Completely unrelated

[mollyka]

Completely unrelated

Sunni, I've read all the posts and I agree with some and disagree with others - I think what I'm trying to say is with teenagers nothing is black and white. None are angels - but few are bad thro and thro. I have 3 boys, my 2nd son was quite challenging to grow up! He ran away from home when he was 16, he dabbled (and grew at one stage) with weed, he drank very young and always appeared 'troubled'. We had many sleepless nights with him, and my hubs lost patience with him several times, once when he had to be collected from a police station (albeit for a VERY minor offence) he was extremely rude to me (was drunk) and hubs boxed him on the nose yuck - he regrets that to this day. What I'm trying to say is, this lad is now 26 and is an absolutely super young man. Rarely drinks, works so hard he nearly worries me, has his own apartment etc. I don't KNOW your boy will grow out of this, but most of them do and what I'm saying is - he is still your son, doesn't mean you have to put up with abusive behaviour in your house, but I would say stick it out till he's 18 - certainly in Ireland, after that he is an adult. Don't make ultimatums you don't intend to keep - he has you over a barrel then.
This is very rambling I know, I'm just thinking 'out loud'. Be firm but be aware that if he does grow out of his apalling adolescent behaviour, you don't want to look back on how you handled him with regret. The fact that he used to do 'harder' drugs and now doesn't points to a certain maturing? and yes, I know what you mean about 'the bug' I watch mine all the time, with a certain amount of guilt.
Sunni, we all muddle thro the teen years - some are worse than others, only you can know in the end what is right for you and your son, I take no credit for my son, I am just so grateful that however we DID muddle thro we still have a relationship with him.
Thinking of you
Molly:l

[Cinders]

Completely unrelated

Yep, I forgot to add that my 31 year old son, husband and father to two beautiful grandchildren is now one of my best friends. He understands what I am going through and gives me tough love right back. :-)

Cindi

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Completely unrelated

Bah humbug I just lost a 20 min post. Here is an abridged version.
It is a tough call to make. I have an 18 yr old son and do understand how tough it is for them at that age as well as their parents. The one thing that stands out to me is your sons immaturity. For that reason I think if you ask him to leave he will see it as a great adventure, and look forward to his 'freedom' and lack of interference in his life, as he sees it. I suspect he will end up within a short few weeks either in trouble, sleeping rough or come running home with his tail between his legs as he sounds totally incapable of showing the maturity yet to cope as an adult. I also think that until he is 18 there is a legal issue. I understand things have become unbearable, is there maybe an elder male relative whom he respects that he could visit, preferably in the middle of nowhere? Failing that I dont really know what to advise apart from another long talk and a carrot and stick approach. Maybe using something he has always dreamed of, say a trip to europe in six months time for instance? I would also try and stay totally calm in your discussions, hard I know, but you need to show him screaming at each other is not an adult way of solving this. He needs to learn respect for himself, you guys and others. I strongly suspect he will look back in a few years time an cringe at his behavour during this period of his life. I wish you luck, its a tough one.

[Grateful]

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Sunni-I feel so for you. I've been there, unfortunately, but my son was older. He was actually living with his girlfriend & her parents after high school but when they broke up he moved back in with me & his step-father. I admit that I probably should have kicked him out on more than one occasion....I believe he may have been doing some sort of drugs but drinking was the big thing and he would get violent and destructive. I actually had to hide & eventually get rid of a gun that he owned because I was so scared. My husband wanted to kick him out so many times but I pleaded with him that he had no place to go (his father could care less about him). I'm surprised my husband didn't leave me during this nightmare. What finally slowed him down-he hit rock bottom at the age of 26. After getting arrested for a stupid, immature prank, and then getting 2 DUI's, he went to jail for 3 months last summer. Believe me, it was hard visiting him every Friday night for 3 months - but I believe this is what turned him around. Now, he's definitely not 100% living the straight & narrow way, but he knows there will be no more county prison if he violates probation, etc. He has slowed down on his drinking (I'm still praying he stops completely), he has a great job that he got 1 month after being released, he has his own apartment with his girlfriend who is also his chauffer for 18 months and he seems to respect me and his stepfather more. Sometimes there is nothing that we as mothers can physically do for our children but pray and turn them over to God....sometimes kids (like my son) have to really hit the bottom and see for themselves. I just wanted to share my story with you.......I know the pain of watching your child that you gave birth to go through self-induced hell. Keep praying, sweetie. :l:l

[hart]

Completely unrelated

(((Sunni))) I feel for you hon. That is a real toughie, and even with us sharing all our experiences only you know your son, how he has acted in the past when rules are firmly set, if you feel he can straighten out, if you and your hubby can live with the situation as it is anymore. I don't believe a parent has to destroy their life for their kid, this does not help the kid.

I moved out at 17 for a variety of reasons. I finished high school (do ask to see that diploma) had a job and was pretty self-sufficient. I continued on my destructive behaviors but finally decided I didn't want to die.

Whatever you decide, stick to it. I would lock my purse up, make sure the keys to vehicles aren't visible, do whatever you have to do as long as your son is living with you. I wouldn't trust him right now. Not that he can't change. He can, but as long as he feels he's indestructable, has his folks as a safety net and won't acknowledge when he does wrong...why should he change?

It aint easy being a parent, but as I said, destroying yourself, you family, etc., isn't doing your son any favors. :l

[sick of being sick]

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Sunny, this is a hard road for a Mother to travel down and I am so sorry you are faced with it. We love our children and want to "help" them all we can. The very best thing you can do for your child at this point is to read the book "Tough Love" by York and Wachtel. This is the only true way you can help them to grow up and for you to survive it! I will be praying for you.

[rubywillow]

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And Sunny, even with kids you (moderately) trust, who are good kids, when they move out and experience their first independence, you will lie asleep at night and worry. 18 years, and I still do, plus now I have grands going through this.

[sunshine_gg]

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*sigh*

Well, I've decided to speak to his g/f mom. He spends a lot of time there anyways (he's there now). I left a message for her. I'd like to get a feel for how she feels about him being there and offer her some room/board money for the next 2 months.

Unfortunately, dangling a carrot has NEVER worked with him. We offered to pay for his driver's license if he could maintain a 65 average (he could easily be a 70 student, without even really trying - but he WOULD have actually had to show up for classes), we offered all sorts of things (well, Mr. Wonderful did... I already knew it wasn't going to work, since it never even worked when he was little). We took things away (laptop, etc.) - even that isn't doing the trick anymore. There are NO relatives on this continent. His father has graced my kids with 12 years of silence.

He can, but as long as he feels he's indestructable, has his folks as a safety net and won't acknowledge when he does wrong...why should he change?

You hit the nail right on the head, Hart.

[rubywillow]

Completely unrelated

And Sunny, I don't have all the answers. I struggling right now with my oldest GD, whose mother enables her to keep her happy. Son told me I'm the only one she respects, and I shoot straight with her. She hasn't spoken to me in 2 weeks, (tho she gave me a hug when I last saw her), but I've given enough, (except for my constant love and care). She is more beautiful than is allowed, and that's what worries me. But she knows I'm here, will always be, and am her constant, she knows my basic rules, and abides by them. The other things will come. I'm doing the only thing I know. I will not be her buddy, her enabler. I am her grandmother, her mentor. And I have no doubt she knows I love her. Hugs, and best wishes. A woman's life ain't easy, girl.

[Guest]

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Im going through exactly the same shit and im trying to feel my way through it, day by fookin day! Ive tried been reasonable, talking to him, making sure he feels welcome here no matter what, dangling carrotts and so far nothing much has worked. He is a total BUZZ chaser and when I say that I mean fun, booze, pot. Hes a great kid, I love him to bits but ive been planning his big move out next may when he turns 18 and I know like you GG , I wont be able to do it bit wtf...I dunno! I dont f*****g know!
Tough love huh? I dunno...Im not so sure that were a little beyond the tough love stage here..in my case.

[Guest]

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and I doo realise while he is in denial of the fact that he is feckin things up for his future I have been in denial about things Ive done to try and bring him back on track....ive thought every day, 'I will try this, this mite work', guess what, so far it hasnt, even today I tried something new....we will see, the night is long, I will sleep with the phone by my bed , knowing the possibility of the phone ringing with the number 6666 (all police stations numbers begin with 6666 over here!) is very , very possible....what can I do but keep on trying.

[Kimberley]

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Hey Sunny,

I have no idea what you are going through but it must be really hard. Just wanted to offer you a:l and say that you're a very sensible and reasonable lady and you should know that whatever decisions you make about this, it will be with the best intentions and will be the best you can do in the tough circumstances.

K x

[Tipplerette]

Completely unrelated

My adopted daughter needed tough love and I am a wimp so it took me forever to finally call the police on her and have her admitted to the Robert Smart Centre (Ottawa Ontario). ALL this has to be done before they turn 18. After 18 everything changes. The best thing I ever did for her was to call police, kick her out and commit her to the centre as my physical self was in danger at times. She is 23 now and thanks me. it's so tough because everyone tells you to get them to a councillor and they won't go and if they do they either don't talk or say what they know the councillor wants to hear. There is usually a light at the end of the tunnell. They do grow up. You are doing the right thing. Dont' break off communcication just stop enabling him. Love tip

[sunshine_gg]

Completely unrelated

Update

Well, my boy is staying with a buddy here and a buddy there. I am still giving him money for food because from what I hear he IS now (finally) really trying to find work and has filed paperwork with social services to help him until he gets settled.

I brought him some clothes and his bike this morning. We had a bit of a longish hug - I said 'You know, I love you, right?' He said 'Yeah. And I love you, too. I still think you are being dicks.' (Myself and Mr. Wonderful). I replied 'Yeah, we kinda feel the same way about you right now.' He grinned and said 'I know.'

What struck me, I guess, is that he DOES know. So, perhaps, there is hope yet. In any case, for the first time in 2 weeks, thinking of him doesn't turn my stomach in knots.

I think that's progress. Thank you everyone for your input and concern.
:l

[greeneyes]

Completely unrelated

I'm glad to hear that sunnybutt. :l I haven't had anything to offer, but have been thinking about you.