:new: I have been battling alcohol for most of my life. I was encouraged to drink by my father, who, incidentally, was an alcoholic. It didn't start off in big ways, just a sip here and there, but by age 16, I was a big drinker. Not every day, but a true binge drinker on the weekends. And from there it progressed and progressed until the here and now.
I have managed to stop for periods of time. The longest was 3 months, before I decided that I needed it again. I know I don't need it. I want it. And yet, I don't want it. Confusing brain talk. I tell myself that if I just have a little drink, then I will be able to concentrate on what I'm trying to do. In reality, what happens is that I do nothing at all, but drink.
Then I berate myself for not doing what needs to be done and I'm feeling too sick by then to do it. So, I berate myself for not getting anything done and if I just have another drink, I'll feel better ... and the cycle goes around.
When I don't drink, I feel so good. I actually remember things. I don't have to worry about driving anywhere. I do, however, as a matter of years of alcohol abuse, worry when I see a police car, even when I'm sober.
I have recently seen a psychologist who has told me I have a Borderline Personality Disorder of Negative Self Image, along with some evidence of OCD. I have asked the questions, but still don't know what this actually means.
I wonder if I drink because I hate myself?
I have managed to stop for periods of time. The longest was 3 months, before I decided that I needed it again. I know I don't need it. I want it. And yet, I don't want it. Confusing brain talk. I tell myself that if I just have a little drink, then I will be able to concentrate on what I'm trying to do. In reality, what happens is that I do nothing at all, but drink.
Then I berate myself for not doing what needs to be done and I'm feeling too sick by then to do it. So, I berate myself for not getting anything done and if I just have another drink, I'll feel better ... and the cycle goes around.
When I don't drink, I feel so good. I actually remember things. I don't have to worry about driving anywhere. I do, however, as a matter of years of alcohol abuse, worry when I see a police car, even when I'm sober.
I have recently seen a psychologist who has told me I have a Borderline Personality Disorder of Negative Self Image, along with some evidence of OCD. I have asked the questions, but still don't know what this actually means.
I wonder if I drink because I hate myself?
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