I was a chronic relapser before I finally hit rock bottom. A few of those relapses I played out on the forum after the event with the intention of manipulating my friends here for the sympathy vote. I didn't want to have to admit to myself that I was back at day 1 every few months either. Why should I? I've worked hard to get this far; would be my usual thinking. Let's just call it a lapse and we'll forget all about it. I've learned from my mistakes so I'll continue to tell myself I'm doing OK. I was quite boastful at one point that I'd had 12 months sobriety (although not complete abstinence if you counted all the weeks I'd spent binging!).
The problem with this type of thinking was that it allowed me to continue deluding myself that I was actually making progress when in fact I wasn't. I would quite happily post on the forum that I was back at day 1 again when realistically I was angry at having to be back there again. "How come all these other bastards are getting it and I'm not?" I couldn't help compare myself with others rather than look for the solutions to my own problems.
Now, I'm not here to make moral judgments on other people's sobriety. But in my book if you are trying to abstain from alcohol and you relapse, have a lapse, have a slip, have a funny moment, or whatever else you wanna call it; then you have to get honest with yourself and be humble enough to accept full responsibility for your actions. If not, you are setting yourself up for failure in the long run because these little white lies we tell ourselves will one day catch up with us. If you continually give yourself permission to allow these little indiscretions they'll keep building up until suddenly you're wondering why the hell you keep relapsing all the time. How did I get here AGAIN? Before you know it you've given yourself permission to drink again under the illusion that things will be different this time. It's a slippery slope believe me because I've been there. I wasn't honest with myself. I was "honest" with everybody here (I use quotations because I actually believed I was being genuinely honest with people. Although I realise today how unknowingly manipulative I was back then!) but I continued to be angry and resentful thinking of myself further along in my sobriety than I actually was.
I know if I relapsed right now my nature as an alcoholic would be to not want to accept it had happened. 16 months of sobriety down the pan and back at that God awful Day 1 again? It would cripple me and I wouldn't want to accept it. That's the simple truth. But I know if I didn't accept the reality of it I'd be straight back into my old ways of thinking that would eventually be the foundations for further relapses in the future. I've seen this happen quite recently with a friend I went through treatment with. She was in a lot of pain due to the lies she told herself.
Accept what is, not what you want it to be. Don't sell yourself short. If you don't have the humility to do that, then you're in for a shaky ride. I'd rather have the stillness in me any day of the week. I can deal with what's going on for me at the moment when I'm completely honest with myself, my feelings and more importantly my sobriety.
Keep it real
Many Blessings
Phil
The problem with this type of thinking was that it allowed me to continue deluding myself that I was actually making progress when in fact I wasn't. I would quite happily post on the forum that I was back at day 1 again when realistically I was angry at having to be back there again. "How come all these other bastards are getting it and I'm not?" I couldn't help compare myself with others rather than look for the solutions to my own problems.
Now, I'm not here to make moral judgments on other people's sobriety. But in my book if you are trying to abstain from alcohol and you relapse, have a lapse, have a slip, have a funny moment, or whatever else you wanna call it; then you have to get honest with yourself and be humble enough to accept full responsibility for your actions. If not, you are setting yourself up for failure in the long run because these little white lies we tell ourselves will one day catch up with us. If you continually give yourself permission to allow these little indiscretions they'll keep building up until suddenly you're wondering why the hell you keep relapsing all the time. How did I get here AGAIN? Before you know it you've given yourself permission to drink again under the illusion that things will be different this time. It's a slippery slope believe me because I've been there. I wasn't honest with myself. I was "honest" with everybody here (I use quotations because I actually believed I was being genuinely honest with people. Although I realise today how unknowingly manipulative I was back then!) but I continued to be angry and resentful thinking of myself further along in my sobriety than I actually was.
I know if I relapsed right now my nature as an alcoholic would be to not want to accept it had happened. 16 months of sobriety down the pan and back at that God awful Day 1 again? It would cripple me and I wouldn't want to accept it. That's the simple truth. But I know if I didn't accept the reality of it I'd be straight back into my old ways of thinking that would eventually be the foundations for further relapses in the future. I've seen this happen quite recently with a friend I went through treatment with. She was in a lot of pain due to the lies she told herself.
Accept what is, not what you want it to be. Don't sell yourself short. If you don't have the humility to do that, then you're in for a shaky ride. I'd rather have the stillness in me any day of the week. I can deal with what's going on for me at the moment when I'm completely honest with myself, my feelings and more importantly my sobriety.
Keep it real
Many Blessings
Phil
awprint: RUBY Imagine yourself doing What you love and loving What you do, Being happy From the inside Out, experiencing your Dreams wide awake, 
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