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[donewithit]

this forum was so helpful to me when I fell to pieces almost a year ago (time flies!)

coles note version..drank alot..hid it...ran up a credit card to max thinking hubby would not find out...all on wine. Almost lost my husband. Stayed at a friends for a few weeks until my husband finally admitted he didn't want to end things. We went to counselling. I went to AA. He now says the reason he went over the top and decided he wanted me out was that he was shocked at how blind he had been. He thought i was pretty much a fantastic wife, who some nights had a little too much wine. He didn't know about the extra wine hidden everywhere..so assumed the one bottle on the counter was it for the night or two..no idea that i rarely drank from it. It was there for show. To LOOK like I was just casually enjoying one or two. Didn't know that I was in a bar most afternoons with my friend having at least three before heading home to start dinner.

anyway. it was tough going. I had to accept that he did not trust me. I had to accept that he was afraid to open his heart all the way. I basically had to be transparent and hope that he would find his way back to me. The things alcohol destroys is UNREAL

But. I can honestly say he is at full trust levels with me, and we are closer than we have ever been. He took me away in Feb to Punta Cana , and for the first time at an All inclusive holiday I DID NOT DRINK. Then he took me back in March. I wanted to see if I could be "normal" and have a few drinks. He said that it was up to me..but he would not like to see me have wine. I had several margaritas (maybe 5 or so over 7 days)

Came home from holidays and had to battle the urge to go for a couple glasses of wine for a few weeks. But I DID IT! I was able to have a few drinks on holiday like a "normal" person and return to my sober reality.

This September we are going back to Punta Cana for TWO weeks. The second week friends are joining us, so we have made a plan. NO ALCOHOL for the first week. The second week I am going to attempt WINE (EEK) But only one glass each night with dinner, and maybe a mix drink or two during the day. We have always enjoyed partying it up a bit on holiday, and honestly both of us have missed it on our last two trips. HOWEVER we have a safe "sentence" If hubby tells me that we should watch a movie later on in our room, It means that he feels I am passing social into dangerous territory and I have agreed to switch to soda and lime right away..no arguments or tantrums.

I know that going on a holiday is a treat, and most non alcoholics can drink on vaca and come home and not think about it anymore..not crave. I am hoping that I can get to that point.

On the up side. I have not drank at home, not at a function, restaurant , anything.

My marriage feels right again. I have become healthier without 2 or more bottles of wine daily (lost 30 lbs!!) and am enjoying my life more than I ever did when I was intoxicated. How I ever thought that was "normal" is beyond me.

I guess I just wanted to let everyone know that things DO get better. Should I have alcohol on holidays? Will it always leave me craving more? I don't know...but I do know that I have found will power to walk away from situations where I am tempted, and I know that if I fail at this, I will drive my husband away again (and believe me ..he is alot more attentive to what is going on now than he was..no hiding it again for sure!)



I wish everyone luck. Whether you choose to totally abstain for life, or learn to moderate..there IS LIFE after we pull ourselves up!!

Cheers All.
Lynn

and again :thanks:

[spuddleduck]

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thanks for posting. its always good to hear success stories and thats what yours is. well done and keep it up

[techie]

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Thanks Lynn. happy you're doing well!

[rubywillow]

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Done, I remember when you were having so much trouble. It's WONDERFUL to hear how much control you have now. I'm totally jealous of the trips!!

[donewithit]

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Hi Ruby!!

Please dont misunderstand...I am NOT in control. Not really. Don t think I ever will be..but that is ok. I am heavily relying on my husband to be my rock. He has told me that as long as I am honest with him he will always be here to help me. I do not drink here at home or anywhere other than on holiday in Dominican Republic. BUT I know that if I slip someday and have a drink or two at home, as long as I tell Greg about it..and work to make sure it does not become a pattern, well, my marriage will survive. I choose not to drink at home because it is too easy to fall back into a pattern. I choose to have a few on holidays because I enjoy it...and I can leave it all behind when I return to reality here at home.

I do have the occassional day where I pass by one of my old bar stops, and I get the urge. But I keep going. My marriage and my sanity are more important to me than the drink or two . But honestly some days I feel stressed with the pull of alcohol. However I think that is part of what is keeping me sober. I KNOW that it is not the last drink of a day that gets me drunk..it is the FIRST. I do not ever want to be that person again.

When Greg sent me to my friends for a bit..I was a mess. I am ashamed to say that alcohol had even taken precedence over my hygiene. My hair was matted and gross. Always up in a bun cause it was too tangled and I was always too drunk to care. Wow. He must have really been disqusted lying beside me at night. I hadn't put my makeup on in over a year. My clothes didn't fit right as I had gained weight from the nightly wine binges (usually followed by junk food)

Now I am healthy...back down in weight..my skin has cleared up...i wear makeup daily again. I exercise. I can wear my cute clothes again without looking like a stuffed sausage,,,and my hair is shiny and clean and no tangles!! What a difference getting sober has made to my life.

I wish this for each and everyone who is struggling with this demon. I understand the feeling of hopelessness. A year ago that was ME. I guess I just want everyone who is struggling to know that there IS light at the end of the tunnel . Is it easy to get to that light HELL NO. but....Nothing worth having in this life is easy to obtain.

So. If someone reading this has had a bad day and is feeling like there is no hope. Look in the mirror. That person DESERVES a good life. Tell yourself that tomorrow will be a new day. And believe in yourself.

Remember...to be successful at kicking this addiction (as with everything in life)

Doesn't matter how many times you have fallen of the wagon...
what matters is that you get back on ONE TIME MORE than you have fallen off.

:h

Lynn

[Croft]

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This was a most inspiring post!!!!!

[Doggygirl]

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Done, can I ask you a question? I too have experienced all the good things you mentioned in my AF life. Dramatically improved marital relations, vastly improved physical health, weight and fitness, etc. etc. I would never ever ever jeapardize what I have found to intentionally dance with the devil (mine is AL) ever. Not on vacation, not at a party, not in a bar, not at home.

I'm just curious why you are willing to risk it, considering the odds being very bad that we alkies can ever drink safely again? Aren't you afraid you will end up where you were before?

I wish you the very best whatever you do. I wouldn't wish the darkness that drinking can bring on anyone.

DG

[donewithit]

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honestly doggygirl, I know that I have back up . I know that Greg is watching. I also know that I never want to be that person again.

I believe, through my therapy sessions, I have found that my addiction was caused by my not dealing with alot of issues from the past. I think I have made great strides in understanding my issues and what my triggers are.

If I were down and depressed I know that a drink would lead to more and more..but I also know that this would be a situation to avoid.

I guess for me it is mind over matter...I KNOW that I have to watch myself. I know that if I come home from a holiday and continue drinking..or even if i drink to excess on my holiday, I am setting myself up for a downward spiral.

I am not advocating moderating at all. I believe each of us is different and knows our own strengths and weekness. I know that I have learned over the last year to be stronger, and HONEST with myself and husband. If I feel the urge..I always tell Greg. That right there is enough to snap me back to my senses.

Before when I was on vacation, I would have been at the pool bar by 10am with a glass of wine in my hand..then continue ALL day with a few little naps under an umbrella. Now I drink water most of the day, maybe a drink mid afternoon, somedays not at all..and maybe a margarita with dinner. maybe. So far I have avoided wine. But I am considering trying ONE glass with dinner on holiday..jury is still out on it as I am not sure yet how I feel. I will decide when I am there.

I know that I actually CAN walk away from it right now. My vacation is more about the sun and time with Greg than the booze now...and if feels nice to wake up at 6 am and watch the sunrise...walk on the beach..all those things I could not do before cause i was in bed with a hangover..then hitting the pool bar for hair of the dog..never again will i be like that. I have a great support system between my hubby and my daughter, and I will continue to work hard to never get myself back in the very bad state I was in! :l

but thank you very much for caring enough to bring that up. :thanks:

Lynn