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[tumadre]

My husband is my best friend, so when I have problems with him, it's hard for me to talk about them with my girlfriends, Mom, or my daughters (who I'm really close with also, and he's their stepdad)...I've just recently gotten to the point where I can "constructively" say that he is "working on an issue". I just can't bitch about him like some other women bitch about their husbands or partners. Right now I wish I could. Long story short: He's just about perfect, except for a passive/aggressive anger issue, that rears its ugly head when you least expect it. He looks and acts alot angrier than he thinks he does. Over the years, there's been many situations that've gotten ugly-emotionally, not physically-just because of his stress. His nursing job has changed and become more high-stress in the last year, and he has lost his temper a few times. Because of this, he was put on probation (never bawl out a doctor, even if they deserve it). Then he lost it again and was put on administrative leave. Because we'd also had a huge family fight here at home and I had insisted that he see a therapist, he had already started seeing one, and she put him on disability. This stretched out for 3 months. He recently went back, and on the first really stressful day, he sorta complained. Bam. Back on admin leave. He has a meeting on Tuesday morning, and I'm scared to death he's going to lose his job. I only work very part-time as a nurse, I home-school my 16 y.o. daughter, my 19 y.o. daughter is in Central America for college, and I'm starting a bookstore (online) business. I only had 2 drinks last night and 2 tonight!! I have a headache, and I feel sick, and we're barely talking. Oh, and I started Weight Watchers at the same time that I started all the supps and topa-about a little over a week now. I'm used to drinking to get through this. I really don't crave a drink right now, I just want to stop crying and stop feeling so scared. I'm so mad at him. He knows he f**cked up, but couldn't he just have stopped and kept his mouth shut! He's going to start looking for another job.

P.S. thanks, tawny:l

[tawnyfrog]

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Phew!

Well done, tumadre.

Hey ... don't we just automatically protect our men? Doesn't matter what they do to us ... we jusify. We make allowances. We accept. We make excuses (never bawl out a doctor, "even if they deserve it"). We continue to swallow and while we're doing all that stuff we lose sight of ourselves and at the end of the day, when we really need to feel loved and protected and safe in our man's arms ... he ain't there. Because he has " his issues".

And it's worse when he's "your best friend". It would be easy if he were an arsehole, a bad father, physically abusive. But he's not. So we don't bitch to anyone. They probably wouldn't believe us anyway. So we wear these emotions alone. We end up questioning our own needs and write them off as being trivial. We don't want to be seen as "needy". Oh no, we're so together!

Huge difference between being needy and needing. I need my man to invest as much time in me as I invest in him. Chances of that happening??? hmmm. I can see why you're angry. So he opens his mouth and threatens your security. Again. Why the hell can't he do his thinking quietly?

Tumadre, be angry. You're allowed to be. Cry. You need to. Don't have any more drinks. We know they don't help. I don't know what to say to you - other than - yeah, sometimes it so-f***ing sucks.

Perhaps right now is not a good time to take on Weight Watchers as well as all the other crap you're dealing with. God, I wish I could help you feel better right now.

Tawny, adding an uncharacteristic :l

[fsophiah]

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Once upon a time, my husband lost his job. I was in a job I hated and looking for another one. I don't know how we got through that time. At that time, I had to evaluate what had to be done. I had to get a good job. He had to re-train for another career. (He was a minister.) We had young children. It took me such a long time to let go of my illusions of what he was and what I was. The reality is that your husband has let his anger problems jeopardize the security of his family, not once but enough times that he has hurt his family. This may not be physical abuse, but it is abusive nevertheless. He is either going to face the music and change, or he won't. Whatever the case, it's going to be up to you to step up and take care of yourself and your kids. You can't rescue him at this point. Your strength may help him sort his life out, and there is stuff about the future that you simply can't know right now. Now, just take one step at a time. This program can help you, but you are going to step forward and do what needs to be done for yourself and your kids. At this point, he's going to have to face what he has done and take responsibility for it. Also, it will help you if you don't try to take care of him and make him feel better. You have bigger things to do. You can do them.

[tumadre]

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tawny & fsophia-
Believe it or not, but I just didn't see that I had a right to be that angry. I thought that I needed to comfort him, because he's scared. I mean, I've made mistakes and he's been there for me. He's following me around this morning, wanting a hug and some reassurance that I still love him (I do) and have forgiven him (I haven't). tawny-I opened another bottle of wine last night (only drank half), and of course am hung over & headachy. And mad at myself.uch:
Thanks for listening to my stuff. I know that many others have worse things going on. I know that we'll get through this. It was the anger that I didn't know what to do with...

[tumadre]

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fsophiah wrote: The reality is that your husband has let his anger problems jeopardize the security of his family, not once but enough times that he has hurt his family.

This is really the truth of the matter. We could insert "drinking" where "anger" is, and it would probably apply to many of us here.

[MKR]

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Tu Madre,

Long story short, I left my husband because it did get worse than you are speaking of here. I put a restraining order on him and didn't talk to him for over three months. I did not move back for over a year, I was finished with the upset. He finally got the message and went to therapy and got on depression meds. It was the depression causing this inordinate amount of anger that was simply ruining the family. The others of us were walking on egg shells wondering what we would come home to. Chronic depression does cause some horrible anger.

Maybe he can seek some psychological help to look at those issues.

Wishing you love and peace,
Mary

[tumadre]

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I've been staying away from the boards...Well, reading some, but not posting...I'm in so much despair (and of course comparing myself with those that have a REAL reason to despair) these past few days, that I'm not sure where to go with all of this. I don't know if the topa is contributing, but I'm in such a deep hole. My husband did lose his job. He tried the disability thing again, and they said that he couldn't keep doing that (explode in anger), so under duress, he resigned. Actually, I haven't taken any supps or topa today. I've been walking around like a zombie, wanting to drink, trying to stay away from drinking altogether so I don't start...I had a quick glass of wine with my neighbor, when I went over to tell her about this. I just don't tell my girlfriends stuff, and I need to start doing so!!! I've had 4 beautiful offers of shoulders to cry on from wonderful girlfriends after I told them what's going on. They know my husband too, and it's so hard for them to visualize him angry-no one sees him blow up, because he does it so rarely, and in such a self-righteous way.
MKR & fsophia-thank you for the dose of reality. At the time, I thought-No, he's not going to lose his job!! Sounds like you had to gather all your inner strength to pull through that time, and you came out the other side even stronger. He has been in therapy, and is working very hard to not lose it when his buttons are pushed. And recognize his triggers...
Why do I feel like a zombie? I'm only drinking about 4 glasses/wine a night. Thank you again for your kind words of support...Actually, now that I re-read them, they weren't actually "kind words", they were more "kick-ass" words.:flower:

EDIT! I meant to say they were kind words, but also words that helped me think about what actions to take!

[tumadre]

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Got up this morning, aching head from too much wine...Hey, If no one sees us open the bottle, empty it, then throw it away, did we really drink the whole thing? :H
Just reminded myself as to why I am here. This horrid physical feeling, in addition to the guilt and worry. How can I handle all this stress in my life if I'm not sober/sane? I can't even remember going to bed last night. (And, MKR & fsophia, I DO want you to see the above edit, so my intent is clear.:h )
Thanks for being here, people.
Tumadre