What Do You Think?

[KateH1]

What Do You Think?

rubywillow;925523 wrote: Thank you, Kate. The 'not saving' is a real hurdle for me. I learned early to be a nurturer, and now find it leads to being a matyr. I don't want to end on a stake.

Oh Boy Ruby! I totally get that! I think it is part of "our generation", those that decided we could "Do It ALL!!" College, careers, wife, mother, etc! If we are an eldest child (daughers in particular, it is a double whammy! But, you are right, when "nurturing" becomes more like martyring", we are wayyyyy out of balance and really do not benefit anyone at that point. It has been a long road for me, but I no longer completely depleat myself to "Save Others". When I nurture or give, it is without personal expectations! As you know, I love to share information, I am a nurturer and a tearcher at heart, but no longer a martyr! I also realize that others can listen to me or not and to me, that is absolutely their choice and OK by me!:l
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[PhoenixRising]

What Do You Think?

It's like the myth of the Golden Rule. Who doesn't believe in the Golden Rule? We're taught it's the ideal way to conduct ourselves. Well, it almost ruined my marriage. I assumed that since I love feeling connected and close that that is what hubs would want. Wrong. He values space in general and especially when he is stressed. So, I had to learn another rule: The Platinum Rule. Do unto others the way they want to be done unto.

I am a nurturer, too. I am also a martyr. I am finding that not everyone likes being nurtured. They'd rather not have the ____ vs having a grumpy or overworked wife/mom.
Wow. What a revelation. Kind of disappointing, actually. Now what? I nurture myself. Not so much fun, but I am getting there.

I am going to the school of massage on Saturday for a $25 massage because I've earned it, I deserve it and I didn't spend $25 this week on wine. The Golden Rule only really works on oneself. So I am applying it liberally, just like sunscreen.

-P.

[rubywillow]

What Do You Think?

PR, good for you! I LOVE a good massage, helps more with my body/muscle pain than anything.

Kate, I'm the eldest and (last time I looked!) female. I also was a carbon copy of my Daddy, and that caused problems for Momma and me. But you hit the nail on the head with any expection with have with our nurturing. I don't THINK I do; I've been bit in the butt SO many times. But I do what I do out of care, concern, and don't want or expect praise for my actions. I've withdrawn recently from being so involved with my extended family, to rest myself. It's caused a LOT of bad feelings, because I'm not there at the drop of a hat. But I'm feeling my way to the place I want to be, not what others expect. Many times I've been damned if I do, damned if I don't. So now, I learning to live MY life, on my terms.

[Angelcakes]

What Do You Think?

Chillgirl;924988 wrote: Sometimes Id actually like to be able to go back and ask my crazy teenage self for some advice, she might not have had any life experience but there is something wise about that fresh niave view of the world.....

I agree with this - there's something about my youth when I saw things from very obtuse angles, I'm still like that but now I'm older with my own family I've been 'society-ised' more. It's something I want to teach my own kids - always question, never just accept or follow the flock.
Um...I think I've gone on a tangent! (there it is!!)...good thread Rubes.