I feel so stupid

[Frangipani]

I feel so stupid

Else,

About two and a half years ago I had been bingeing like crazy for "fun" I thought my life was missing. My hubby and I started fighting more and more because of stupid things I did or said during my binges. I finally felt so guilty that I admitted I had a problem and I "stopped" drinking period. I admitted that I could NEVER drink again because if I had one I would have to have ten. After five and a half months, I talked myself into being a "moderate" drinker. I convinced myself that I had been just way too critical of myself and overdid it with the "NEVER" portion. I mean, that would mean I couldn't drink fun little umbrella drinks while on vacation! I couldn't sit on my back deck in the hot sun flipping through a magazine while enjoying an ice cold Corona with lime. How could I deprive myself of that? So I slowly incorporated alcohol back in and for a while I could have one or two. Soon enough the binges came back and that feeling of wanting and needing to get really hammered came back. So fast forward and now here I am. A person who binged pretty bad on booze AND prescription narcotics twice in three days. A person who still hates myself for being an over-indulgent hot mess! Moderation may work for some but it doesn't work for me. I have to stay active in my sobriety so I don't talk myself into being a "moderate" drinker again. I wish luck to you and to me and to all of us out here on this forum. May we all become the person we KNOW we can be without booze!!!

[someone_else]

I feel so stupid

Welcome Wilma, and thanks again Ruby, for your support and wisdom.

[someone_else]

I feel so stupid

Frangipani, that really gives me something to think about. It is weird how it can sneak up on you again. Thanks for sharing.

[Frangipani]

I feel so stupid

Ruby, I love your wisdom! I've enjoyed it several times now in the short time I've been on this forum. Thank you!

[KateH1]

I feel so stupid

Unlike Ruby, I was not at all successful at modding, oh, yes, I would have a time or two and stop at one or two....but, in very short order I would get drunk and my old habits would start up again. I do not consider my example of succesful modding. Plain and simple, I am an alcoholic and unable to control my drinking once I take that first drink. I control my destinay with living alcohol free....and, I love living alcohol free!

For those considering modding, the mwo book describes some drinkers as being able to learn how to truly mod. These people are considered to be "problem drinkers", not alcoholics. In order to begin modding, one must go through a minimum of 30 days AF before attempting to Mod. This makes sense, if one can even begin to honestly believe that they can control thier drinking rather than drinking will control them, 30 days AF should not be a huge issue! Really, it makes no sense to believe that after years of issues and problems with alcohol, that one day we simply "Decide" to continue drinking but Today will be different from all the other times.

One more thing, according to MWO, (the book), True Modding is NOT a Daily Struggle with alcohol. It is Not living with some days without getting drunk and others that work out OK. True modding is Knowing that you can have a drink on occasion without worrying about drinking too much. The book describes modding like eating butter, a little bit on occasion for the delightful flavor is not an issue, a stick or more a day is deadly!

Best Wishes!
Kate

[Wagoneer]

I feel so stupid

Your stories ring so true to me.

I'm back. It has snuck up on me again. It has been sicne January since I had been here. Stopped for a month here and there, but the sneaky bastard claims me over and over. I have a wonderful life and AL does NOTHING for me, but I continue to drink. I don't drink and drive, don't black out, but DRINK nonetheless. Then I feel like a piece of crap mentall and physically, but still do everything like a normal person. Never miss work, make all the meals, have even started a side business, but how much better could I deal with it by NOT drinking??!! Functioning alkie, that's me. I just do not understand the hold this has on me and I am so depressed. I cannot moderate. At all. Ever. So here I am again. Sorry to vent, I am just a mess. I just ordered all the supplements and am hoping that unopened bottle of chardonnay stays unopened tonight. If not, back on the damn horse tomorrow. But I will do my best. Sending everyone happy thoughts.

[rubywillow]

I feel so stupid

Exactly, Kate!!! I just always worried about wanting too much butter!

[KateH1]

I feel so stupid

LOL!! Well, you are a southern girl, Ruby!!

[mario]

I feel so stupid

Wagoneer;856041 wrote: Your stories ring so true to me.

I'm back. It has snuck up on me again. It has been sicne January since I had been here. Stopped for a month here and there, but the sneaky bastard claims me over and over. I have a wonderful life and AL does NOTHING for me, but I continue to drink. I don't drink and drive, don't black out, but DRINK nonetheless. Then I feel like a piece of crap mentall and physically, but still do everything like a normal person. Never miss work, make all the meals, have even started a side business, but how much better could I deal with it by NOT drinking??!! Functioning alkie, that's me. I just do not understand the hold this has on me and I am so depressed. I cannot moderate. At all. Ever. So here I am again. Sorry to vent, I am just a mess. I just ordered all the supplements and am hoping that unopened bottle of chardonnay stays unopened tonight. If not, back on the damn horse tomorrow. But I will do my best. Sending everyone happy thoughts.

:welcome: back wagoneer,Put your plan into action and you could start by throwing/pouring your chardonnay out... you know what you have to do,just do it..goodluck

[someone_else]

I feel so stupid

Best of luck, Wagoneer...glad you came back and posted.

Well, I went to pick up my daughter from school and she was being extra whiny and jabbery and getting on my nerves, (she is six) and I started feeling nervous because I was thinking about a beer...then I remembered I had given it to my friend and I felt so relieved! Maybe one drink on a special occasion would be ok every once in a while but I'm not going to keep it around the house anymore - trouble is my husband likes to have wine once in a while and unfortunately that's a danger for me, I guess I could just tell myself it's for him. There isn't any right now. I was pretty depressed earlier but I feel better now, and better about myself for not drinking. It's 3:30, and there have been several times lately that I started around noon, or before.

[KatieB]

I feel so stupid

someone else,
I was the same.. I sometimes had wine at 12 noon.. or even vodka first thing i woke up "to get me through the day" - these are lies that AL tells us! No good ever comes from drinking during the day.. at first it may feel relaxing, but shortly after I would be irritable and feel so tired and demotivated.. I also know what its like to have a child getting on your nerves.. my son is 2 - however, the longer you go AF, the higher your tolerance and patience becomes.. I now enjoy my son more than ever, rather than sinking into my own feelings.. I have more energy and motivation to do things with him and make the most of him.. children are so precious!
Please keep coming here and posting - I have only been here 3 months but this place has helped me so much.. lots of caring people here.. the people here have cared more about me than anyone ever has in the "real" world..
So pleased to hear you are feeling strong.. you can do this!
Katie xxx

[someone_else]

I feel so stupid

Thanks Katie! Drinking early is never a good idea...I would want to just keep going and end up with 8 or 10 drinks by the end of the day.

Today I went to a healing qi gong class and that helps...for a while. I need to learn it so I can do it every day.