Completely unrelated

[sunshine_gg]

I am finding myself in an emotionally difficult situation: My 17 year old (finished high school ? and TELLS me he graduated, although I have not yet seen proof of that) has been told 3 months ago to make sure he had a job and place to live by July 1st. It is now July 29th. The final deadline set is July 31st. He seriously started looking for work yesterday. I detect a bit of panic mode, now.

What preceded the need/want for US to have him move out:

1. Criminal activities, such as ?borrowing? a neighbours truck and totaling it (not to mention driving under the influence and without a license), assault with a weapon conviction
2. Continued use of illegal drugs
3. Sale/Dealing of illegal drugs
4. Repeatedly stealing from my wallet
5. Stealing from my bank account
6. Repeatedly breaking into the liquor cabinet
7. General disobedience in the house hold
8. General disrespect for property
9. Continuing lies and fabrication of whereabouts and activities
10. Countless suspensions from school ? behavior contracts, etc.

The young lad is very angry with me. And, at times I suppose I buy into the guilt trip he?s laying on me ? yet, intellectually I know that I have the right to NOT BE ABUSED by my son. So? the consequences for all of the above is his loss of privilege to live here. I don?t know what my legal responsibilities are in terms of financial aid (I live in Ontario, Canada), since he is still a month and a half away from being 18 and I?m not sure how to handle the emotions, either. A bit at a loss here.. anyone else had to deal with such?

[techie]

Completely unrelated

Time to put the major BRAKES on his activity. It's tough as a parent. His time is NOW or these things will escalate. I'm living proof. If my parents didn't kick my ass at that age I'm not sure where my life would've led. Kick BUTT!!!

[Ringing Cedars]

Completely unrelated

Hey Sunni--I'm sorry he hasn't come around, but you suspected he wouldn't and I agree with Techie. It still may not be the wake up call he needs but enabling isn't going to help either. So sorry you're in this position.

[paguy]

Completely unrelated

Hi Sunni:

I have to agrree with RC and techie. Sounds like the lad needs a strong dose of tough love. I do not have children so I can't relate to how you may be feeling in that regard but you really need to be firm.

Sorry you are having to deal with this... Be strong!

[Hippy Chick]

Completely unrelated

Hi Sunny.

I dont think I can add much as I am still learning how to parent a teenage boy, but I just wanted to send my love and support as I know how bloody hard it is.

I can relate to the guilt trip that they can lay on as my son knows exactly how to do that so well.

Take care and stay strong. I am sure whatever direction you choose, will be the right one although not the easiest one.

Hipster

[sunshinedaisies]

Completely unrelated

Hi Sunny - I was in the same position with my eldest daughter but not for the same reasons that you are doing it - anyway I told her she either had to live by our rules or she could leave - gave her a date and stood firm - she caved. I was freaking out about what I would do if she didn't so I understand where you are coming from. As for the legalities of it, I have no idea. I am sorry that you are having to go through this - I do empathize. All you can do is stand strong - it is VERY hard, but by continuing to let him get away with stuff, as RC said, you are enabling him. Seeing as he is under 18 still, I don't suppose there is any chance of some sort of juvie halfway house that he could go to is there? Hang in there.

hugs to you, Sunshinedaisies x

[KateH1]

Completely unrelated

Gosh, this is so very, very sad. My question is, have you sought professional help for him? He is so young to have already fallen into this behavior that is so seriously the wrong path. I am wondering how, living on his own at the age of 17 will put him on the right path? Yes, I understand not wanting to enable him and his behavior but, at the same time, I wonder what other alternatives there might be for him to help him turn his life around.

You know, this makes me think how here on MWO there is so much talk about "tough love" not working and being the wrong choice. And in this case we are talking about disagreeing with somone or being straight up about addiction etc. What makes this sort of "tough love" the right choice? (by the way.....these are all just thoughts in progress!) No judgment, I truly, truly feel for you and your son.

xx Kate

[sunshine_gg]

Completely unrelated

Thanks to all of you.

He would/has in the past refused any sort of counseling. There is nothing wrong with his behavior - it's everyone else who's stupid, doesn't like him and is just plain out to make his life miserable. He tries to lie himself through and out of everything. A story from him is never straight. And changes every time he repeats it. Only when he gets caught point blank, does he admit and shake it off as nothing. 'I didn't want you to freak out, you always overreact, etc...'

I cannot possibly count the times we have sat down calm, rationally, AGREED on a certain path/action, etc.. only to have him turn around and completely ignore it. I'm just so at my wit's end. And, I truly do NOT want to live with him anymore. I hate it.

And, of course, with that comes the guilt.

Kate, having him bum around here, not working, draining me financially and emotionally sure doesn't seem to put him on the right path. Being FORCED to actually EARN a living, might... at least that's my hope..?

[rubywillow]

Completely unrelated

Sunny G, I understand too. They were our sweet little babies, and suddenly, we don't know them. I too have the guilt about my drinking when they were teens, but Hubs and I held firm on our house rules. Today, our son (who was into heavy metal, long hair, girls, black t-shirts, etc.) now has 3 daughters, the oldest 17. He tells me I STILL wasn't tough enough on him. He's successful, never used drugs, has a very responsible, high-profile position, but a b*%$h of an ex who has put him nearly in the poor house. He still comes to us for advice, and sends his girls to us.
Our daughter was self-motivated, shared more with me than I wanted to know, and today has a wonderful life, and is very active in charities. She keeps ME straight!
I never hesitated to 'invade' their privacy when they lived here. (When they left, it was for good. No revolving door.) In my house, my rules, don't expect to hide wrong doing. It may sound like I watched and dictated their every move; I didn't. But I knew them SO well I could detect any signs of trouble, and they knew it. Son is convinced I could read his mind! And if I was wrong, well, we have two beautiful, well-adjusted adult children, who don't resent us for our stand, especially since having their own children. We didn't try to be their friend and buddy - we were their parents, with the responsibility for their turning into good adults. They knew they could live here, and we would support them totally, as long as they were in school, but they both moved out at 18 1/2, got their own places, and found their own paths.
I don't say all this to pat myself on the back. I was drunk a lot, in front of them. I've had to earn back their respect, and there will always be resentment. Hubs was always at work, leaving me to go to all the extra curricular activities I had them in. But they found THEIR way, and are loving, nurturing, parents, in spite of our flaws. We are human. Me make mistakes. But to demand respect, to follow your house rules, to be accountable, is the right thing to do. He may have to find his lowest level, as so many of us have, before he understands this.
Have you offered to send him to rehab? To turn him in for the drugs? Drastic, but something has to get his attention. And the deeper he gets in that shadowy world, the more it endangers you and the rest of your family.
I had a counselor once whose father had been a higher up in the FBI, very well-known and admired. She was doing the same things you described. At some point, she was arrested, and rather than bail her out, he left her, and she went to prison for 3 years. Did she hate it, and him? YES! But she also says it saved her life. She is a beautiful, wonderful, caring person today. And he can be too. But he HAS to learn there are consequences, before it's too late.
I'll keep you, and him, in my prayers. Yours is an all to common problem today, when kids feel an entitlement. Especially in today's world, they won't get a free lunch. Do what you feel is right, and stick by it. What he chooses is not your fault anymore. :hug:
Rubes

[KateH1]

Completely unrelated

Aww...Sunshine...my heart is with you....I can only imagine the pain this must be causing you and how much this has hurt for a long time. I truly hope that he can find his way out and that you can all find peace. Hang in there XXX

Kate

[LVT25]

Completely unrelated

I'm sorry, I don't really have any good advice, but I do empathize. I have a son that is soon to turn 16, and even though he is a pretty good kid, I'm learning I don't know him as well as I thought I did and he can be very deceptive. It's like it's normal and ok for teens to lie to their parents, and not listen to them, etc. I am very concerned about your son and what sounds like addictive behavior. I think you are doing the right thing, but it must be hard as hell!
Hang in there. :l

[LVT25]

Completely unrelated

Addiction: There are No Simple Answers | INTERVENE: A Community for Parents

Check this out, maybe it will help?

[FallonsMom]

Completely unrelated

tough love! Give him until he turn 18

[Cinders]

Completely unrelated

Sunny,

I have shown my son tough love and let him live out on his own when he was very young. I won't say how young because I will be attacked.

but, at the time he was doing meth and other drugs all the time. Staying away from home until he needed a place to "crash" and eat.

I kicked him out. I told him no mama needs to see her child kill themself.

I used to lie in bed and wonder how he was doing and if he was still alive.

Tough love is not all that easy. It ate at me.

Luckily, he came back and was ready to straighten up. But that does not always happen. I have had friends who lost their children to addiction.

I can't give advice on this but just know if you make him move out and take care of himself, you may well lie awake in bed at night and do a lot of praying.

No choice is easy. Enable or kick them from the nest.

Unfortunately, if he is not ready to accept the kind of help Kate is talking about, nothing anyone can do will help.

My heart is going out to you on this. Been there done that and there is nothing worse.

Cindi

[sunshine_gg]

Completely unrelated

Hi guys.. and thank you so much. I'm starting to feel a little more clear headed, I was really in the dumps earlier (and with that came THOSE thoughts).

I may have given a wrong impression here... as far as I know, he 'only' smokes pot now. He was into heavier stuff 1 1/2 years ago but thankfully, he did drop that. As far as I can tell. And I think I can tell.

I still think that he has 'the bug', though. And, I've talked to him about that on many occasions. Of course, he doesn't believe me.

My issues with him are more the utter disrespect for house rules (which aren't so much rules, as they are common courtesies to other family members), other people's (and his own) property, the stealing, lying, not working, NO attempt to pay back money he owes me, etc, etc, etc.