Vent Here

[K9Lover]

Vent Here

Oh believe me, I know what it's like to not take MY own advice either! It's much easier to give it than to live it, especially when you are dealing with an addiction! You just keep plugging along there Mama, and never give up!!!

[more2life]

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Just had to vent I'm in a really effing bad mood today!! Can't wait for the day to be OVER!!!!!

[KateH1]

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Well...if "so many people" refers to me. I did not mean any offense either. But, think about it, do you want to hear parenting advice from someone that is not a parent. Would you learn to drive from somone who doesn't have a license, would you want to learn a trade from somone who had never worked?

No one here believes that becoming AF or truly modding is "Easy", in fact it is the most difficult thing I have ever done, I think most would agree. It takes more than love and kind words, it takes shear determination and tons of work. I do not believe that anyone here has had an "easy" time with this addiction. We all have our challenges, illnesses and even great loss in our lives, but still many do meet the challenge and lead sober lives. I guess we all have our own ideas on what "encouragement and sound information" truly is. No one should be offended by a frank discussion of this.

More 2, I hope that you feel better soon!

[NoraC]

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mama bear;932138 wrote: just for the record....I have been struggling since February to go AF...still not there...
but why wouldn;t I encurage others????
I don't see why supporting and encouraging others should "piss" people off.......
I thought that's what this site was about????

Thank you Mama!!!!

[fennel]

Vent Here

mama bear;932138 wrote: just for the record....I have been struggling since February to go AF...still not there...
but why wouldn;t I encurage others????
I don't see why supporting and encouraging others should "piss" people off.......
I thought that's what this site was about????

Words of kindness and encouragement are still words of kindness and encouragement, no matter the source, or whomever may think the source is "less than". Until RJ comes on and tells us that only those on antabuse or those with a year's worth of sobriety can offer support, we should do as we will. And you're right, I think support is what this site is about, not criticism. :thanks:

[fennel]

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NoraC;932208 wrote: Thank you Mama!!!!

I'm with you, Nora.

[Guest]

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Whilst I've not said anyone should not give encouragement here, there is one thing that could be of concern.

Drink problems involve some element of denial, and most will look for excuses to drink. Someone who is still drinking, or constantly on and off could make a newbie think it's ok to carry on having drinking spells. When I was drinking I remember being in a treatment centre having spoken to others there decided I obviously hadn't had my last drink because they all drank several times more than I did, in fact I made it my goal to try and get to their level of drinking. Other times if I knew someone had fallen off the wagon I'd think "Ooh, I can have a go at that - they got through it and survived, so it's ok for me"

A couple of months ago someone said I shouldn't post on a certain topic because I wasn't 'qualified' or 'experienced' enough. Plus another who thought I was getting at them - when what I was saying was the truth. If we start to censor who can or cannot post then it becomes a closed forum and pretty pointless. The member grading system is confusing though and has been discussed previously here. Being a senior member is relative to the number of your posts - not length or quality of sobriety, both of which are arbitary and very individual anyway.

[JackieClaire]

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Ukblonde;932341 wrote: Whilst I've not said anyone should not give encouragement here, there is one thing that could be of concern.

Drink problems involve some element of denial, and most will look for excuses to drink. Someone who is still drinking, or constantly on and off could make a newbie think it's ok to carry on having drinking spells. When I was drinking I remember being in a treatment centre having spoken to others there decided I obviously hadn't had my last drink because they all drank several times more than I did, in fact I made it my goal to try and get to their level of drinking. Other times if I knew someone had fallen off the wagon I'd think "Ooh, I can have a go at that - they got through it and survived, so it's ok for me"

Well said UK, again you've put into words I was trying hard to find.
When I joined way back Sept 2008 I don't think I really wanted to be AF, so didn't bother joining any thread. When I finally started posting in July 2009 I knew it was my time. So I found some long term abstainers and basically copied what they did.
J x
:l

[mollyka]

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I've just written a big long post which thankfully I didn't post cos I didn't get my point across so now late for work, but just a quick point in response to a point UK made about 'senior' members. I think the criteria to become a senior member is nonsense - perhaps a 6month/1year sober period to qualify would be more appropriate - I find it ludicrous that someone like me with only 3 month continuous sobriety can be described as a 'senior' member
Molly

[one2many]

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JackieClaire;932346 wrote: Well said UK, again you've put into words I was trying hard to find.
When I joined way back Sept 2008 I don't think I really wanted to be AF, so didn't bother joining any thread. When I finally started posting in July 2009 I knew it was my time. So I found some long term abstainers and basically copied what they did.
J x
:l

Yes JC, I agree.

I decided to mod when I came here first, I had absolutely no intention of never drinking again, however my time did come and I looked to the long timers and got my plan together.

I think the point that was being made was that it is hard for someone who is struggling really hard on a daily basis to hear things like "You can do this if you REALLY want it" " Gratitude V Deprivation" "Use the tools" etc etc and then the very next day the one giving the advice is back to square one and it is passed off as a "slip" and their AF time remains intact. This is a continual pattern.
All this shows is....ok, it's ok to slip, I do it all the time.
There is a difference in encouragement and giving advice.
Giving encouragement to others is wonderful and necessary on here but giving advice when you do not take your own could confuse some people I guess and really is not a good example.

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

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All good food for thought. I applaud the open discussion here as opposed to the bickering that many threads with differing points of view can often become. I think like most things in life there is no straight black/white position but a large grey areas. I will say that in regard to the whole senior member classification, trying to police that based on AF time would be neigh on impossible and might discourage people from being honest, which imo is paramount to any level of success.

[mama bear]

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thanks sheri...that's what i was "trying" to say!!

[one2many]

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I do understand what you are saying Sheri, so maybe it's just me, I find it very frustrating. I can understand when someone comes back after a "slip" (I hate that word) and being absolutely gutted about what happened and doing their level best to get a plan together and really make an effort to try again...whether they fall again or not, they are TRYING hard and doing their best.

But I do see some people posting who are very flippant about their "slip" "awh I drank last night because this excuse, that excuse..so back on the saddle" and then do it 2 days later again. No word of a plan or ANYTHING that they are doing differently because whatever they are doing is not working....just advise others how to quit while they are not committed to quitting themselves.

It is the people who DO NOT try that I am talking about. There are members here years who are not AF but have tried SO many things and are fighting every day of their lives, giving it 100% and WORKING at being AF. I have taken advice from them many many times and have learned so much because they know what they are talking about because they have tried it for themselves, it matters not if it worked for them or not, the fact is they tried, they have experience.

Thats the point I am trying to make.

[Coco-Nut]

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erm...

(1) The person who opens a dishwasher full of clean dishes, quickly closes it and walks away... and then...

(2) That other person who opens the same dishwasher, also pretends he didn't notice the dishes were clean, and proceeds to put his dirty dishes in.

[brittzak]

Vent Here

I think sometimes some of us hat are sober and have been sober for some length of time start to forget how gut wrenchingly hard it was to get where we are. When I first started here, I was suicidal, I was so drunk the first day I logged on I had to close one eye to see the screeen (that is the God's honest truth). I fell, got up, fell, got up....It took me about a year to start getting some real sober time in. I went 8 months while taking care of my Mom when she was ill, then I fell flat on my face again. Then the next 12 months I drank 3 times, but those 3 time were week long binges. I am now celebrating 1 year completely sober Saturday. The newbies that are having a hard time over and over for awhile I can understand. You have hit bottom and have to fight to get back up. It also, takes time to figure out what you MUST have to make it back up. That is different for everyone. Some can work this program and not need anything else. Some need to be able to come here and go to AA...you get my point. What irritates me are the ones that were here when I came (little over 3 years now) and they are still comforting each other with the OK's. I don't understand why they keep coming back. Obviously, this program is not helping them and they need to find an avenue that will help.
Another thing that irritates me is what people think MODERATION is. RJ's book specifically says moderation is having 1-2 glasses ONCE OR TWICE A YEAR. Not every night, or even every weekend.
That is my 2 cents worth. No need to blast me cause I likely won't see it. I don't come here much anymore. Living a sober life and work and my children leave little time. I thank all of you for the pushes and the tough love. It works for me. I didn't think of it as a beatdown, I thought of it as a reality check.