Suicide

[roamer723]

Went to the doc for a wellness checkup a while ago. Full questionnaire that included mental and physical questions, was through work and free, so I figured what the heck I?ll try it out. This is in addition to my normal doctor visits. A couple of questions dealt with depression and the like, and I tried to answer truthfully, so of course my answers popped some flags.

In the course of talking with the Physician Assistant (PA), she asked me, ?well, have you ever thought of killing yourself?, to which I responded yes, I think about it frequently. Of course she didn?t like that answer. Then the follow up was ?well, have you thought about how you?d do it?? To which I replied ?well no, I guess not?. Well, that was a good thing to her. b/c apparently if you?ve taken it far enough to think about the how, then that?s one step closer right?

So we wrapped up and went on our ways, but then it hit me: I lied to her without even realizing it. I know exactly how I?ll kill myself if and when I decide to. I?ll go all Nicky Cage in ?Leaving Las Vegas? and drink myself to death. I mean, that?s what I?m doing anyway right? Just prolonging it over a period of years, whether it?s the next 20, or whether it?s the next month. Maybe I?ll disappear up to a mountain cabin somewhere with a great view and some great trail nearby, and drink and bike till I die. Either choking on my own vomit in the kitchen one night, or falling off the side of a mountain trail drunk. I mean, we?re all dying since the day we?re born anyway, so what?s the point? Lisa Leob much?

BUT THAT WOULD CONCEIVABLY BE THE MOST SELFISH THING I?VE EVER DONE.

And that?s why I won?t do it. As long as people depend on me. My wife would be without a husband. My kids would be without a father. My parents would be without their only son. I pride myself on being dependable. Even if I hate a thing, if someone I care about is depending on me for that thing I won?t do anything to jeopardize it.

I say that, and I mean it. But everyone has their limits. There are no absolutes besides death, taxes, and a drunk wanting another drink.

I have no plans to kill myself, but if I ever do, I do know how I?ll do it.

Suicide ? Sobriety is Wasted on the Sober

[Chillgirl]

Suicide

Great post Roamer

[hart]

Suicide

Did the PA try to contract with you Roamer? Because anytime someone expresses thoughts of suicide that is what they should do. By the way, will you contract with someone close that if you do start feeling suicidal you will call them? Having worked on a Crisis Line for over 3 years I don't take those things lightly. Contract with someone you will feel accountable for.

[johnnyh]

Suicide

Wow Roamer. That's quite a post.

Hey, I've played the same thoughts in my mind several months ago. Same thinking exactly. I have wife and kids so won't do it but otherwise what would be so bad about it. The end of my trouble.

Well I'm glad I've found back to God again which gave me the answer for myself. Because what happens if my wife and kids are gone?! My wife leaves me and my kids move out one day? I have no other reason to live and off myself?

Anyways... who, who has trouble has never asked himself, wouldn't it all be better if I was gone now? That's one of the very reasons many of us drink/drank. So we don't have to deal with stuff and can pretend it away instead.

But good point - We're all drinking ourselves to death if we don't stop the bug now. It's a slow suicide (and sometimes faster that we think) anyways.

[AMELIA]

Suicide

Your post is really interesting Roamer.
I have thought about suicide many times. But not because I want to die. Because I want my drinking hell to end. I get so upset with the length of time it has been in my life. I get upset because I don't know if I will ever get sober and have it last.
I neglect so many other things because of it. Relationships, finances, my career etc etc.
It is the feeling of being in a hopeless 'Ground Hog day' that turns my thoughts to suicide.
HOWEVER,
I like you, have never really thought about how I would do it....(apart from the fact that drinking like I do will do it eventually as you say). AND, I don't think I could do that to the people I love and love me.
Good post.

[wannachange]

Suicide

It's not easy to drink yourself to death, usually takes a week and you have to sleep in your own vomit and waste during this time, after a few days your liver would collapse and you will get help because the pain would be so horrifying you will have to call someone of which after that your stomach will be pumped to salvage whatever they can but you will die in five days due to liver failure and kidney failure and live the next 5 days with regret while your family comes to visit you while they slowly watch you die painfully.

I would seriously reconsider, living seems like a good option - don't you think?

[roamer723]

Suicide

wannachange;881075 wrote: It's not easy to drink yourself to death, usually takes a week and you have to sleep in your own vomit and waste during this time, after a few days your liver would collapse and you will get help because the pain would be so horrifying you will have to call someone of which after that your stomach will be pumped to salvage whatever they can but you will die in five days due to liver failure and kidney failure and live the next 5 days with regret while your family comes to visit you while they slowly watch you die painfully.

I would seriously reconsider, living seems like a good option - don't you think?

let me re-state, I am not suicidal.

however, unfortunately, to my addled brain, the great info you've shared, all it makes me do is change strategy. Ok, so it'd be too painful and take too long, well then I'll just go on a bender and fall down the side of the mountain then.

granted this is all just a big "what if", but when you (I) get into that funk and start thinking about it, there's any number of scenarios that play out in my head. thankfully, they're all just as unrealistic as the next b/c I always get to the point of "well, what about my family". That's when the realism sets in, but how fubar is it that's it's actually a fantasy sometimes? "if I was going to do it, I'd do it this way, or this way, or...."

reconsidering - yes, I think a good option.

[wannachange]

Suicide

You are right, am sorry its been a tough week here and threads like these may upset people, I have learned it is not the way out, others have learned it is not the way out, I have read your post incorrectly, my information would not be 100% accurate either but it would be along those lines and the point of this thread completely went over my head - we are killing ourselves slowly anyhow, I believe is your point which is a very good point and I apologies for my rather blunt response.

[roamer723]

Suicide

oh none needed, fuhgettaboudit.

you made a really good point actually. but to the drunk (me) that's so good at rationalizing, all it made me want to do was change strategy tho. which I spose would still not be good enough. I'd fall down the mountain into some ravine with broken legs and never be found, be in pain for days (and sober) until I finally starved to death or something ate me.

not a good way out that way either. kind of like the WOPR in War Games, "strange game, the only winning move is not to play, how about a nice game of chess?"

[rubywillow]

Suicide

Roam, I've had suicides very close to me, too many lately. I have both spiritual and emotional difficulties with it. In Hamlet there's a line (excuse the mistakes, please) 'Would that God had not set his hand against self destruction'. And while I was AT my mountain cabin recently, where I hosted my last visitor who came home and did complete the ultimate act, I thought a lot about it. I told her, after her first try, it was the act of a coward, and it condemned our loved ones to a life of questions, guilt, and sorrow. She knew that, and even repeated it to me. Yes, AL is a slow suicide. I just got off the phone with a friend who's SIL is dying from it. We may be gone, off the side of the mountain for a few moments, but we don't know where we're going ultimately. Our families are condemned for their lifetimes.
Having a parent who commits suicide makes the chances of their children multipy exponitially. I've THOUGHT about it, but in all honesty, it's the aftermath that sweeps it out of my head. As long as there is another day, I'll fight for it, love it, bask in it, drinking or not.
For some reason, a TV show recently quoted someone (didn't catch who) who said "The ultimate confession is suicide, and suicide IS a confession". I've been studying that thought since I heard it. People THINK they're releasing themselves, but they're placing a judgement on the people they love. Just lile alcohol. Our loved ones live in fear about what, how, when we will be available to them.
If your thoughts continue, get help. It's truly a matter of life and death.

[roamer723]

Suicide

rubywillow;881116 wrote: People THINK they're releasing themselves, but they're placing a judgement on the people they love.

true dat

[rubywillow]

Suicide

OK, Roam. Remember dat!!

[KateH1]

Suicide

There has been a lot here about suicide lately and I am glad that this conversation is being opened up on this forum. The fact is that most, if not all alcoholics/problem drinkers suffer from some level of depression. Alcohol is a depressent! We also have much documentation that alcohol greatly renders anti-depressent medications ineffective. It is no wonder that alcoholics consider and even attempt suicide. But, suicide is never the answer to any problem. In fact, suidice only creates greater problems for those left behind.

I must admit, that though I feel compassion for those that come on this board and talk of suicide, I am also angry that this happens, especially lately, as it is happening quite often. This really shakes everyone up and leaves the mwo population feeling helpless.

For anyone here that is having suicidal thoughts, I highly recomend that you seek help in the form or a therapist or a suicide helpline. Don't let these thoughts continue to escalate. There is REAL Help available, all you have to do is reach out for it!

Thanks,
Kate

[johnnyh]

Suicide

That's a great post. thanks for that Kate.

[spuddleduck]

Suicide

i used to think about suicide a lot... not in a particularly depressed way, just in a ...if ive had enough this is what i will do. without going into detail my plans always involved being as painless for me and as painless for my loved ones as possible.(not be found by them) i always thought quite clearly and rationally about this as a choice i would perhaps make sometime. in recent years i have ended up in hospital twice after overdosing on insulin in a drunken depressed stupor, upseting both myself and those around me. so much for my rational plan. since being AF and on ADs i have no thoughts about suicide at all, well i maybe still have the plan at the back of my mind. i dont really know what im saying, just a waffle really, but i know what i did in those drunken messes was not something anywhere even in the darkessed reccesses of my mind. just another thought on how alcohol affects our minds in a really bad way.