I am sitting in the Qantas Club, waiting to fly home after our 9 days on the east coast. It?s been an adventure to say the least, and a huge turning point.
I was really quite anxious about this trip as I had to face a nemesis or two. One being whether I ?need? to drink to be acceptable in a social situation ? and the other ? the ?Giant Drop? at Dreamworld, a 120m drop at 135km/h, a ride that had beaten me five years ago when I chickened out and had to watch my six year old, my nine year old and my husband of four days quite happily do the ride again and again. It had haunted me ever since. Especially as my daughter enjoys telling how mummy chickened out and couldn?t do it and she could!
Although I had quite abit of preparation before coming here by reading many posts from people who have a lot of AF time with lessons learnt the hard way, a lot of encouragement from you telling me I could do it, to be completely honest (for a change as I am learning), I knew I would drink while here.
And I did.
However I am GLAD I did. It has dispelled so many myths I had built up about Alcohol. I had nearly six months of not drinking and missing it every day. I hated the thought of never being able to drink again. I felt like I had something taken away from me and I was sulking. I thought the fact that I wasn?t drinking now was the reason I have been struggling so hard with depression. I thought that as soon as I got that ?lovely? buzz I would feel fantastic and could do anything. I thought that I would be able to hold conversations with strangers and make sense.
What a load of shit those thoughts were. It was NOTHING like that at all. The first night I drank, there was actually no reason to drink as I was in a dreaded social situation however there was so many other distractions that if I tried I could have got away without drinking. I didn?t get drunk although the next day I felt like crap! All those poisons floating around in my body reminding me what I felt like on a daily basis before January this year. I am actually glad I had a hangover ? it was a huge reminder for me.
The next time, I waited for the words to magically appear so I could have a conversation. They didn?t come. There goes that theory. And I could actually dance without being pissed... And I probably didn?t look like the idiot I used to, falling all over the place.
All these things that I thought I ?needed? AL to be able to do just wasn?t true. So much of what I had thought about AL was purely me changing the past to suit myself. I really thought it was a better life, being able to drink. Oh how wrong I was.
Not only did I go on the Giant Drop (sober) with my daughter who is now eleven years old, I went on a Fly Coaster ( a huge swing like thing that you get strapped into, hoisted up 40 metres then pull a cord to swing down a dozen times ?Like a side ways bungee). And I was absolutely petrified waiting in line to go on these rides. However I felt the fear and did it anyway. And I can relate that so much to not drinking. It is frightening removing something from my life that I had for 30 years and learning how to live a different life. But it can be done. Life is so much better without AL. I can see that now. Luckily I didn?t do too much damage proving it to me, but I learnt such a valuable lesson.
(I am going to the doctors when I get home. I am going to sort out this depression I have been denying for so long. )
I will be back soon, however still might need a bit of "me" time.
Take care and I have realllllly missed you all.
XXX
I was really quite anxious about this trip as I had to face a nemesis or two. One being whether I ?need? to drink to be acceptable in a social situation ? and the other ? the ?Giant Drop? at Dreamworld, a 120m drop at 135km/h, a ride that had beaten me five years ago when I chickened out and had to watch my six year old, my nine year old and my husband of four days quite happily do the ride again and again. It had haunted me ever since. Especially as my daughter enjoys telling how mummy chickened out and couldn?t do it and she could!
Although I had quite abit of preparation before coming here by reading many posts from people who have a lot of AF time with lessons learnt the hard way, a lot of encouragement from you telling me I could do it, to be completely honest (for a change as I am learning), I knew I would drink while here.
And I did.
However I am GLAD I did. It has dispelled so many myths I had built up about Alcohol. I had nearly six months of not drinking and missing it every day. I hated the thought of never being able to drink again. I felt like I had something taken away from me and I was sulking. I thought the fact that I wasn?t drinking now was the reason I have been struggling so hard with depression. I thought that as soon as I got that ?lovely? buzz I would feel fantastic and could do anything. I thought that I would be able to hold conversations with strangers and make sense.
What a load of shit those thoughts were. It was NOTHING like that at all. The first night I drank, there was actually no reason to drink as I was in a dreaded social situation however there was so many other distractions that if I tried I could have got away without drinking. I didn?t get drunk although the next day I felt like crap! All those poisons floating around in my body reminding me what I felt like on a daily basis before January this year. I am actually glad I had a hangover ? it was a huge reminder for me.
The next time, I waited for the words to magically appear so I could have a conversation. They didn?t come. There goes that theory. And I could actually dance without being pissed... And I probably didn?t look like the idiot I used to, falling all over the place.
All these things that I thought I ?needed? AL to be able to do just wasn?t true. So much of what I had thought about AL was purely me changing the past to suit myself. I really thought it was a better life, being able to drink. Oh how wrong I was.
Not only did I go on the Giant Drop (sober) with my daughter who is now eleven years old, I went on a Fly Coaster ( a huge swing like thing that you get strapped into, hoisted up 40 metres then pull a cord to swing down a dozen times ?Like a side ways bungee). And I was absolutely petrified waiting in line to go on these rides. However I felt the fear and did it anyway. And I can relate that so much to not drinking. It is frightening removing something from my life that I had for 30 years and learning how to live a different life. But it can be done. Life is so much better without AL. I can see that now. Luckily I didn?t do too much damage proving it to me, but I learnt such a valuable lesson.
(I am going to the doctors when I get home. I am going to sort out this depression I have been denying for so long. )
I will be back soon, however still might need a bit of "me" time.
Take care and I have realllllly missed you all.
XXX
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