Shallow, I know but ....

[Justforme]

Day 30 for me tomorrow so I should be feeling great, right? I was but have just realised what it is that was probably more often than not the trigger for my drinking. I've been going on quite happily, feeling proud of myself and today was my wedding anniversary. I'm that sort of person who likes and takes a lot of time over getting a gift for someone or a nice card. And I am ashamed to say, that I get quite excited about my own birthday, or anniversary and more often than not I end up feeling really disappointed. This is all sounds rubbish and I sound like a totally materialistic horrible person. I'll still post it though because I'm being honest here and I think that in my drinking I've been trying to deaden my feelings of disappointment which often leave me feeling unloved or undesirable and now that I'm not drinking I am feeling really down.

[Ringing Cedars]

Shallow, I know but ....

wow....keep posting

[Justforme]

Shallow, I know but ....

Ok, here goes .. The thing is that I just suddenly this evening desperately felt like I needed a drink. I actually for a second forgot all about being AF, it was like an automatic thing going on in my head. You are feeling let down. Where's your glass?
My counsellor has said for some time now, while I've been dealing with other issues with her, that a lot of us drink to numb some feeling inside which we don't want to deal with or think about. It just hit me like a sledge hammer that this feeling is my achillies heel. and I think feel it a lot. It's only because I got myself all excited about what my husband might have planned for me that I then dropped down to such a low.
I won't be drinking. For one thing, I don't have any in the house and I'm a long way from civilisation. It has made me think though. As I said, I almost didn't want to post because it makes me feel like I must be a pretty needy sort of a person. But God, I feel like a drink right now and I haven't felt like that in the last week.

[SoFlo1]

Shallow, I know but ....

Not shallow at all, IMO. Mrs SoFlo and I celebrated our 15th tonight and it took me a while to get a gift I was happy with for her. But then it occurred to me that being sober for the celebration was exactly the gift she was looking for, anything else was gravy. I think we sometimes try to be too perfect sometimes, sets us up get disappointed in ourselves or the situation and drown our sorrows over how our best intentions weren't good enough. I'd say chill out and talk about the changes you've made, see how your hubby feels about it and try to understand whether or not you've already given him the best present.

Keep posting!

[Justforme]

Shallow, I know but ....

Thanks SoFlo, I am always trying too hard to please everyone. I know that. I think I am on to something here though, something about myself which may be one of those things that others have talked about in their post, things that have bubbled up to the surface once they are free of the murk of alcohol in their thinking, and something that I might not like about myself very much.

[johnnyh]

Shallow, I know but ....

Hey,

Thanks for your openess and honesty.

You're doing so well... Just don't fool yourself into thinking the AL is the reward you deserve. Because that's a lie. The AL destroys everything you work for. So keep strong, will you?!

Don't ever feel ashamed of how you feel. I'ts like yousay, hiding the feelings is often where the problems starts. and the very things this forum is for is sharing those feelings.

Rock on

[Justforme]

Shallow, I know but ....

Thanks Johnny. Just having a sparkling grape juice, the craving has passed. Praise the Lord!

[girly wirly]

Shallow, I know but ....

just for me,

how about treating yourself tomorrow? to an item of clothing or make up? get your hair done or some nice jewellery. better gift to yourself than al!

keep posting x

and so what if you are a little materialistic? lots of us are!

[hillsidetime]

Shallow, I know but ....

Hi Justforme, first of all, congratulations on the 30 days. That is awesome. You should be proud of yourself. I have also have spent a great deal of time trying to figure out why I drank so much. Alcohol, and its urges, and how it can make us think poorly - is the most cunning of enemies. Out of the blue, it can strike hard - such as yesterday for you. The great news is that you surfed the urge, and did not drink. Like you are doing -working through your own issues, without alcohol to numb your feelings, is a very important thing to do, but I know that it is not easy. I hope you feel better today. All the best to you, and happy belated Anniversary.
Hill

[not tonight]

Shallow, I know but ....

Justforme;870681 wrote: Ok, here goes .. The thing is that I just suddenly this evening desperately felt like I needed a drink. I actually for a second forgot all about being AF, it was like an automatic thing going on in my head. You are feeling let down. Where's your glass?
My counsellor has said for some time now, while I've been dealing with other issues with her, that a lot of us drink to numb some feeling inside which we don't want to deal with or think about. It just hit me like a sledge hammer that this feeling is my achillies heel. and I think feel it a lot. It's only because I got myself all excited about what my husband might have planned for me that I then dropped down to such a low.
I won't be drinking. For one thing, I don't have any in the house and I'm a long way from civilisation. It has made me think though. As I said, I almost didn't want to post because it makes me feel like I must be a pretty needy sort of a person. But God, I feel like a drink right now and I haven't felt like that in the last week.

Justforme I can completely relate to your feelings of disappointment. Happens to me every year. And it's not about getting a gift, it's about affirmation, that I am still important to my husband not just as a the mother of his children and his partner in running the family. When it doesn't happen then I always want to console myself with a drink I have decided that from this year forward I am going to treat myself rather than be upset with my husband.

[hippie37]

Shallow, I know but ....

In some Native American cultures the person celebrating their birthday would usually give gifts to everybody else. The gift of giving can far outweigh the gift of receiving.

[Gaia]

Shallow, I know but ....

I think that when disappointed, one feels, 'ok now I'm going to give myself something I REALLY like because no one else cares." But if the feeling is there, there are other gifts better than a drink. I could list them. But finally, I guess, one reaches a point where there is no longer a need to give yourself something to make up for the disappointment because you accept what you received, and gave, and wanted no more or less.
Good job on not reaching for AL, by the way.

[Justforme]

Shallow, I know but ....

Thanks once again everyone for your thoughts. I suppose the past week has led me to the big downer yesterday. My big celebration last week when I managed to stay AF was a graduation. It was mine, as a mature student. It has been a very hard year with family issues and what not and I would have liked some sort of little momento from my husband, yes, an affirmation that I was something more than the mother or the housewife, someone he felt intimate about and attracted to. He gave me a teapot. I can hear you all laughing. It really is pretty funny. We live in a really isolated place in the country and here we were right down town in the city. Maybe the girls will appreciate this whining more, but I visualised something like a sexy perfume, or a little piece of jewellery. Just something that I would wear maybe and look at and remember that day. But a aTEAPOT????
And then there was my anniversary precisely one week later ...
It is good to write this down. It is making me laugh. And I can't help it. I am a huge 'giver'. I spend hours scouring for something special that my husband will light up at. LOL

[Justforme]

Shallow, I know but ....

I should add that I raved about that teapot. How much I loved it, I mean ...

[Prest4time]

Shallow, I know but ....

Hi Justforme,

I can really relate to your feelings. When my husband and I went through some counseling some years back, one of the things that came out was a history of disappointment on my part that he really never did much for my birthday or our anniversary. I never wanted to tell him what I was secretly hoping before because I did not want him to do something just because I suggested it. He would normally get me something on my birthday and coming home with such things as a Quisinart one time still in the Home Depot bag. Never a card or anything romantic or even wrapped.

Anyway, all of that to say that our counselor gave us some really good advice. The first bit was for me; which was that I cannot expect my husband to be a mind-reader. It is MY responsibility to tell him what I would like and to speak up when I think of something I would love to have (within budget and reason) and tell him. The second part was for my husband, which was that he should always try to give a gift that can only be enjoyed by me... such as a gift card for a massage, flowers, perfume, lingerie for an anniversary, etc. (well I guess he could enjoy that too :H)

My husband was honestly quite shocked to learn that I had been hurt and dissapointed over the years. He personally does not like any fanfare on his birthday so he took the same approach on my birthday.

The best advice though was a book she had us read called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Smalley. There is a test at the end to help you discover not only your own love language, but that of your mate's. Interestingly, "Giving and receiving gifts" is one of the five love languages and it turned out to be mine. There is nothing selfish at ALL about having this need. Other love languages include "Quality Time", "Words of Affirmation" and so on. Although we all need a portion of each of them, we are all drawn strongly to one or two above the others. We all tend to express love in the way we personally want it shown to us by others. So if special gifts mean a lot to you from your husband, chances are you are also a giver and put lots of thought and planning into that "perfect" gift for him and your kids, etc. But if he (like my husband turned out to be) just needs "Words of Affirmation" and "Quality Time" does not care two cents about whether he gets a wrapped gift or not. He just wants to be with me on his birthday watching a movie or just spending time together. He also needs me to tell him on a regular basis that I am proud of him and verbally express my love, which I tend to not do nearly enough because I am more focused on buying that perfect gift!

My husband and I now know and understand each other's love language, and ever since we "got it", things have been very different! The next year he bought me a gorgeous necklace and matching earrings in my birthstone, and the next year when I turned 40, he took me to New York City for a week which had always been a dream for me. Just know that he no doubtedly loves you dearly, it sounds like you guys just need to learn each other's language! Sorry this was so long, but I just wanted to pass on what turned my very similar situation around.