I've been wanting to come on here again for a while now. I now have a new user name because I'm in a different place to where I was before. I changed my goal and I figured if I am going to start over I may as well start over in every respect on this forum.
I have / haven't been an alcoholic (depends on your definition) but I know I have been a very troubled young man - at least I was throughout my 20's I have just hit 30. I am sure many people on this forum are going to be able to relate when I say that I started drinking to "self medicate" for an anxiety disorder. Anyone who truly has one of those will realise they are not fun (to say the least) and in the early stages before you are correctly diagnosed alcohol, more often than not, is the only thing that works.
In my case I started out slow, but they talk about alcoholism being a slippery slope. I started to slide pretty fast - most of my 20's whisked past so quickly that I really didn't get a chance to enjoy it. I spent most of my time avoiding it. Doing what other people suggested I do and not really getting in touch with myself. I feel like I am 30 years old but really in life, I am where I should have been when I was in my early 20's.
Anyway I am going to skip over the relationships I got stuck in and all the early stuff - the identity crisis, the nearly completely losing myself due to alcohol and simply not knowing where I was to around August last year where I ended up in rehab to save my arse essentially. I will leave out the details.
What I did not think that I would get in rehab is exactly what I got. An education about alcohol - that I really needed. I never had one, my parents didn't provide me with one and my friends just gave it the thumbs up - I just figured drink until you were drunk and then I'd curse myself waking up the next morning not knowing what the hell had happened the night before. The education I got in rehab plus the scare I had just had saw me completely sober for 4 months but after that experimenting with other drugs until. Not good. Not heavy stuff but still not good.
The start of this year I guess you could say I decided to turn over a new leaf - I mean I was angry at myself for screwing up my sobriety but anger achieves nothing if you don't learn from it. I was heavily in debt, I am still in debt but I am so much closer to getting out than I was before. I guess I learned from it. I decided that I would become a social drinker only. So I did. I actually achieved this. I would have 2 beers and stop, or 3 lights and stop. I noticed however my tolerance was going up and up and to be honest I shouldn't really be mixing alcohol with the medication I am on anyway. (xanax, luvox) for anyone in the know and I am conscious of this.
In the last 6 months I have not been able to remember the night before one time and one time only and there were only sections I could not remember - not the whole thing. I had experienced complete blankness many many times before. I started to realise I didn't really enjoy social drinking anymore. I mean yeah it was easy to sit down and have a drink with your "friends" without having to make an excuse but I was robbing myself of my sobriety in doing so. Again I simply did not enjoy it. Why teeter around the edge of something that has caused so much misery in my life and has the very real potential to cause my living in hell (jail) or maybe even my end prematurely.
I have also realised that when I drink even the smallest amount I feel like absolute hell the next day. It takes me days to recover. I know from rehab that my liver is not 100%. So far I have no brain damage and I want to keep it that way. I do not want to end up in jail for doing something that I would never normally do and be forced to be someone I would never normally want to or even think of being to survive due to some stupid thing I did while I was under the influence of alcohol.
I came to the conclusion that I was a nice guy and honestly had nothing to prove to anyone. Slowly over the last six months. I moved out of my parents home which probably helped also and I am less in debt than I have ever been and am supporting myself.
I decided on the 30th of May of this year after having a drinking session with a friend that enough was just enough. I am still recovering and its the third of June. It takes me so long to get back on track and really I don't not like being in control. Social drinking is not for me either. I am aware I have a party coming up but I am going to say for now that I am on antibiotics and then later that I have made the decision not to drink.
I know you hear that I have been sober for what 4 days and think it's not a lot. I know it's not but I was sober for four months and in between I actually did socially drink. Sure there would be cravings here and there but I stomped on them I guess.
Naturally I am concerned about my health. I know I have already damaged my liver as I said above and I know the brain goes next. If not some other vital organ. I am just over it. Why inflict it upon myself. Why have to control it? Why have to be constantly on guard.
If NOT drinking alcohol costs me everything in my life so be it. Sure its easier sometimes with an anxiety disorder to have a few beers in certain situations but the person that creates is not me. I am tired of not being me and I am going to be me. I remember once upon a time I was a pretty nice guy and this year I am getting back to that.
So I guess that's my story for now. It's longish I know but writing helps me cement things and I hope someone gets something out of it.
I will keep posting.
Good luck to you all!
I have / haven't been an alcoholic (depends on your definition) but I know I have been a very troubled young man - at least I was throughout my 20's I have just hit 30. I am sure many people on this forum are going to be able to relate when I say that I started drinking to "self medicate" for an anxiety disorder. Anyone who truly has one of those will realise they are not fun (to say the least) and in the early stages before you are correctly diagnosed alcohol, more often than not, is the only thing that works.
In my case I started out slow, but they talk about alcoholism being a slippery slope. I started to slide pretty fast - most of my 20's whisked past so quickly that I really didn't get a chance to enjoy it. I spent most of my time avoiding it. Doing what other people suggested I do and not really getting in touch with myself. I feel like I am 30 years old but really in life, I am where I should have been when I was in my early 20's.
Anyway I am going to skip over the relationships I got stuck in and all the early stuff - the identity crisis, the nearly completely losing myself due to alcohol and simply not knowing where I was to around August last year where I ended up in rehab to save my arse essentially. I will leave out the details.
What I did not think that I would get in rehab is exactly what I got. An education about alcohol - that I really needed. I never had one, my parents didn't provide me with one and my friends just gave it the thumbs up - I just figured drink until you were drunk and then I'd curse myself waking up the next morning not knowing what the hell had happened the night before. The education I got in rehab plus the scare I had just had saw me completely sober for 4 months but after that experimenting with other drugs until. Not good. Not heavy stuff but still not good.
The start of this year I guess you could say I decided to turn over a new leaf - I mean I was angry at myself for screwing up my sobriety but anger achieves nothing if you don't learn from it. I was heavily in debt, I am still in debt but I am so much closer to getting out than I was before. I guess I learned from it. I decided that I would become a social drinker only. So I did. I actually achieved this. I would have 2 beers and stop, or 3 lights and stop. I noticed however my tolerance was going up and up and to be honest I shouldn't really be mixing alcohol with the medication I am on anyway. (xanax, luvox) for anyone in the know and I am conscious of this.
In the last 6 months I have not been able to remember the night before one time and one time only and there were only sections I could not remember - not the whole thing. I had experienced complete blankness many many times before. I started to realise I didn't really enjoy social drinking anymore. I mean yeah it was easy to sit down and have a drink with your "friends" without having to make an excuse but I was robbing myself of my sobriety in doing so. Again I simply did not enjoy it. Why teeter around the edge of something that has caused so much misery in my life and has the very real potential to cause my living in hell (jail) or maybe even my end prematurely.
I have also realised that when I drink even the smallest amount I feel like absolute hell the next day. It takes me days to recover. I know from rehab that my liver is not 100%. So far I have no brain damage and I want to keep it that way. I do not want to end up in jail for doing something that I would never normally do and be forced to be someone I would never normally want to or even think of being to survive due to some stupid thing I did while I was under the influence of alcohol.
I came to the conclusion that I was a nice guy and honestly had nothing to prove to anyone. Slowly over the last six months. I moved out of my parents home which probably helped also and I am less in debt than I have ever been and am supporting myself.
I decided on the 30th of May of this year after having a drinking session with a friend that enough was just enough. I am still recovering and its the third of June. It takes me so long to get back on track and really I don't not like being in control. Social drinking is not for me either. I am aware I have a party coming up but I am going to say for now that I am on antibiotics and then later that I have made the decision not to drink.
I know you hear that I have been sober for what 4 days and think it's not a lot. I know it's not but I was sober for four months and in between I actually did socially drink. Sure there would be cravings here and there but I stomped on them I guess.
Naturally I am concerned about my health. I know I have already damaged my liver as I said above and I know the brain goes next. If not some other vital organ. I am just over it. Why inflict it upon myself. Why have to control it? Why have to be constantly on guard.
If NOT drinking alcohol costs me everything in my life so be it. Sure its easier sometimes with an anxiety disorder to have a few beers in certain situations but the person that creates is not me. I am tired of not being me and I am going to be me. I remember once upon a time I was a pretty nice guy and this year I am getting back to that.
So I guess that's my story for now. It's longish I know but writing helps me cement things and I hope someone gets something out of it.
I will keep posting.
Good luck to you all!
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