Feeling Fearful

[hippie37]

It's not unusual for me to feel fearful at times. I wouldn't be human if I didn't. The difference today is that I don't allow it to consume me like it did. I've lived most of my life in fear. Fear was also my friend when people got too close to knowing the real me; when they saw through my lies and rationales. It was usually a case of "fight or flight" and in my case normally flight.

Yet over the past few days I've been feeling terrified of giving up smoking. I'm down to the last dregs in my pouch of tobacco at the moment and the thought of not having any is starting to scare me. It completely reminds me of times in the past when I was drinking when I'd run out of beer and I had no more money left to buy any. I remember a time when I had stashed alcohol in the house so my partner wouldn't find it and I could have a 'hair of the dog' in the morning. Yet I got so pissed I didn't stash it very well and my (then) partner found it and hid it. So of course when I went to retrieve my cans in the morning and they weren't there.........YES, you know the feeling don't you!!! I've taken heroin, crack, cocaine, speed, ecstasy, alcohol in my time; amongst many other substances, but alcohol up until now has been the hardest one to battle (although I'm in a place of neutrality rather than in a battle with it today).

Anyway after feeling rather run down these past few weeks I realised that my physical health has never been much of a priority. I've never been a real health nut or enjoyed going to the gym. But I did used to eat healthily, take supplements and get enough exercise that gave me a good mind-set. As I said, recently I've been feeling like shit (physically),to put it bluntly. I realise that I have to take care of mind, body and spirit as they are all interconnected in my opinion. Yet somehow I've deluded myself into thinking that my body will take care of itself if I look after the other two! The reality is, I'm getting lazy and complacent with my health if the truth be known. Sloth is the one deadly sin out the seven that seems to bite me on the ass the most. It'd probably hit in me in the head if it had enough energy to get above my waist!!

So I took steps this week and made a decision to stop smoking as part of those steps. I won't go into detail about the others as they're irrelevant. Yet all those fears I mentioned earlier to do with my drinking are starting to resurface again over the smoking. I DO want to give up smoking and had made a conscious decision some time ago that that's what I want to do. Kind of like putting it out there into the universe and planting the seeds. Well know I'm at the stage of physically watering the seeds and I don't want to put the water in the can!!! Why? Fear.

I'm booked in to see a friend who is a hypnotherapist on Monday morning who is going to help me with some NLP and relaxation techniques. So I'm hoping that Monday is gonna be DAY1 and I'm gonna give it my best shot.

Thanks to 'change' for the inspiration this morning. It was after reading her post that I felt I needed to share this. That's how it works innit!!

Many Blessings
Phil

[Guest]

Feeling Fearful

Brother. I know how you feel. Stop smoking? I couldn't do it. I've done the booze...easy.
But, I am no martyr. I have smoked ever since I was 16. I find it calming.
I do not really believe it is bad for me. I know all the propaganda says it is, however my personal experience says different.
My Great-Grandfather smoked, died at 91 from unrelated causes. My Grandfather smoked (and drank) died at 85 from cirrhosis. My father died young...caught by the Japs at Singapore so doesn't count. His brothers, both smokers and drinkers died at 91 & 94 respectively.
The World's oldest human (Jean Calumet) died at 120...a smoker and a drinker.

Consider carefully young Hipster. We are not in this world to flagellate ourselves or to suffer more than necessary. If you like a smoke, have it, and damn the torpedoes.
Our lives have more than enough stress in them...do not let the wowsers get to you.
Sadly, life is a terminal condition. We are born, we live and we grow...only to discover that once we have learned how to live - we die.
Enjoy the journey Dude, and remember 'a little of what you fancy will do you no harm.'

[Change]

Feeling Fearful

Hey Phil,

It's funny that you mention that anxiety thing with ciggarettes. I used to get that with chocolate, believe it or not!

The mind, body and soul thing is true. Try to exercise, you will notice a marked difference. .

[Change]

Feeling Fearful

Haha, Blue Heeler, i love your attitude!

[one2many]

Feeling Fearful

Hipps,

Today is my day 60 smoke free...I know in my heart, I will never smoke again.

For me, giving up smoking was 100 times worse than giving up booze...no contest.
I have tried and failed a milion times.

When I look back, I realise it was always during times of stress that I caved and went back to the smokes. Nothing else would do whenI was crying, depressed, angry, sad, argumentative...I need to inhale deeply and blow smoke out of my mouth because that would make me calm down.
It is only know I realise how stupid that statement is.....it took me 20 years to come to that conclusion.

I see it for what it is now.....smoking does NOTHING for me..absolutely nothing.....

I used to laugh at people who told me this and called it Alan Carr mumbo jumbo , new age WANK.....smoking does do something for me.I enjoy it, I love it, I need it.

It was slowly killing me, the tightness in my chest, the taste in my mouth, the breathlessness, the risks, the stats, the fucking stupidity of it all.

Not to mention the risk of ending up with a mouth like a cats hole.

So I suppose I had that "click" moment..I just wanted to give up so badly....I hated the fact that I would walk over hot coals for a smoke....would brave a storm to go to the shops to get cigarettes.

Yes I was scared..i was terrified...of what tho??? of failure...of having to say I failed again.....having to tell people I was not strong enough to do this.

I have been thru some bad shit in my life, much worse than giving up smoking and I survived....

So I decided to give it a go...no lets rephrase that..I was not "giving it a go"......I was stopping smoking..for good. Not "giving it up" as there was nothing to give up....nothing good to be deprived of..I was stopping smoking as from NOW! Cold Turkey, I wanted nicotine OUT of my system for EVER...

So my attitude was...I don't smoke.....period..I just don't smoke..

Don't get me wrong, I did have cravings...some big and some not so big....but when the thought came to me..I said to myself "I don't smoke"..I did have that sinking feeling...the one of deprivation...but I held fast.

I started a thread on here called No more butts and got SO much support, it really really helped me.
Also Fallen Angel posted a free online quit smoking course that you may find useful.

Phil, I canot stress this enough..if I can do it ANYONE can, this comes from the girl who has smoked butts from the bin and who has dried wet butts in the microwave to feed my addiction.

Don't be scared about it Phil..embrace it....see it as a wonderful, fantastic thing you are doing for your body and your spirit...

I am OVER THE MOON that i am now a non smoker...it fill me with joy every time I think about it....it is really like being released froma straightjacket.....best feeling in the world.

I rarely think about smokes now..my habits have changed, I do occasionally get a pang of "Oh a smoke would be nice now", I smile to myself and quickly dispel that myth.....a smoke would be utter poison and wank right now....ping and the feeling is gone.

I think it is GREAT that you are doing this Phil and whats more I KNOW you can do it and so do you!



Sooner or later, everyone stops smoking........

[Guest]

Feeling Fearful

Ahh Oney. What can I say? I am the Devils advocate. I must change. If a Gaelic girl tells me it is so, then I will try to believe it.
I know about the wowsers with their shiny faces and empty hearts. They sit eating their lettuce leaves in the sidewalk cafe condemning the smokers while the colourless, odourless and stink-free fumes from the cars swirl around their heads.
I know this: I would rather have a fag in my garage than sit in there for ten minutes with the car engine running.

But, since it is getting late at night here now, and the spirits are rising, even the Costa Bower is ready to take to the sky. I love this time of night, the quiet, the loving peacefullness, with the right woman it is time for closeness and even some quiet truths.
Oney, I will re-think my attitude to smoking because of you.
I can not promise anything. There will be the cold hard light of dawn tomorrow.

[Chillgirl]

Feeling Fearful

Hippie - Im a great believer in NLP, I was lucky enough to spend 3 days last year with Paul McKenna and Richard Bandler who is the co-founder of NLP. I now incorporate it automatically to all aspects of my daily life. I will be very interested to see how you find it, please keep us informed.

[rubywillow]

Feeling Fearful

Hip, it is yet another trial, and struggle, with our addictive personalities. I read recently that tapering down and cold turkey have about the same success rates.
In the US, those who smoke have become pariahs; it's not even allowed in some parks here now. My ex-DIL recently died, quickly, of lung cancer from smoking. He was 60, and a lovely man. Sure we could go out and get hit by a bus tomorrow, but we don't deliberately jump in front of it. I do believe in fate, but also that we can change it.
Whichever way you choose will be the right way, because you have shown us an incredible strength and ability to make a change for the better. I've done all those things oney mentioned, plus taping together the broken ones I found when I was out But I can't afford the cost anymore, at least $40 a week. Rather spend it on something useful, happy, and giving. Don't need another way to shorten my life.

[hippie37]

Feeling Fearful

Change;907777 wrote: Haha, Blue Heeler, i love your attitude!

I have to agree with Change here Blue. It's completely down to the individual and what's more, your beliefs are actually backed up with personal experiences that give you your own convictions about this. So don't let a little poxfecker like oney change your mind on that one!!

I do actually believe in some of the 'propaganda' myself regarding cancer and in particular the money involved. It's big business. Plus I do believe we have a cure for cancer. But because of the impact that would have on that so called business and the fact we are over-populated already on this planet; it is better to keep things the way it is.

Thanks Oney for such a lengthy, detailed and personal post. My reasoning apart from my health is that I do still see smoking as a big part of my addiction that is not being addressed. When I used to hear or read articles that said "Each cigarette you smoke takes 11 minutes off your life" I used to think that meant physically. I guess to the medics that's what they were trying to say!. But to me it DOES take 11 minutes off my life in many instances because I'm totally engaged in smoking for some sort of release from whatever life situation is going on at the time. It's a diversion from life. So if you count through the day how many times I'm actually diverted from life it's quite astonishing really. So apart from the health issue I do have other reasons for wanting to give up. It's a major distraction in my book. I'll even smoke to try and stop feeling hungry so I don't have to go and make myself something to eat. I use smoking for so much more than just getting a fix from the nicotine.

Thanks too for your responses Sheri, Rubes and Chill. I will let you know how it goes Chill. Love you guys

Many Blessings
Phil

[one2many]

Feeling Fearful

Oh Hipps, I did the smoke instead of eating thing.....I would get a pang of hunger and just have a smoke abd the feeling would go away. I have put a much needed 5 pounds on.

Smoking is a diversion from life, you are so right... I wish I could have all the time back that my kids were banging on the glass and I was outside in the garden smoking.....

[Guest]

Feeling Fearful

Good evening Oney. Still reflecting on your advice. The Costa Bower didn't come and get me last night...maybe I have some time left?
Did I tell you that I have been totally smitten with Irish girls almost all my life? Mostly they have dark hair and beautiful voices. And, often they are Catholics to boot. I don't really know why this is but perhaps it is their in-built guilt which puts some verve into them when they are being naughty? Just lately though I have expanded my scope to include blondes (well, one anyhow) especially since she has 'killer' eyes.

[one2many]

Feeling Fearful

Ha ha ha. I am have black hair BH...I am just blonde at the moment.

[Guest]

Feeling Fearful

Goddamm Aeroplane Blondes...you never know what you've got 'til youve sifted through the wreckage.

[one2many]

Feeling Fearful

Blue Heeler;908482 wrote: Goddamm Aeroplane Blondes...you never know what you've got 'til youve sifted through the wreckage.

:H:H:H:H

[Guest]

Feeling Fearful

What time is it over there? Why aren't you in bed? If you were here you would have been in bed hours ago.