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Help guys - I'm losing the battle

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    #1

    Help guys - I'm losing the battle

    Hi friends.

    This morning I wake up, severely depressed.

    I hang on by my bare teeth last night and don't feel grateful this morning that I'm AF. Truth is, I was so close to saying that's it last night, I'm going to drink, Had someone given me a drink that minute (and unfortunately this spanned over several hours), I would have given in. Even sadder truth, only reason I didn't, was that it was allready getting late and I couldn't stand the thought that I didn't know where to get enough AL from to make it worth my while. I mean, not going to break my AF sting now spanning over 90 days, for a beer or two, right?!!! I mean give it all up for that?????

    I tried to take it ODAT, remember that it's about rigth now, right there... but that didn't make it any easier??? I woke up this morning, feeling the same way. I was hoping when I got home, I made it, the next morning it would have passed. Sad truth is, I woke up and feel like getting drunk.

    God, How am I going to make it through a whole month of soccer World CUp??!!!!! I knew this was going to be a trigger. but this big?!?!! Everyone is out on the street EVERYWHERE with beer in hand.

    How am I going to do this?? Trying to distract myself, etc. but how if AL is the only thing on my mind right now?!!! I wish my doctor was in today so I can get myself more Antabuse. I don't want to give in, I really, really, really don't. God help me save me from the hell I've come from. I don't want to go back.
    AF since 15th March 2010

    The journey is the goal. As long as you're fighting the good fight and you're not giving up on giving up, you're winning. It's not about how often you get knocked down, it's about how often you get up again. Sobriety the goal for sure. But striving to get to that goal is what it's about. Not getting there. Because the journey never ends. The journey is the goal.
    Tags: None
    #2
    Help guys - I'm losing the battle

    Johnny,

    First of all: bloody well done on holding things together last night.

    Secondly: I'm coming up for 10 months sober soon. Even despite that and taking bac, I felt antsy last night...

    We're just going to have to come up with a better plan than we thought we'd need...
    I'll do whatever it takes
    AF 21/08/2009

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      #3
      Help guys - I'm losing the battle

      Oh Johnny god how I wish I could climb in this screen right now and give you a massive hug, hang in there please don't give in, I really hope you can get that antabuse. Love you lots please stay close everyone will be along soon xxxxxxxxx
      Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.

      Comment

        #4
        Help guys - I'm losing the battle

        Johnny,
        A huge congratulations for not caving last night.

        I've just past the 11th month mark and I was feeling antsy last night. I've got through some of the annual land marks like birthdays, Christmas without a second thought. Then along comes the 4 yearly alcohol fest.

        We all have to plan this to the nth degree.

        J x
        :l
        It could be worse, I could be filing.
        AF since 7/7/2009

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          #5
          Help guys - I'm losing the battle

          Johnnyh firstly you didnt cave in and drink so congratulate yourself on that fact. You did it before and you can do it again. Secondly not everyone is drinking, it just appears that way to you. A bit like when you buy a certain make and colour of car then start seeing more of them. Thirdly you are here talking to us about it instead of drinking then coming back saying I failed. Can you remember back to when you came here first and how your life was then compared to now. All the regrets and self disgust at your behavour. Then night you nearly caved and when you got home your son was ill and needed you. Dont throw all that progress away.
          When you go out today buy some nice soft drinks, crisps, nuts etc and crash in front of the tv tonight and pig out, enjoy the football and dont forget to come back here and talk to us. You are having cravings, thats all they are thoughts and if you let them wash over you they will in a fairly short space of time.
          You dont need AL in your life now f**king everything up and you know it.
          Ethanol is a toxic chemical, why would I drink it?

          Comment

            #6
            Help guys - I'm losing the battle

            Guys I have tears in my eyes now.

            It's especially healing to hear how some of you have struggled last night.

            I've found out there's an AA meeting happening about 5 minutes from me at 3pm this afternoon. I have never gone and have been too afraid. I just really, really feel I need this now.
            Like you said Tipp, I think it's time to come up with a better plan. Seriously, I don't feel like yesterday was just a moment that passsed. I was to to to close to giving in. If this happens for 4 weeks (unless I lock myself up), what is my chances of staying sober, I recon not good.

            I'm so glad right now i'm here. honestly.
            AF since 15th March 2010

            The journey is the goal. As long as you're fighting the good fight and you're not giving up on giving up, you're winning. It's not about how often you get knocked down, it's about how often you get up again. Sobriety the goal for sure. But striving to get to that goal is what it's about. Not getting there. Because the journey never ends. The journey is the goal.

            Comment

              #7
              Help guys - I'm losing the battle

              Can't believe it. I said this was going to be a trigger. But in my arrogance I said it light hearted and thought it wasn't even going to bother me. Shew. very ,very, very wrong thought. I feel like i'm being split in half.
              AF since 15th March 2010

              The journey is the goal. As long as you're fighting the good fight and you're not giving up on giving up, you're winning. It's not about how often you get knocked down, it's about how often you get up again. Sobriety the goal for sure. But striving to get to that goal is what it's about. Not getting there. Because the journey never ends. The journey is the goal.

              Comment

                #8
                Help guys - I'm losing the battle

                Complacency is our biggest enemy...

                But the fecker won't win!!!
                I'll do whatever it takes
                AF 21/08/2009

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                  #9
                  Help guys - I'm losing the battle

                  Yeah. But I wonder how COULD I have prepared myself better. Should I try and avoid the World Cup alltogether? You know what's going on here right now tip. There is no escaping. The whole nation is on fire. I would go to the Fan park today to watch some of the games but I know I just can't. I will not make it. I know.
                  AF since 15th March 2010

                  The journey is the goal. As long as you're fighting the good fight and you're not giving up on giving up, you're winning. It's not about how often you get knocked down, it's about how often you get up again. Sobriety the goal for sure. But striving to get to that goal is what it's about. Not getting there. Because the journey never ends. The journey is the goal.

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Help guys - I'm losing the battle

                    Johnny, you are assuming that the feelings will not pass. Is that the way it is for you, you just keep constantly thinking about AL till you give in? Maybe that meeting is a good idea, you have nothing to lose.
                    Ethanol is a toxic chemical, why would I drink it?

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Help guys - I'm losing the battle

                      Johnny, good plan, you will be with people who are experiencing the same feelings right now with all the party fever in your town, remember minute by minute, hour by hour right now, hold strong till 3.00 and I'm sure you will feel better after that meeting. :l
                      Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Help guys - I'm losing the battle

                        johnnyh;884865 wrote: Yeah. But I wonder how COULD I have prepared myself better. Should I try and avoid the World Cup alltogether? You know what's going on here right now tip. There is no escaping. The whole nation is on fire. I would go to the Fan park today to watch some of the games but I know I just can't. I will not make it. I know.
                        Johnny, just for now, try think short-term and what to do about the immediate feeling. Not the entire month ahead.

                        As KTAB says, maybe that meeting is a good idea?
                        I'll do whatever it takes
                        AF 21/08/2009

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Help guys - I'm losing the battle

                          I don't know Tab. I'm just completly, completly overwhelmed. I havn't felt like that in 3 months. Honestly. I've had some cravings, and stuff for sure. But not like this. I must say i'm allready starting to feel a little more positive about today. The power of being able to speak about things that bother you with others. But yesterday?? Tab, I honestly dont' feel like I beat it yesterday. There was a time yesterday when all I was doing was waiting for someone to pass me a drink. I know why I don't want to go there again Tab. I just don't feel yesterday I had the strenght. That deveil on my right shoulder was so much louder.
                          I am at this point quite sure I will go to that meeting. I just feel I might have avoided the AA becaue I might not have fully accepted that this/my condition is not temporary. And the stigma I felt attached to going to AA, basically 'publicly' (allthough no one has to know or knows) of attending meetings.

                          I think I was foolish. I really need to start throwing everything at this and stop being complacent ast Tipp put it quite correctly.
                          AF since 15th March 2010

                          The journey is the goal. As long as you're fighting the good fight and you're not giving up on giving up, you're winning. It's not about how often you get knocked down, it's about how often you get up again. Sobriety the goal for sure. But striving to get to that goal is what it's about. Not getting there. Because the journey never ends. The journey is the goal.

                          Comment

                            #14
                            Help guys - I'm losing the battle

                            Wow. I feel like I got a weight off my shoulders just posting about this.

                            I really barked at my wife, my mom in law, everyone this morning. I am so, so miserable. not myself.

                            I came on here as reflex, allthough not expecting much of a change in how i'm feeling. But it feels so therapeutic. sharing how I feel. Thank you MWO, Thank you MWO!!!!

                            I need this meeting this afternoon, I really do.
                            AF since 15th March 2010

                            The journey is the goal. As long as you're fighting the good fight and you're not giving up on giving up, you're winning. It's not about how often you get knocked down, it's about how often you get up again. Sobriety the goal for sure. But striving to get to that goal is what it's about. Not getting there. Because the journey never ends. The journey is the goal.

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Help guys - I'm losing the battle

                              It can seem overwhelming if we sit here and say I can never drink again for the whole of my life. The thing is, the future is like the past, there really is no point in worrying about what we cannot change. All we can change it today, right now. We decide not to pick up a drink today, in the next few hours the next two minutes if needs be. Good choice trying AA, you will be with people who are in the same boat. Look I know this probably sounds daft but while you are sitting in that meeting you arent drinking, while you are talking to us you are not drinking. Honestly thats what it takes at times but every time we get past a bad time like this it gets easier and we are better equipped to handle the next one. It does get easier with time, stick here today then go to the meeting then come back here. Keep strong you can get through this, I know you can.
                              Ethanol is a toxic chemical, why would I drink it?

                              Comment

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