The thing that upsets me most about my alcoholism is the way it hits me when I least expect it and having to deal with and understand the reasons that this happens, I've said this before I know but I am learning so much about how my insecurities affect my behaviour and my decision making processes.
For the sake of some context, I was walking down the road today when I began to fantasize about the idea of being at a dinner party with some people and I started to think about the wines I used to drink. I should say that retreating into fantasy is somewhere I'm beginning to realise that I hide quite a lot. The next thing I knew it was on me and I was experiencing some pretty strong cravings. I say this with some degree of humility as up until today I had been getting fairly smug about my sobriety.
These negative feelings have hung around under the surface for most of the day and this evening when I said goodbye to a friend after a gig it hit me again really suddenly. I have felt as though I have had such a good week so far but my complacency has let me get blindsided.
I think that I started the week feeling positive for a number of reasons. Firstly, I have recently walked from a job that I hate, then on Monday night I was at a gig that went pretty well, Tuesday night I watched a mate do well and last night I had another good gig.
Today has in effect been a bit of a hangover from the start of the week. Unwittingly I had let the narcissist that is me; fix upon the positive feedback I had received from the people at the gigs as well as the achievement of being sober. I have been smug and vain.
Today, I was faced with the reality that in fact the road ahead is going to be tough. The financial challenges that I have to face are going to be tough, not to mention the emotional ones that present themselves in the wake of the greatest challenge of all which is staying sober. This alone was enough to ‘sober me up’ from the narcissistic high that I had been hiding in but on top of that I did a gig tonight that did not go as well as the others and that was the extra come down. In fact once the first gig had finished I popped along to another one to see if I could get another open spot in an attempt to salvage something from the night, this is an example of the junkie that is me fixing on all he can in order to attain a degree of comfort from negative feelings that I am experiencing.
So, as I have said before on another thread – and which rather aptly fits as a question that can be directed towards myself – what is causing the discomfort? Well the obvious answer would be fear but I think it would be selling the problem short to stop there. Inevitably answers tend to create questions. So what is causing the fear? Well I am massively afraid of rejection, these are fears which I have reflected upon to a great degree before but perhaps not enough in sobriety. As the oldest of four siblings I think that the roots of this anxiety were probably set down from an early age as attention was increasing drawn away from me however from my early teens through to my mid twenties I clashed massively with my mum, to say we argued would not do our ‘fights’ justice. We hated each other and that’s a shit thing for a kid to take.
The reasons for this are two dimensional to the point of this post. The consequences were a fairly lengthy drug abuse habit which drove me to seek comfort in some wickedly dark and emotionally destructive groups, relationships and behaviours thinking I could fight my way through to a sense of peace. In tandem with this my alcoholism was developing, the drug abuse sort of hided this from me but when I stopped taking illegal drugs, I thought I had it nailed. After all I was only a social drinker right? The irony being that the more I drank the more isolated I felt.
My greatest fear now, is whether or not I am going to be able to face up to the insecurities which are forcing me to seek comfort in whatever way I can.
It’s so hard!
I can fix in so many different ways and in order to truly be free from addiction in general I feel I have to watch everything I do. Is it possible? I know that it is considered prudent to try and slay one dragon at a time, but I’m beginning to regard addictive behaviour on the whole as one dragon. Today has been tricky, I am still sober, I hope I am a little less smug and a little more grateful.
For the sake of some context, I was walking down the road today when I began to fantasize about the idea of being at a dinner party with some people and I started to think about the wines I used to drink. I should say that retreating into fantasy is somewhere I'm beginning to realise that I hide quite a lot. The next thing I knew it was on me and I was experiencing some pretty strong cravings. I say this with some degree of humility as up until today I had been getting fairly smug about my sobriety.
These negative feelings have hung around under the surface for most of the day and this evening when I said goodbye to a friend after a gig it hit me again really suddenly. I have felt as though I have had such a good week so far but my complacency has let me get blindsided.
I think that I started the week feeling positive for a number of reasons. Firstly, I have recently walked from a job that I hate, then on Monday night I was at a gig that went pretty well, Tuesday night I watched a mate do well and last night I had another good gig.
Today has in effect been a bit of a hangover from the start of the week. Unwittingly I had let the narcissist that is me; fix upon the positive feedback I had received from the people at the gigs as well as the achievement of being sober. I have been smug and vain.
Today, I was faced with the reality that in fact the road ahead is going to be tough. The financial challenges that I have to face are going to be tough, not to mention the emotional ones that present themselves in the wake of the greatest challenge of all which is staying sober. This alone was enough to ‘sober me up’ from the narcissistic high that I had been hiding in but on top of that I did a gig tonight that did not go as well as the others and that was the extra come down. In fact once the first gig had finished I popped along to another one to see if I could get another open spot in an attempt to salvage something from the night, this is an example of the junkie that is me fixing on all he can in order to attain a degree of comfort from negative feelings that I am experiencing.
So, as I have said before on another thread – and which rather aptly fits as a question that can be directed towards myself – what is causing the discomfort? Well the obvious answer would be fear but I think it would be selling the problem short to stop there. Inevitably answers tend to create questions. So what is causing the fear? Well I am massively afraid of rejection, these are fears which I have reflected upon to a great degree before but perhaps not enough in sobriety. As the oldest of four siblings I think that the roots of this anxiety were probably set down from an early age as attention was increasing drawn away from me however from my early teens through to my mid twenties I clashed massively with my mum, to say we argued would not do our ‘fights’ justice. We hated each other and that’s a shit thing for a kid to take.
The reasons for this are two dimensional to the point of this post. The consequences were a fairly lengthy drug abuse habit which drove me to seek comfort in some wickedly dark and emotionally destructive groups, relationships and behaviours thinking I could fight my way through to a sense of peace. In tandem with this my alcoholism was developing, the drug abuse sort of hided this from me but when I stopped taking illegal drugs, I thought I had it nailed. After all I was only a social drinker right? The irony being that the more I drank the more isolated I felt.
My greatest fear now, is whether or not I am going to be able to face up to the insecurities which are forcing me to seek comfort in whatever way I can.
It’s so hard!
I can fix in so many different ways and in order to truly be free from addiction in general I feel I have to watch everything I do. Is it possible? I know that it is considered prudent to try and slay one dragon at a time, but I’m beginning to regard addictive behaviour on the whole as one dragon. Today has been tricky, I am still sober, I hope I am a little less smug and a little more grateful.
awprint: RUBY Imagine yourself doing What you love and loving What you do, Being happy From the inside Out, experiencing your Dreams wide awake, 
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