Not such a positive note.
Today has ended badly. I know the reasons why and I seen it coming but it's still here and I'm in a shit mood. Sober I might friggin add but only just. Had a gig last night with an Impro troop that I've been rehearsing with and although the feedback was good I didn't feel too positive about it.
Why; Heat, Noise of traffic due to open windows and my mind being distracted by a woman. She's bloody lovely, nice looking, talented, funny and put frankly I like her. When I sit next to her it feels good, and I think she may feel the same way. In fact at our final preparations she kissed me in a scene and it put me in a tailspin! I also got positive signs from her last night at the show and we get on well. All in all for anyone who is not in the early stages of recovery it would be a win win situation. Unfortunately I have to move as though I'm walking through a bloody minefield. I could very well ask her out, she may say yes, we may get on and we may start seeing each other. However I know that relationships are a hiding place for me. I know it more than ever since I gave up the drink and I know that I am too vulnerable to get involved with anyone at the moment. I like her too much just to shag her and the sober me does not like playing that way any how, I am more sensitive than I ever let on when I was drinking and in truth I know I would be happy to fall for this girl so as far as I can see it at the moment the only choice I have is to walk away. I could send an email explaining the intricacies of my reluctance to make a move but frankly I am too scared. AL would have been my final hiding place in this sort of situation. I know I need to stay single cause it's only 10 or 11 weeks since my last relationship ended and I need to heal from that, so in the past I would go and have a few drinks and that would be that. I would get over her easily enough (or so I'd think).
Bottom line is I'm pissed off with it. I was at an AA meeting tonight and I felt like sharing and I knew the time was running out and I felt myself getting angry 'fucking hurry up' I was thinking. I did share but not about this, I realise now that I should have. I walked past a couple of pubs on the way home and all I could do was think about a drink. A woman in the meeting said 'I loved the taste of AL, I was a real ale drinker' she said it in an honest and constructive way but all I could think was 'me too love, I fucking love it, and I would love a cool one right now!'. Walking past the pub on the way home I felt my Alcoholism more than ever.
In short I am feeling it and 'it' is frustration, anger a sense of self pity and sadness at the fact that I know I am not in a place where I can make a move on this girl. I know there will be some of you thinking 'be honest' let her know the situation, and the less angry me (hence the Avatar switch) would no doubt agree, but I don't feel like being reasonable at the moment, I feel like being pissed off!
Still fucking sober!!!
Today has ended badly. I know the reasons why and I seen it coming but it's still here and I'm in a shit mood. Sober I might friggin add but only just. Had a gig last night with an Impro troop that I've been rehearsing with and although the feedback was good I didn't feel too positive about it.
Why; Heat, Noise of traffic due to open windows and my mind being distracted by a woman. She's bloody lovely, nice looking, talented, funny and put frankly I like her. When I sit next to her it feels good, and I think she may feel the same way. In fact at our final preparations she kissed me in a scene and it put me in a tailspin! I also got positive signs from her last night at the show and we get on well. All in all for anyone who is not in the early stages of recovery it would be a win win situation. Unfortunately I have to move as though I'm walking through a bloody minefield. I could very well ask her out, she may say yes, we may get on and we may start seeing each other. However I know that relationships are a hiding place for me. I know it more than ever since I gave up the drink and I know that I am too vulnerable to get involved with anyone at the moment. I like her too much just to shag her and the sober me does not like playing that way any how, I am more sensitive than I ever let on when I was drinking and in truth I know I would be happy to fall for this girl so as far as I can see it at the moment the only choice I have is to walk away. I could send an email explaining the intricacies of my reluctance to make a move but frankly I am too scared. AL would have been my final hiding place in this sort of situation. I know I need to stay single cause it's only 10 or 11 weeks since my last relationship ended and I need to heal from that, so in the past I would go and have a few drinks and that would be that. I would get over her easily enough (or so I'd think).
Bottom line is I'm pissed off with it. I was at an AA meeting tonight and I felt like sharing and I knew the time was running out and I felt myself getting angry 'fucking hurry up' I was thinking. I did share but not about this, I realise now that I should have. I walked past a couple of pubs on the way home and all I could do was think about a drink. A woman in the meeting said 'I loved the taste of AL, I was a real ale drinker' she said it in an honest and constructive way but all I could think was 'me too love, I fucking love it, and I would love a cool one right now!'. Walking past the pub on the way home I felt my Alcoholism more than ever.
In short I am feeling it and 'it' is frustration, anger a sense of self pity and sadness at the fact that I know I am not in a place where I can make a move on this girl. I know there will be some of you thinking 'be honest' let her know the situation, and the less angry me (hence the Avatar switch) would no doubt agree, but I don't feel like being reasonable at the moment, I feel like being pissed off!
Still fucking sober!!!
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