As I sit on the brink of what I know is going to be a very real, very easy, opportunity for me to get completely wasted "legitimately" I start to feel sick and I remember.
Legitimately is in inverted commas because the people surrounding me right now have no idea of my past, no idea that I have been to rehab, and no idea that I had a serious alcohol problem. They believe the reason I do not have my license right now is because I was speeding. I lied to them justifying it to myself as being none of their business.
Again "legitametely" is used because there is going to be a party where I am living. They are expecting over 100 people, this party was not initiated by me but I am more than expected to take part in it. Being the relaxed, cool, jumping, jiving person that these people believe I am.
I am sitting here thinking of how the hell I am going to get myself away from this party a whole 14 hours before it starts, at 6 in the morning no less. The pressure on me to drink is going to be intense and this, naturally, is one of the pitfalls of not wanting to reveal your past to new people and my fault, I realise this. These are not people who would push me to drink if they knew about my past but they are people who would think they were better than me if they were aware of my past and I am not the kind of person who can deal with that. I will not start a 100m race 10m behind the rest of the runners and if they knew I feel like I'd have to do that every time it came to anything. Devalued. It's not just these people, I think it's people in general. Obvoiusly people on mwo forums sympathise if not empathise but the general public in my experience do not.
I don't want to go off on too much of a tangent here but in ways it's a sad world we live in. If people really have to look down on you to make themselves feel better about who they are who can say anything but it's a sad state of affairs. I am 30, I don't know if I would have been one of the crowd I speak of if I had not been through what I have been through in my 20's, as I'm sure most will agree having an alcohol problem is an extremely humbling experience. Honestly who knows - without having been through all I have been through I have no idea who I would be right now.
Loss of control is something I now cannot stand - I said in my last post that I became a social drinker successfully and hated it. The whole teetering around the edge of the volcano. Not that I really ever thought I would fall in - all though I did once - but the whole concept of drinking because it is the social norm even though it was very bad for ME is mostly what I couldn't handle.
Back to the matter at hand. I say these people in question have this specific idea (above) about who I am. Sure at heart what they perceive probably is who I am but I hide a lot, lets just say hitting 30 was a huge thing for me and stirred up a very potent emotional stew. Ask anyone (well most people) and they will tell you that to find who you really are is a tough thing to do. Ask me and I will tell you that escaping from yourself and from your life through alcohol (for most of us) or your means of choice makes it that much tougher. Firstly to find your way back to your shattered self, I found that by hitting what I consider my rock bottom, then transforming that shattered person into who you truly are. That's tough and I doubt I'll get any arguments from anyone on that one. I think most people on these forums if they couldn't exactly relate would at the very least understand.
I feel like I am finding myself now - and over the past months - for the first time in a long time. I owe that in part to getting back to learning, study, university etc - the content I actually see matters now and more than anything else I feel better about myself when I have been studying / learning. In my last post I said that the last time I drank was the 30th of May but before that was weeks and honestly I had stopped counting because of the whole "social drinker" thing. How much easier would it be for us all if alcohol was illegal. It's seems crazy to me that a drug is so readily available and legal that causes arguably more violence than any other drug, it's fair share of OD's, and has a hand in hand association with many violent crimes (most?) - I don't have stats in front of me. Even the whole beer currancy concept that tooheys new launched, this many cartons for "helping your mate move", this many cartons for "hooking up your best friend", this many cartons for "consoling your best friend when the relationship fell apart" etc.
Again I am straying off point but it's leading up to here. People think that drinking is cool, social, sophisticated, relaxing, harmless etc etc in moderation. That's what makes everything ok isn't it, those two words "in moderation". Not that I condone either but I doubt one toke on a majijuana cigarette is any more harmfull than a drink, it's probably less harmfull. What about starting to sell cocaine legally "use strictly in moderation". I mean where does it stop. Now at a party, with people from say 18 - 35 with a hundred or more poeple there, who actually sticks to the safe guide lines for drinking. What is it? No more than four standard drinks a day for a male with at least two alcohol free days a week? Standard drinks. Not full strength stubbies. How many people walk into a party and have 2.5 heavy beers over the course of a night and leave it at that. It may happen but if it does it happens very infrequently.
This is the issue. I know everyone is going to be smashed / blind / use whatever word you like drunk. Wake up the next morning and think hell yeah awesome party. Me? If I got smashed / blind / use whatever word you like drunk I'd wake up the next morning and feel like my world was falling apart. For days. I just don't like being in that sort of environment anymore for any reason.
So I have a number of options. I have an exam coming up on Thursday that I need / want to study for so I have that excuse but naturally it will be rebutted. I could make something up but I don't want to, I am just over doing that plus why should I have to. I could stay in the house and participate as a sober person but I would not enjoy that. Not because I am not drinking but because I would be surrounded by people I could not relate to and I'd get asked to drink 100 times. I could stay in the house and attempt to study but who the hell am I kidding, so I am going to remove myself from the situation. I am simply going to say that this study is not a game (it's not) and I have realised I have much more to do than I thought (I most probably do) and leave the house for a while a day or two. Go see my parents and my dogs etc - catch up. Seeing my dogs always makes me happy no matter where I am in life.
So I am not going to forget how serious Alcohol is in my life. I find that just because I am not faced with anything right now, no consequence of an action taken while under the influence I find myself more lax. Remembering those times where you WERE faced with CONSEQUENCES of actions carried out while under the influence and how deathly serious it can be is winning.
Well it's winning for me anyway.
Legitimately is in inverted commas because the people surrounding me right now have no idea of my past, no idea that I have been to rehab, and no idea that I had a serious alcohol problem. They believe the reason I do not have my license right now is because I was speeding. I lied to them justifying it to myself as being none of their business.
Again "legitametely" is used because there is going to be a party where I am living. They are expecting over 100 people, this party was not initiated by me but I am more than expected to take part in it. Being the relaxed, cool, jumping, jiving person that these people believe I am.
I am sitting here thinking of how the hell I am going to get myself away from this party a whole 14 hours before it starts, at 6 in the morning no less. The pressure on me to drink is going to be intense and this, naturally, is one of the pitfalls of not wanting to reveal your past to new people and my fault, I realise this. These are not people who would push me to drink if they knew about my past but they are people who would think they were better than me if they were aware of my past and I am not the kind of person who can deal with that. I will not start a 100m race 10m behind the rest of the runners and if they knew I feel like I'd have to do that every time it came to anything. Devalued. It's not just these people, I think it's people in general. Obvoiusly people on mwo forums sympathise if not empathise but the general public in my experience do not.
I don't want to go off on too much of a tangent here but in ways it's a sad world we live in. If people really have to look down on you to make themselves feel better about who they are who can say anything but it's a sad state of affairs. I am 30, I don't know if I would have been one of the crowd I speak of if I had not been through what I have been through in my 20's, as I'm sure most will agree having an alcohol problem is an extremely humbling experience. Honestly who knows - without having been through all I have been through I have no idea who I would be right now.
Loss of control is something I now cannot stand - I said in my last post that I became a social drinker successfully and hated it. The whole teetering around the edge of the volcano. Not that I really ever thought I would fall in - all though I did once - but the whole concept of drinking because it is the social norm even though it was very bad for ME is mostly what I couldn't handle.
Back to the matter at hand. I say these people in question have this specific idea (above) about who I am. Sure at heart what they perceive probably is who I am but I hide a lot, lets just say hitting 30 was a huge thing for me and stirred up a very potent emotional stew. Ask anyone (well most people) and they will tell you that to find who you really are is a tough thing to do. Ask me and I will tell you that escaping from yourself and from your life through alcohol (for most of us) or your means of choice makes it that much tougher. Firstly to find your way back to your shattered self, I found that by hitting what I consider my rock bottom, then transforming that shattered person into who you truly are. That's tough and I doubt I'll get any arguments from anyone on that one. I think most people on these forums if they couldn't exactly relate would at the very least understand.
I feel like I am finding myself now - and over the past months - for the first time in a long time. I owe that in part to getting back to learning, study, university etc - the content I actually see matters now and more than anything else I feel better about myself when I have been studying / learning. In my last post I said that the last time I drank was the 30th of May but before that was weeks and honestly I had stopped counting because of the whole "social drinker" thing. How much easier would it be for us all if alcohol was illegal. It's seems crazy to me that a drug is so readily available and legal that causes arguably more violence than any other drug, it's fair share of OD's, and has a hand in hand association with many violent crimes (most?) - I don't have stats in front of me. Even the whole beer currancy concept that tooheys new launched, this many cartons for "helping your mate move", this many cartons for "hooking up your best friend", this many cartons for "consoling your best friend when the relationship fell apart" etc.
Again I am straying off point but it's leading up to here. People think that drinking is cool, social, sophisticated, relaxing, harmless etc etc in moderation. That's what makes everything ok isn't it, those two words "in moderation". Not that I condone either but I doubt one toke on a majijuana cigarette is any more harmfull than a drink, it's probably less harmfull. What about starting to sell cocaine legally "use strictly in moderation". I mean where does it stop. Now at a party, with people from say 18 - 35 with a hundred or more poeple there, who actually sticks to the safe guide lines for drinking. What is it? No more than four standard drinks a day for a male with at least two alcohol free days a week? Standard drinks. Not full strength stubbies. How many people walk into a party and have 2.5 heavy beers over the course of a night and leave it at that. It may happen but if it does it happens very infrequently.
This is the issue. I know everyone is going to be smashed / blind / use whatever word you like drunk. Wake up the next morning and think hell yeah awesome party. Me? If I got smashed / blind / use whatever word you like drunk I'd wake up the next morning and feel like my world was falling apart. For days. I just don't like being in that sort of environment anymore for any reason.
So I have a number of options. I have an exam coming up on Thursday that I need / want to study for so I have that excuse but naturally it will be rebutted. I could make something up but I don't want to, I am just over doing that plus why should I have to. I could stay in the house and participate as a sober person but I would not enjoy that. Not because I am not drinking but because I would be surrounded by people I could not relate to and I'd get asked to drink 100 times. I could stay in the house and attempt to study but who the hell am I kidding, so I am going to remove myself from the situation. I am simply going to say that this study is not a game (it's not) and I have realised I have much more to do than I thought (I most probably do) and leave the house for a while a day or two. Go see my parents and my dogs etc - catch up. Seeing my dogs always makes me happy no matter where I am in life.
So I am not going to forget how serious Alcohol is in my life. I find that just because I am not faced with anything right now, no consequence of an action taken while under the influence I find myself more lax. Remembering those times where you WERE faced with CONSEQUENCES of actions carried out while under the influence and how deathly serious it can be is winning.
Well it's winning for me anyway.
awprint: RUBY Imagine yourself doing What you love and loving What you do, Being happy From the inside Out, experiencing your Dreams wide awake, 
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