Hello everyone!
I've written many things about the psychological repair work I've been doing. Many of you have replied that some of the things I've written have sounded a note with you as well. In particular, the things written about the drinking self, the sober self, and the child self.
A lot of this has been assembled from reading I've done, and audio programs listened to. In an effort to get at the core of my drinking behavior in the past, it became apparent that deeper understanding was needed. Exercise, dietary supplements, meditation, and positive social reinforcement are all key elements. No one thing could be left out in my case. Although I don't use prescription medications to help myself, I realize that they can be a key element for others.
The reason for this post, is a point becoming more and more apparent, as the healing continues. Months and months of sobriety can be achieved, as I have found in the past. However, unless certain core elements in the deepest realms of the self are brought to light, and addressed, then I always fell back into the drink.
I realize that these things are different for everyone. Traumas, bad childhood events, and difficulties in puberty are contributing things in many a persons make-up. They are in most cases, intensely personal, and certainly not the fodder for a public forum. They are those things, that we must ultimately face alone in the end it seems. No one was there, except us, and only we as individuals can understand it.
Some things we can relate to others, and some things are just too personal and terrible to talk about. Many can turn to close personal friends, and some can tell them to psychological professionals. In the darkest caverns, many turn to their religious faith, and confess sins and the oppressions of others to a higher power. I have done these things as well.
The idea I wanted to convey here is a conceptual one. A few years ago, I was reading a book about eastern religions, and something came up. It compared the search for the core of ones being, with peeling the layers of an onion away to find what was at the core. You wonder, whats at the center of this thing? So you begin tearing away the layers, and discard them. At the end you find that there is no prize, or magic core. The layers WERE the onion.
So, I guess what I wanted to relate to the members here is this. It is both a great and humbling experience to search the inner self for those things. At times it's terrifying, and sometimes very painful memories have come out. I find that while I'm "tearing" a layer of myself away, it's necessary not to rip it away with abandon with the intention to discard it. Carefully remove it, and set it aside in some sort of order. A written record or diary of the self-analysis is valuable, and at this point, it's only for me to refer to. I have no intention of ever letting anyone else see it.
You see, after I get to center of the onion, I will probably re-assemble the thing now knowing how it's put together. If the booze demon rears it's ugly head again to taunt me, at least I will know where the weak spots are, and have a map of the territory.
I've done this "psycho-analysis" on my own. I feel that as I approach my own one year point, that I'm also approaching a point where no more disassembly needs to be done. Hopefully, with more time, and more understanding and insight, I can begin to put it all back together in a new and better way. It may take a long time.
These things take a little time sometimes. I am hopeful these days, in a way I have never been before in my entire life.
It is worth it. That's what I really want to say. It's worth it.
Neil
I've written many things about the psychological repair work I've been doing. Many of you have replied that some of the things I've written have sounded a note with you as well. In particular, the things written about the drinking self, the sober self, and the child self.
A lot of this has been assembled from reading I've done, and audio programs listened to. In an effort to get at the core of my drinking behavior in the past, it became apparent that deeper understanding was needed. Exercise, dietary supplements, meditation, and positive social reinforcement are all key elements. No one thing could be left out in my case. Although I don't use prescription medications to help myself, I realize that they can be a key element for others.
The reason for this post, is a point becoming more and more apparent, as the healing continues. Months and months of sobriety can be achieved, as I have found in the past. However, unless certain core elements in the deepest realms of the self are brought to light, and addressed, then I always fell back into the drink.
I realize that these things are different for everyone. Traumas, bad childhood events, and difficulties in puberty are contributing things in many a persons make-up. They are in most cases, intensely personal, and certainly not the fodder for a public forum. They are those things, that we must ultimately face alone in the end it seems. No one was there, except us, and only we as individuals can understand it.
Some things we can relate to others, and some things are just too personal and terrible to talk about. Many can turn to close personal friends, and some can tell them to psychological professionals. In the darkest caverns, many turn to their religious faith, and confess sins and the oppressions of others to a higher power. I have done these things as well.
The idea I wanted to convey here is a conceptual one. A few years ago, I was reading a book about eastern religions, and something came up. It compared the search for the core of ones being, with peeling the layers of an onion away to find what was at the core. You wonder, whats at the center of this thing? So you begin tearing away the layers, and discard them. At the end you find that there is no prize, or magic core. The layers WERE the onion.
So, I guess what I wanted to relate to the members here is this. It is both a great and humbling experience to search the inner self for those things. At times it's terrifying, and sometimes very painful memories have come out. I find that while I'm "tearing" a layer of myself away, it's necessary not to rip it away with abandon with the intention to discard it. Carefully remove it, and set it aside in some sort of order. A written record or diary of the self-analysis is valuable, and at this point, it's only for me to refer to. I have no intention of ever letting anyone else see it.
You see, after I get to center of the onion, I will probably re-assemble the thing now knowing how it's put together. If the booze demon rears it's ugly head again to taunt me, at least I will know where the weak spots are, and have a map of the territory.
I've done this "psycho-analysis" on my own. I feel that as I approach my own one year point, that I'm also approaching a point where no more disassembly needs to be done. Hopefully, with more time, and more understanding and insight, I can begin to put it all back together in a new and better way. It may take a long time.
These things take a little time sometimes. I am hopeful these days, in a way I have never been before in my entire life.
It is worth it. That's what I really want to say. It's worth it.
Neil
Comment