Isolde's Journey - beginning again

[Isolde]

I've been lurking for the last few weeks and decided I'd like to start posting again. I joined about 2 years ago and went all out with the hypnosis CDs, supplements and Topamax, with the goal of moderation. I was definitely drinking less, but it was mostly because the Topa made me feel drunk after 1 drink, so I didn't need much! Looking back, I realized that I wasn't really trying, I was just expecting the Topa to do all of the work. I listened to the CDs a few times, but just didn't keep up with them. After about 4 months, I tapered off of the Topamax. Not only did I feel dumb as a sack of rocks the whole time, but as my dosage got higher, I started to go through bad bouts of depression. After I stopped the Topamax, my mood improved immediately. I decided that it just wasn't worth it. The amount that I was drinking eventually crept back up until I was drinking even more daily than I had been before I'd started the whole program.
I realized that I didn't really WANT to stop drinking, and I knew that I wouldn't be able accomplish much until that changed. I went on for awhile with the knowledge that I had a problem, but also that I wasn't ready to do anything about it, for awhile. Recently I began noticing that the same amount of alcohol that used to make me feel really good just wasn't doing ANYthing at all anymore. I would just go from sober to having overdone it, with no in between. It was always the buzzed feeling I was after (which occasionally led to me getting carried away and regretting it the next morning), not the totally blitzed drunk feeling. So without being able to experience the warm relaxing buzz that made me want to drink in the first place, it kinda just stopped being fun. I continued drinking out of habit anyway. I'd formed SOO many habits that involved alcohol, it seemed that everything I did triggered my desire for a drink. Eventually I started to realize that I was drinking without even enjoying it. I was doing it because I was used to doing it, and that was pretty much it. So I did some reading online, and read that when someone's tolerance gets so much higher that they continuously need more and more to get the same feeling (which I couldn't even do that anymore), it's a big signal that they have a serious problem. Ok, I already knew that, but something about reading it made something click in me.
So that week I had 2 AF days. Which is huge for me, because I NEVER have AF days. The next week it was 3 days. And I started reading posts here again, which was very motivating. I started to notice that I was actually feeling pretty good after not drinking for a few days. I'd been feeling depressed more often than not recently, and taking a break from AL has really helped me feel more positive. I've also noticed that my sense of smell and taste are much stronger. And the biggest improvement is my high blood pressure!! I was diagnosed with high BP a couple of years ago, in my late 20s. My doctor said I'd probably have to be on medication for it for the rest of my life. I've been off of my meds for a little while, because I really didn't like taking them and I wanted to see if I could keep it down on my own. It wasn't as high as it had been, but it was still way too high. Even after only 2 days of not drinking, it's back in the normal range!! I'm just tickled about this, because it means that I'm not doomed to be on medication forever, that it IS controllable! And here I thought I'd have to give up caffeine!:H The funny thing is that my doctor never said that drinking could cause high blood pressure, and I'm pretty sure I asked him about it directly. The same doc that diagnosed me w/HBP was the one I went to for my Topamax prescription, so it's not like he didn't know I was overdoing it!!

Anyway, this is turning into a novel of a post, and I was really just going for a short re-introduction.
I'm on my 2nd day AF this week and looking to see how many days I can string together. I'm not being terribly stringent with myself, as AF is not my goal, moderation is. But right now, it's kind of like an experiment. I want to see how good my BP gets, I want to see if I lose a few pounds (down 3 so far!), I want to see if my tastebuds continue to come back to life (everything had been tasting kind of bland for awhile), I want to see if I start to sleep better, etc. And I'm really curious what a sober weekend will feel like. I'm hoping I'll have more energy and be able to get a lot done (I recently moved into a fixer upper, so being able to get a lot done will be a big plus!).
Right now I'm just taking it a day at a time and seeing how I feel. So far, I'm feeling pretty good. :racer:

It's good to be back here, and I've really been enjoying reading posts from everyone. It's really been helping me stay motivated at times when I was wavering.

[Isolde]

Isolde's Journey - beginning again

Thanks for the response Sheri.

I managed to overcome the desire to pour a drink last night. I'd taken a hot bath to relax and was sweating bullets even half an hour later, and thought how nice a cold drink would be. I pacified myself with some flavored seltzer, and then had some tonic and cranberry juice. And a couple of Calms Forte for good measure!

The Mr. is currently out of town, and usually whenever I have the house to myself, I use the time to drink as much as I want without worrying about what anyone will think! Instead I'm using these few days to pamper myself and enjoy some much needed Me time. I very much enjoy my solitude, so having it be just me and the dog for a few days is a treat for me.

I was rather proud of myself the other night. Mr. Isolde mentioned opening up a good bottle of wine. Normally I consider this "permission" to go ahead and indulge. Usually it's just me drinking, and Mr. I will sometimes make comments that I don't need a drink (or don't need another), etc. But it's a different story if we're drinking together. But I'd already had it set it my head that I was going to be AF, at least during the week this week. So I told him he could go ahead, but I wasn't drinking. He eventually ended up not having any (he probably just forgot about it). It's funny how he can do that. If I get my mind set that I'm going to have a drink, there's no forgetting about it!! Even if I don't really want it later on, I'll still go ahead and have it anyway.

I'm taking supplements, but not the MWO ones. Some of them I was already taking - MSM, Vitamin C, Curcumin, Gingko Biloba, Green Tea Extract. But I recently started taking fish oil and St. John's Wort to help with my mood. I've been really unhappy at work for awhile now, and with the new house, things are a bit strapped financially, so I NEED the job. It's led to a good bit of stress and anxiety and just overall BLAHness. I'm just trying to focus on what I CAN do right now, get through the workdays as best I can, and just try to work on feeling better and enjoying life more.
And because I find it hard to relax in the evenings without having a drink, I usually take some Calms Forte when I get home.

So that's where I'm at. As others have started doing, I think I'll start using this thread as a journal of sorts. I used to keep one very regularly but have been really sporadic over the last few years. I definitely find it helpful to put my thoughts down, and if anyone chooses to pipe in and comment, then so much the better.

[rubywillow]

Isolde's Journey - beginning again

Is, great to have you back. YES! If we can notice, realize, what is going on, how AL is destroying rather than any help in our lives, we've taking a step.
I love the story of Tristan and Isolde. Take a long look at your life, and what you want. Then stay here a while, and ask for help when you need it.

[one2many]

Isolde's Journey - beginning again

Isolde,

I will be reading your journal.

Welcome back,

Oney x

[Isolde]

Isolde's Journey - beginning again

Well, I had a couple of more AF days and then some AL days. Friday night was new - I managed to go out to dinner with a friend (on FRIDAY!) and not have a drink. It was easy at the time, but now that I'm looking back on it, it's like, "Wow, that's a big deal!" I was with my best friend, and I've talked to him about how I drink too much and how I'm trying to drink less. Turns out he's also trying to drink less, because he's trying to lose some weight. He could take it or leave it though. So when he held up the wine menu, I didn't even ponder what kind of sakes they might have (Japanese restaurant), I just said, "I figured I'd skip it." So he said ok and handed the wine menu back to the waitress. I wouldn't say I enjoyed my dinner any less for lack of AL. If anything, I was a bit more relaxed because I wasn't keeping my eye on the waitress so I could order another drink as soon as I finished the first one. So that was nice.
I hadn't been sure what I was going to do on Saturday yet, as Mr. Isolde was still out of town, but I thought that I might end up having a few drinks, whatever I decided to do. My brothers invited me over to hang out with some friends and watch the UFC fight. So I knew I'd have a few beers. He told me I could stay in the guest room if I didn't feel like driving home. So I went over with the dog and took an overnight bag just in case. I didn't get trashed, had a few beers and a couple of jager bomb shots. I had water in between and we had some food, all spread out over about 5 hours. Around 2am, I decided I'd go ahead and stay over. It was nice not having to worry about driving home.
I slept late and had a slow start to Sunday, relaxing over a cup of coffee and chit chatting with my dad (Dad and brothers live in the same house). We were pondering possibly going out to grab some lunch, and then I got a call from Mr. Isolde, who was coming home that evening, telling me that his family was coming over to our house at 7:30 and bringing dinner. His sister and her family were in from out of town, and they hadn't seen our new house yet. I groaned. Sometimes it feels like I live in a model home. Because we're in the process of remodeling, very few things are in their rightful place, and it's hard to keep things clean all the time. So whenever another of his family members or friends decides to stop by and see the place, I deep clean so that it can at least look decent even though it's in transition.
So instead of going out to dinner with my dad, I had to rush home and get busy cleaning. I initially was thinking that I might not drink that day. I started off just being kind of annoyed that I had to clean and deal with all the family that night (did I mention I tend to be a bit anti social?). Then things got worse. We've had some issues with the pipes backing up in the last month or so. My dad had come over twice to snake them out, and everything had been fine for a few weeks. So I was doing a load of laundry and getting ready to clean the bathroom. I flushed the toilet, and the water didn't go down... let's just say, I REALLY wanted that water to go down!! I figured the washer must've gone into the rinse cycle and overloaded the pipes, so the first thing I did was turn it off. I tried to plunge the toilet and it started to back up into the shower, so I changed my tactic. I ran out to the store (it was pouring rain) and grabbed a big bottle of Drano. Poured half a bottle down the shower and half down the sink. It had to sit for awhile, so I proceeded to go ahead and clean the house.
About an hour later, I tried to flush the pipes with hot water. No good, still not going down. And I've got 9 people coming over in about 2 hours. And I'm not done cleaning. So back to the store, different brand of drain clearing stuff. Long story longer, that didn't work either. Thank goodness that we have another bathroom on the other side of the house (which is doubling as our kitchen sink right now!), which has a different sewer line and was functional. So I closed the door on the bathroom with the clogged toilet and put an Out of Order sign on it. Mr. Isolde's family was due to be over in about a half an hour, and his plane was running late, so it was up to me to play hostess and be social until he got here.
Well, I know it's not an excuse, but I was at my wit's end. I poured myself a drink. I didn't really beat myself up about it, because I hadn't decided whether or not I was going to be AF. It definitely helped to take the edge off. The family showed up just before 7:30, and Mr. Isolde didn't get home until almost 9. It went fine. I mean, I've known his family for over 4 years now, and I'm comfortable around them, but I come from a small family and I'm a quiet person, so that many people is a lot for me.
I probably did end up having more to drink than I needed to over the course of the evening. Had a cocktail before the family got here, a beer with dinner, and then later on, 2 cocktails before bed. It was spread out over 4 hours but I was going for numbness.
Yesterday I was back in AF mode. I came home knowing what I was going to make for dinner and some things I needed to get done. Then Mr. I and I had to run out to Home Depot and buy a faucet because we've got people coming to measure our kitchen for countertops. On the way home, we decided to pick up some Mexican take out. I fell into my old habits - beer goes well with Mexican take out. So I decided to have some beer. Though I hadn't been planning to drink originally, I stopped at 2, when normally I would've kept going. I really enjoyed the food, and I really enjoyed the beer. It's like it was back before my tolerance was through the roof.
So, now we're at today. It's after 10pm, and I've managed to stay AF. I fought myself a little bit. I came pretty close, but managed to get past it. Once I can get the first day or two under my belt, it gets easier. I reminded myself that I can't go back to drinking every day if I'm going to keep my blood pressure under control. And not gain back the few pounds I've lost (and probably put back on over the weekend!). I liked the more positive outlook I had last week and don't want to go back to being negative and cynical. I don't really have set plan for how many days I'm going to drink or not drink, I'm just taking it a day at a time.

Now I'm off to take some valerian and melatonin so I can get a good night's sleep. Even after a few AF days in a row last week, I found that I'm still not sleep great without some kind of assistance. Hopefully that will even out after awhile.

Good night, MWO!

[Isolde]

Isolde's Journey - beginning again

I feel totally yucky right now. I overdid it last night. I was feeling really good and happy while I was drinking and I just wanted that feeling to keep going. I really didn't think that I'd had that much, but I was holding one eye closed by the end of the night while trying to watch tv in bed because I was seeing double. What a terrible feeling.

After my 5 days in a row, I've only been able to have one AF day here and there. There are so many tools that could help me NOT drink (supplements, coming on here to post and read, having an AF drink instead, doing something to take my mind off of it, etc.), but when I get it in my head that I want to have a drink, it's like my brain just REFUSES to even think about them, because I don't want to be stopped from drinking.

I think part of the problem for me is that, quite frankly, I'm a happy drunk. And I tend to be rather grumpy and irritated sober (not all the time of course, but more often than not). I don't usually feel like crap the next day (today being the exception!). So there's really no big driving force telling me that I need to change my ways.

This morning I was thinking that while I'm feeling so yucky, I should sit down a write a letter to my future self, reminding her how she feels after a night of overdoing it and how AL keeps her from being productive and it's keeping her from reaching her goals and having the body that she wants to have, etc. If I'd had more time before I had to leave for work I would have done just that. But I'm trying to keep these things in my mind so that I can write it all down tonight.

Not having a plan in place was definitely not a good idea. The AL beast didn't WANT to have a plan in place, because it wanted to be able to sneak in and get its way. As others have said many times, abstaining is definitely easier than moderating. It leaves a lot less room to entertain the idea of "maybe I'll have a drink tonight". I'm thinking that I may just do an AF stint soon for a good period of time. 30 days maybe? I don't know, that sounds like a lot. I'm still undecided on how long, thinking of what may be coming up in the future that I would want to drink for. I know that's so counter productive, but part of me is just still not at that place where I WANT to change.
But this weekend is my BF's 30th birthday, and we've got a bunch of outings planned where drinking will definitely be involved. So I know I'm not ready to try and start a lengthy AF stint until after that. But what I will do is not drink tonight or tomorrow (Thursday night is the official beginning of the birthday weekend). And because I really do NOT want any of those mornings to feel like this morning, I will really try to moderate on the evenings that we do plan to drink.

That's the best that I can do right now.

[PhoenixRising]

Isolde's Journey - beginning again

Isolde, I was like you; if I wanted to drink, nothing would stop me. I also loved the buzz but ut's been a long time since I've felt it. I go from being sober to passing out with no good stuff in between. I used Bac to help me with the cravings and that's what finally helped for me. L-glutamine is also a huge help.

For the BP - try supplementing with magnesium. It really helped my blood pressure.

[Isolde]

Isolde's Journey - beginning again

Thanks for the response, Phoenix. The buzz was gone for me for awhile too, but after peppering in some AF time, it seems to have returned to some extent.
My cravings were really bad the last time I tried to mod, but now it seems I am doing it more out of habit than anything. Of course there is some level of craving involved in it, but not as intense as it was previously. Unfortunately I haven't noticed much difference when I took L-glutamine. I still have quite a bit left, so I may try it again. Good to help in recovery from working out, in any case (which I really need to start doing again!).
Thanks for the tip about the magnesium. I've got some at home. How much do you take daily for bp maintenance?

[Pride before Fall]

Isolde's Journey - beginning again

Hi Isolde,

I just read your thread, and I really could relate to that feeling that if I stopped drinking, I wouldn't have any fun anymore, or be any fun. This didn't jibe with what I was actually experiencing while drinking, which, when all was said and done, was not being happier, or wittier, or more interesting, or less shy (numbed shyness is not the same thing, and resulted in some words and actions I cringe to remember--those I can remember, that is); I was just drunk. It seemed like that might actually be closer to what you experience from your journal posts overall.

"The same amount of alcohol that used to make me feel really good just wasn't doing ANYthing at all anymore. I would just go from sober to having overdone it, with no in between."

"I was holding one eye closed by the end of the night while trying to watch tv in bed because I was seeing double. What a terrible feeling."

"quite frankly, I'm a happy drunk."

Maybe a good place to start would be to ask yourself how you really, deeply define happiness, and think about where alcohol fits into it. It might make the path a little clearer.

Best,

Pride

[PhoenixRising]

Isolde's Journey - beginning again

Isolde;936831 wrote:
Thanks for the tip about the magnesium. I've got some at home. How much do you take daily for bp maintenance?

750mg

[rie]

Isolde's Journey - beginning again

i tried to moderate my drinking, always thinking that i could control it--til it showed me that it controlled me. i'd also go from the 1st sip to drunk on my butt with little remembered in between.

as pride said, ask the questions and be honest with yourself. i hated waking in the morning and not knowing how many days i had lost. good luck!

[Isolde]

Isolde's Journey - beginning again

Pride, thanks for your thoughtful (and thought provoking) post. I think I will take your advice, and really think about how I define happiness. I think that, as most here have discovered, alcohol is really like a band-aid. It makes us feel good (sometimes!) for a bit, and makes us forget about the things in life that might not be going so well. But when it wears off, whatever issues that made us want to feel numb in the first place are still there. I have been rather unsatisfied and unhappy with a lot of things in my life lately, and I know that I won't have the energy or the desire to change those things while I'm drinking every night.

The ease of my 5 day AF stint a few weeks ago has disappeared. Every AF day is a struggle now, and I am generally not making it past more than 1 day AF, regardless of the plans I create for myself. So a few days ago I made my way to the meds section and started reading up on Baclofen. It wasn't being talked about back when I was giving Topamax a try 2 years ago, and I was curious what it was all about. Well, after much reading, I have since ordered Dr. Ameisen's book (should be here Monday), and 200 10mg Baclofen pills from 4RX (should be here sometime in September.. ? lol).

What really struck a chord with me right away is when I read that it also helps with anxiety. I recently made the connection that part of the reason that I drink is because I'm unable to relax, due to constant low level anxiety (and this includes social anxiety as well). Anxiety runs in my family (my dad and one of my brothers have both had very severe panic attacks, before they found the right mix of meds to help them). Luckily I don't experience it to that extreme, but it seems like I have a low level current of anxiety running through me the majority of the time. So it seems like Bac would be a good match for me, like a 1-2 punch to my alcohol cravings. I've even created a spreadsheet with a sample titration schedule (thanks to all of Zenstyle's informative posts in the meds section!!), and I'm prepared to go as high as I need to in order to nix the desire to drink.

I'm excited. I'm hopeful that having the aid of the Bac will be the extra help that I need to nix the alcohol abuse. There were times with Topamax that I did feel indifferent towards alcohol, which was so refreshing, but I couldn't take the side effects of the high doses. I'm hoping that I will get to experience that again with the Bac, and if it helps me feel more relaxed and less anxious/obsessive, that would be icing on the cake.

I'm looking forward to posting my experiences with it! urgirl:

[Isolde]

Isolde's Journey - beginning again

Well, 3 weeks later and I finally got my bac this past Wednesday! It's probably really too early to tell, but I've been feeling pretty good the last couple of days. I didn't drink the last 2 nights. From everything I read, people get to the switch on bac faster by being AF, so I felt that as incentive to not drink on Wednesday night. Last night I was kind of tempted, but it was really more habit than craving. I kept putting it off, telling myself I could have one later if I really wanted it. I liked the way I felt yesterday after having not had any AL the night before, and I wanted to feel good again today. So I decided just not to drink. I don't think the bac is really affecting my cravings yet, but it's giving me good motivation. I think I did go through a "last hurrah" period the past few weeks.

So far I am really liking the way that I've been feeling on the bac. I took 10 mg Wednesday night, then 20 mg yesterday, late morning and late afternoon. I kind of feel more relaxed and more energetic at the same time. It's been a bit busy at work, so maybe that has something to do with it too, as I prefer to be busy. Wednesday night I slept like a rock, and last night pretty good, but not as good as the night before. I'm not really getting any sleepiness yet, thankfully. I'm hoping I can be one of those people that actually feels a kind of energetic "high" on bac. So far it seems to be going that way, but who knows what will happen at higher doses.

Tomorrow Mr. Isolde and I are having a bunch of people over for some football games, and I do plan to drink some. I'm not sure if I should take the bac as normal, or maybe just have 10mg in the morning and that's it. I've read so many horror stories of how bac intensifies the AL and gives really wretched hangovers. I don't want to start off on that foot!

Anyway, that's my update. I'm feeling very optimistic and hopeful about this and will do my best to be more AF than not while titrating up.

I'm on my way! :racer:

[Seethepony]

Isolde's Journey - beginning again

Once you start taking Baclofen you should carry on taking it as planned - and take the hangovers from hell as they come. Otherwise there's no way you will titrate up properly (golly, I wish there was another word for that!)

The horrible hangovers -- which feel like twelve hangovers crammed into one -- are, at least in my experience, one of the things that kept me off the booze for a few days, giving the Baclofen the opportunity to do its magic. And I reckon that it is close to magic. I've had 4 beers during the past 8 days; a freakishly tiny amount of alcohol given my monstrous habits.

In short, if you want baclofen to work, you have to take it!

[Isolde]

Isolde's Journey - beginning again

Seethepony, you are right. I can't pick and choose when I take bac, depending on if I'm going to drink or not, if I want it to work! So I went ahead and took the full dose on Saturday (only 20 mg right now). I was really careful wtih how much I drank at the beginning, and was careful to space it out and drink a lot of water. But even after my 2nd afternoon dose, I was still feeling pretty good, and I ended up drinking a little bit more in the evening. More than I really should have, but over the course of the day, the amount was much less than I normally would have drank.

Last night I just wasn't as smart as I should've been. We had so much alcohol left over from the party on Saturday, that for some reason I felt I should drink some of it. I didn't really go over-board, it was 4 drinks over a few hours, but I didn't feel too hot when I woke up this morning.

The better mood and increased energy I was feeling from the bac only lasts so long as I don't drink. As the last 2 days I've felt sort of mentally yucky, and anxious. Which is the exact opposite of what I want to be feeling! So that's good motivation for me to really try to be as much AF as possible.

I'm really hoping that bac will help with my anxiety, which extends into so many areas of my life. There's something else I'm looking into though, if it doesn't do what I'm hoping in that regard. Propranolol is a non-selective beta blocker, which I recently looked into for my boyfriend, who has to deal with high stress situations at work that causes him to have physical reactions of heart palpitations, sweaty palms, flushing, etc. It's mostly used for hypertension and migraine headaches, but one of the off-label uses is for performance anxiety. It's insanely cheap to order online, only a couple of bucks from River! As I was researching that for him, I read that it can also be used for GAD (generalized anxiety disorder). So that's something I may look into for myself if bac doesn't deliver as much relief as I'd like.