To find yourself...

[dizilizid]

While i was drinkin, i believed i was amazing. I believed i could sing better, walk better, talk better. I believed i could do anything. It was true, i could do anything, but they weren't better. I did all sorts of crazy shit, but normal everyday life i struggled with. Now, i've realised i wasn't cooler when i was PISSED. I was just an annoyin asshole who did stupid things, couldn't sing in key, couldn't talk properly. It's funny how we believe we're not drunk, even when we are unable to talk properly. Now i'm tryin to figure out who i am, and it's hard, because for the last 16 years i've believed i was what the alcohol gave me. I believed i couldn't do things without havin a couple drinks. Always an excuse, never a reason. Anyway, i'm still learnin about myself, and sometimes it's scary cause i have to face myself and be honest. Not very easy, but important nonetheless. So i put a question out to you all. Have you found out who you really are, what you really enjoy, what you really don't enjoy. What kinda morals you hav, what your dreams and your fears are. Lets all try today, to look ourselves in the eye and ask ourselves, who am i? As eddie vedder puts in, "i know i was born and i know that i'll die... The inbetween is mine. I am mine.

[Chillgirl]

To find yourself...

Diz - I love your post!

I went through this too, suddenly AL who was my security blanket was gone and I felt so exposed and vunerable. Having drank all my adult life I had never had to deal with life sober, when something went wrong I got drunk, when there was something to celebrate I got drunk... Now everything was different.

I thought that glass in my hand made me confident, made me funny and interesting, how would I interact with people without it?

It has been a phenomenal journey for me of getting to know this person I have lived with all my life but never actually had an honest converstaion with. 1st thing I discovered was that actually I wasnt stupid, i had a brain in there and I could hold a conversation without a drink and even talk some sense! I also discovered all the lies I had been telling myself and this had its difficult moments but now to live in truth is so enriching its the only place i ever want to live. I see others in a different light now too and Im a far more understanding and compassionate person without seeing the world through drunken eyes.

You talk of fears, dreams and morals... Stepping out from under that security blanket has given me more courage than I ever thought I had and I fear far less than ever before. My dreams are much clearer and pretty simple as most things are AF. I can now live by the morals which I always had but struggled to follow when drinking.

That girl that was in there all this time isnt so bad and Im learning new things about her every day.......

[spuddleduck]

To find yourself...

dizi and chill, fantastic. ive also been going through this a lot. finding myself, challanging myself without AL. ME is still in there and in a way stronger and better for having been in the dark hole with AL. i thought AL made me confident, in fact it took my confidence away, making me believe i couldnt do anything without the dutch courage. im starting to do things that had long been put aside for the booze. being creative, gardening, exercising. just LIVING and its fantastic. ive had 2 trips recently back into the dark AL place, its not a nice place to be... warped thinking... i dont want to go there again. with a session on the booze i would go through thinking i was the best person in the world to hating myself, feeling worthless and useless and wanting to die. NOT FUN. this is a great thread and i look forward to seeing where people are at on this discovery road

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

To find yourself...

Nice post Dizi and rings so true for many of us I imagine. That is why getting sober is considered a journey I suppose and I know it is not all about stopping drinking.

[hippie37]

To find yourself...

I think the collective insanity of the human race is being well played out in front of our very eyes with the bombardment of "this and that" through the media. We seem to be a race driven by fear created by our lack of awareness to the reality of our own humanity.

When people actually wake up to their own insanity and accept it as a part of their being, then maybe things will start to change for the better. I think though if you're not willing to accept this, you're closing yourself off to finding out who you really are as a person/human being. We all have these defects of character. No one is exempt. So why do we shy away from accepting them? I guess because we don't want people to believe we are somehow flawed and imperfect. I'll quite happily tell you I'm still insecure, lacking in confidence and self worth, self pitying, judgmental, grandiose, lustful, angry, fearful, manipulative, self seeking, self centered, materialistic, lazy etc. This just proves to me that I'm human at the end of the day like everybody else.

Once I started to accept these things I started to see myself very differently from the man I had tried to portray to the rest of the world. The man I did try to portray was very superficial in every way, right down to the plastic smile. I wold be ANYONE you wanted me to be. At least I know WHAT my defects are today and I can do something about them and change. I'm always evolving and always autonomous. I'm open to new ideas and new ways of thinking. You have to be in order to grow. I had to change my way of thinking about drink and drugs in order to enter sobriety after all. So why should it be any different whilst in sobriety. If old habits and ways of thinking are not serving me then it would seem pointless to hang on to them would it not? What works for me know may not necessarily be something that will work for me in 5 years time. The more I think I know who I am, the less chance I have of growth. To quote Matisyahu "If your cup's already full, then it's bound to overflow.

So for me getting to know myself was not about looking specifically at all the qualities I had. Quite the opposite, it was accepting my faults and defects that enabled me to see the real qualities I have beyond the superficial level.

I've realised it's okay to be shy and sensitive today without fear of that being judged as a part of my 'masculine' identity. Like KTAB mentions life is a big journey of self discovery and it's the journey not the destination that's important. The problem with us 'alkies' is that we can be our own worst critics at times and we suddenly want the ride to end because we feel vulnerable or we feel pain. That's all part of the process I'm afraid of becoming 'whole'.

Who am I? I'll let you know if I ever find me. Don't count on it though!!

Many Blessings
Love and Light
Phil