I've got the Devil in me today.

[one2many]

I've got the Devil in me today.

Johnny,

You have all of us on here, you are not alone.....and nobody understand more that us lot...use us....

I agree with what the others are saying , try not to worry about the issues you have mentioned above, easy for me to say I know but at the moment the main thing to focus on is your sobriety.

You have already made a step forward in leaving your job because it was making you unhappy,being sober made you see that....

As time goes on, you will be able to address the other issues with clarity and with an unfuddled brain....and things will fall into place. It may not be easy and they may be rocky times ahead but you will DEAL with them instead of sweeping them under the carpet.

You are achieving great things Johnny, it may not seem so but rewind your life back 32 days and look at the difference.

Hang on in there......and hope you have a great session tomorrow.

[Guest]

I've got the Devil in me today.

Maate...you need to come to Australia. Get some good weather under your belt and see how the rest of the world lives. A change is better than a rest mate. I can assure you that this is a free and easy going place. Not only that, but it is an utterly classless society. I know this for sure, I've been here for twenty years and have seen nothing classy in that time.
Moving countries is a damn good idea. It takes up energy and time and doing something is heaps better than sitting on your arse and watching the world go by. You are 35 FFS, pack your bags now.

[Chillgirl]

I've got the Devil in me today.

Blue Heeler;910793 wrote: Maate...you need to come to Australia.

BH - I was lucky enough to visit your wonderful country 12 years ago, as I sat on the plane ready to leave I sobbed my heart out as I just didnt want to leave.... never felt that way about anywhere else

[Guitarista]

I've got the Devil in me today.

Chillgirl;910810 wrote: BH - I was lucky enough to visit your wonderful country 12 years ago, as I sat on the plane ready to leave I sobbed my heart out as I just didnt want to leave.... never felt that way about anywhere else

And you would be welcomed back with open arm's Chilli.

[Guest]

I've got the Devil in me today.

Yeah Chill. I know the feeling. When Quantas plays 'I still call Australia Home,' it brings a tear to my eye. I know this place so well, it's a huge country.
Look at this:

[Chillgirl]

I've got the Devil in me today.

Sheri;910829 wrote:

I have a roof over my head!
I can walk and talk and feel my feelings!
I'm only 35 and have my whole life ahead of me!
I have freedom of choice!
I have 31 days of sobriety!

:yay:

Sheri

Great point Sheri, finding things to be positive about always helps...
I also find that if you can do something for someone else, no matter how small it works wonders. Last year when I was wallowing in self pity, and I mean wallowing! I noticed an ad in the paper looking for volunteers to help with a project, I signed up and immediately all my self pity disappeared..

[Johnny]

I've got the Devil in me today.

Thanks Guys, I think Guitarista said it earlier. I've been ripping myself off for so long. Changes are afoot and in truth I'm frightened. Of what? I honestly can't say, failing perhaps? Maybe even success and where that might take me. Even further away from my comfort zone.

I'm in it to win it now. I have to man up or shut up. That's why I'm here and that's why I'm sober.

Thought I'd share a poem with you by way of gratitude.

I bargained with Life for a penny
And Life would pay no more,
However I begged at evening
When I counted my scanty store;
For Life is a just employer,
He gives you what you ask,
But once you have set the wages,
Why, you must bear the task.
I worked for a menial?s hire,
Only to learn, dismayed,
That any wage I had asked of Life,
Life would have gladly paid
Jessie Belle Rittenhouse (1869?1948)

[one2many]

I've got the Devil in me today.

WOW!!

I LOVE that poem.

Thanks Johnny!

[1967]

I've got the Devil in me today.

hey Johnny... i can totally empathize with your post.
I am 42 and have been single so long that I have trouble even wanting to hang out with anyone these days, male or female. I met a guy and he is into me, but I don?t want to start a new relationship based on sex. I just feel at this stage that is a little shallow? am I out of touch? Do I want to have a relationship with someone I am not attracted to? No, I don?t. The bottom line for me is I have a sincere fear of intimacy. Yikes, I said it. What to do? Jump into the first relationship that presents itself? Or hold out for Mr. Right? I?ve been holding out for the past 5 years? it doesn?t seem to be working out so well.
You know Johnny the right person for you isn?t going to care if she can easily get pregnant or not, you are going to be enough for her.

[Johnny]

I've got the Devil in me today.

1967 true intimacy is a difficult thing to not only find but to give too. It takes effort patience and understanding. I am not very good at it either. I think I need to truly deal with all my demons b4 I can offer up myself so completely. I also want to have some fun along the way, but not just for the sake of it. I'd hate the idea of waking up next to someone who I didn't want to be around. Why do people do that? I suspect a lifetime of monogomous intimacy is perhaps the rarest of things, only to be spotted by those with the capactity, determination and patience to find it.

[Johnny]

I've got the Devil in me today.

1967;910929 wrote:
You know Johnny the right person for you isn?t going to care if she can easily get pregnant or not, you are going to be enough for her.

And thank you for these words 1967. They are very comforting.

[1967]

I've got the Devil in me today.

I mean those words sincerely Johnny. Parenthood is a gift (and an ENORMOUS RESPONSIBILITY) and I really do not think it should be taken lightly or entered into because of social pressures.
When my students ask why I do not have children, I tell them because I didn't pass the test.
We all giggle and they know that couldn't be true.

For me having my own children has never been a priority. I would be amply satisfied (not to mention grateful to have someone to share my life with that doesn't have four legs) with a sincerely dedicated husband. And if a midget showed up, that might be okay.
(I call my pre-school through grade one students midgets as I see them as fully developed humans in small bodies).

I'd hate the idea of waking up next to someone who I didn't want to be around. Why do people do that? I suspect a lifetime of monogomous intimacy is perhaps the rarest of things, only to be spotted by those with the capactity, determination and patience to find it.
__________________

OMG John I ALWAYS do this and I refuse to continue! After it turned out I didn't really know my ex-husband anyhow I gave up trying to really know a man. This has been since 1994. Good grief I deserve to have a true friend in my life, don't you think? And I totally agree it requires a huge commitment to make this happen, a real relationship is hard work. What is most confusing to me is recognizing who to enter into this agreement with? How do you recognize a sincere applicant when I so blatantly mistook the last applicant for someone else?
Everyone can't be bad, right?

Question: Can humans really be monogomous for a lifetime?
Is it really necessary? My ex-husband had another woman and somehow it didn't really bother me so much. Is that weird?

I thought the theory was each person was likely to have three long term relationship? I better get going... I am far behind.

I am trying to make light of a serious conversation, how did I do?

[1967]

I've got the Devil in me today.

I have to add... just to make you laugh... my most recent long terms relationship lasted three years. Outside of 'zee bedchamber' I couldn't STAND him. He is a 30 something attorney (passed his boards in 3 countries on three different continents), VERY smart, confident (with reason) but the guy had positively the worst morals of ANYONE I've ever known! He would come up with the most absurd scenarios! I was his '2nd girlfriend,' and since I had been programmed that all men cheat anyhow, why not just accept it? At one point he even convinced me girlfriend #1 accepted me, UNTIL we met. At which time she recognized me and my role and was completely horrified the poor dear. I was so pissed off as he broke the rule, no lying no matter what. You know what he said? What did you expect?

WHY would I hang out with him for three years? Because I felt he was at least completely honest, I understood him and he never lied. Well, that is until his little slip up as he called it. He was a complete egomaniac freak and rarely hid what was a jerkoff he was AND we are still friends!! I often laughed with his friends about how unbelievably immoral he could be! Thank god he got a new great job 1/2 way around the world or I'd still be with him I am sure. Freedom is liberating isn't it?

The truth will set you free... ah, so true so true!

[Johnny]

I've got the Devil in me today.

As far as making light of a serious conversation is concerned I think you did pretty well and it's no bad thing. I think that real life experience gives a person the right to react towards the subject matter however they want to.

I have had three serious relationships, the last two spanned the last 7 years and I was engaged to them both. Until recently and other than University - which is where I cemented my drinking capabilities - I had never been on my own, and in truth relationships had always been an easy passive choice, the ultimate fix if you will. I am only learning about myself properly now. I am hoping to develop into someone who is clear enough about his boundaries to truly enjoy intimacy, be it on an ongoing or fleeting level.

I think that the purest and most intimate of shared journeys are short lived, the reason being that it requires absolute honesty and openness, a lifetime of which is a big ask right? I think that shared responsibility as opposed to intimacy is a far more useful catalyse for the shared life. This is not necessarily a bad thing if two people can still respect one another's boundaries enough to punctuate their lives with those moments that only they can share. Hard work is definitely the key. I think the truest of loves develop over time. Love at first sight is nice but invariably it's participants spend a great deal of time looking back to what was. It is far more useful to enjoy the now - which is in fact the hard work people speak of regardless of whether or not they are aware of it - and perhaps retain the slightest of anticipations for what may be.

At the risk of making light of what is really a serious subject, I need to get laid!

[1967]

I've got the Devil in me today.

omg... you made me laugh out loud! hahaha!!

yup, getting what you need shouldn't be such hard work, right?! haha!

ugh, but don't get involved at this point as you mentioned you need time reinvent yourself.
the most true love does develop over time, but we still have to make it through those empty times with a little bit of spice, n'est pas?

Good luck in your adventures!!