??? I wait for the day I can say to you all just one week clean, that is all I want. God bless you. I think he cares, but right now I am not sure.... much love me:thanks:Comment
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i have to beat this demon
wanna change
Hello wanna change. I live in a village in Yorkshire with no mass buildings, lots of mountains, lots of rivers/lakes, lots of sheep and of course bulls, no doubt locked up for burgers, but I just get upset by it all. There are 100 people where I live, no shops, no post office just two pubs and I never visit them. Such is the need to hide my addiction from my neighbours. Naturally, I cannot give you my exact whereabouts, however, let us just say holiday cottages are located behind me where people come to escape from the madding crowd. Mind you, they have me on their doorstep and the looney neighbour with three grandchildren who wakes me up at 7 am daily yelling at them. Perish the poor holiday maker! and they pay a lot of money for the priviledge. As for when I am finishing wine. It goes hand in hand with the cigs and that is today. It has to be cos this carnage can no longer continue.. So today the day for wine, today the day for cigs... wish me well pllllleeeeasexxxxxxxxxxxxxxComment
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i have to beat this demon
Sounds lovely, I thought you were gonna say cuba or somewhere.
Of course we wish you well, and good for you for making the choice, let us know how it is going and looking forward to seeing you in the Army too.Comment
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i have to beat this demon
Sounds like the AL is adding to your paranoia - yep another side effect of the AL drug.
Campral won't hurt you it's not a 'drug' drug only thing is that if you are still drinking it won't have any effect.
By the way a lot more people probably know and notice than you realise - I live alone and kept my drinking to myself in the last few years yet now I've got friends telling me about stuff I never thought they knew about.
Sod the neighbours and get on with your own life. I actually want my neighbours to see me now I'm sober "Look at me!!!Aren't I a clever clogs and looking great 100% sober".
:waving:Comment
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