I went to an AA meeting tonight and was fortunate to have the opportunity to share the fact that I was stuggling a bit with acceptance. It was great meeting. There were some wise old soldiers present. Lately I have been finding acceptance of my Alcoholism difficult. I here so many stories from people who have experienced far darker times than I (YET).
I do understand my condition fairly well for someone who has only really acknowledged it relatively recently, I think this is due to the fact that - as some of you may be aware - I have been in Psychotherapy for the past three and a half years and have a good overall understanding of who I am and what my triggers are.
Despite all this, not to mention the fact that 7 weeks ago I was a borderline suicidal wreck from a binge that seen me imbibe more alcohol than any human should have the capacity to tolerate, and despite the fact that someone I know died this week after giving up the fight against heroin addiction, I still find it hard to get into the centre of the AA bed as they say. I hasten to add this is something I intend to change. So tonight I shared all this and felt better for it I even listened to someone speak who I thought would make a good potential sponsor, all in all it was a good session.
The point that I would like to make is that sometimes I am so fucking crazy it makes me laugh out loud. Since I have given up alcohol I have become keenly aware of the fixes I use as hiding places. I have been really disciplined, to the point where I am eating well, exercising regularly, I am abstinent in every way one could imagine (typical Alcoholic right, I have to do things to extremes). The problem is - as BP are finding out in the Mexican Gulf - when you plug all the holes too quickly other cracks can appear, so low and behold I am now developing something of a predisposition towards a particular iced bun that they sell at Tescos.
After the meeting I decided to pick up some milk, and almost unconsciously I went to Tesco's knowing that I would see if they have got any of these cakes. I told my self all the way there, don't have one, you are only going to Tesco's for the cake, when I walked into the shop, I said to myself, get the milk and go.... as I walked to the Bakery section!!!
There they were. Two left. I felt the relief as I picked one up, took it, got the milk and walked to the till feeling like a guilty school child. Ha ha ha, I crack myself up! I know it's better than getting hammered but I find it increadible that one minute I can doubt my Alcoholism and Addictive nature then the next.... I'm fixing on fucking Pastries.
I am happy to concede to my Alcoholism, I cannot control it and I have to accept it. I am not particularly proud of it, nor am I ashamed of it. I tell you one thing I am proud of though. I am sober today and that Cinnamon Roll didn't do anything to change that.
My love to all of you.
Johnny.
I do understand my condition fairly well for someone who has only really acknowledged it relatively recently, I think this is due to the fact that - as some of you may be aware - I have been in Psychotherapy for the past three and a half years and have a good overall understanding of who I am and what my triggers are.
Despite all this, not to mention the fact that 7 weeks ago I was a borderline suicidal wreck from a binge that seen me imbibe more alcohol than any human should have the capacity to tolerate, and despite the fact that someone I know died this week after giving up the fight against heroin addiction, I still find it hard to get into the centre of the AA bed as they say. I hasten to add this is something I intend to change. So tonight I shared all this and felt better for it I even listened to someone speak who I thought would make a good potential sponsor, all in all it was a good session.
The point that I would like to make is that sometimes I am so fucking crazy it makes me laugh out loud. Since I have given up alcohol I have become keenly aware of the fixes I use as hiding places. I have been really disciplined, to the point where I am eating well, exercising regularly, I am abstinent in every way one could imagine (typical Alcoholic right, I have to do things to extremes). The problem is - as BP are finding out in the Mexican Gulf - when you plug all the holes too quickly other cracks can appear, so low and behold I am now developing something of a predisposition towards a particular iced bun that they sell at Tescos.
After the meeting I decided to pick up some milk, and almost unconsciously I went to Tesco's knowing that I would see if they have got any of these cakes. I told my self all the way there, don't have one, you are only going to Tesco's for the cake, when I walked into the shop, I said to myself, get the milk and go.... as I walked to the Bakery section!!!
There they were. Two left. I felt the relief as I picked one up, took it, got the milk and walked to the till feeling like a guilty school child. Ha ha ha, I crack myself up! I know it's better than getting hammered but I find it increadible that one minute I can doubt my Alcoholism and Addictive nature then the next.... I'm fixing on fucking Pastries.
I am happy to concede to my Alcoholism, I cannot control it and I have to accept it. I am not particularly proud of it, nor am I ashamed of it. I tell you one thing I am proud of though. I am sober today and that Cinnamon Roll didn't do anything to change that.
My love to all of you.
Johnny.
ray:
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