Hi, those of you who know me will know that things have not been travelling well on my life front....and being the good ole alkie I am I have allowed myself a drink (or two) not anything like the levels I had stooped too but from what you are about to read well definitely enough. This is from my son who like me is currently homeless, he is couch surfing with friends, I have just found a boarding house and a job.
Hi mum.
I just thought i should get out in the air what your drinking does to you from my point of view.
It changes you into someone else, someone who is mean and hurtful and gloats when other people are hurting.
All I wanted tonight was to talk to you about how I felt, how I am scared and alone and in a very dark place with no one to light my way for me, and i wanted you to listen, I wanted you to promise to hug me and let my cry, I wanted you to promise me a big bowl of ice cream to feel me better like those times you did when i was just a kid and i was hurt or had been bullied.
I wanted you to be my mum.
Instead I got you when you had been drinking, I can hear it in your voice you see, I knew even before you told me about it when i came to visit you in circular quay, I was just waiting for you to tell me.
You said that he was an asshole and that you "told me so" and that maybe I should listen to you more and your not so stupid after all.
I can't help my heart mum, just like you couldn't with Collan, and I never said I told you so, I sat there and held you and told you I love you and that you wern't stupid for falling for him and that you where smart and funny and he was an idiot for not seeing the amazing woman in-front of him. I held the light for you because I love you and i hate seeing you hurt.
You hurt my so much mum, you made me feel small and stupid.
Everyone I love seems to hurt me so much Mum.
Alan, you and maff.. and I am starting to wish that i couldn't love because it hurts so much.
You say so many hurtful things when your drunk, but I will not stop loving you because I have seen who you actually are.
You are bright, funny, smart, brilliant and compassionate.
I know you love me because when your like this I can -feel- it and -hear- it in everything you do or say to me.
When I came to help you move, when we were alone, I felt it then when you hugged me.
I just want my mum back, because if i had her when i called tonight, she would have listened, she would have told me that I'm not an idiot and that I am smart and funny and that hes the idiot for not seeing the amazing young man in front of him, You would hold the light and lead me out of the dark because thats what people who love each other do for one another, we share in every triumph and we show our precious people that the tragedies that befall them arn't the end of the world and that there is light, that there is still hope out there even when we think there is none left.
What I got was an old drunk woman who is bitter and only cares that something she did not approve off came to an end not matter how much the people closest to her hurt because of her, I got "I told you so".
This isn't the first time I have had this kind of hurt from you, you told me once that "If you screw this up for me I'll kill you".
It wasn't the i will kill you that hurt, It was the fact that you thought i would intentionally not try my hardest for something important to you, that i would intentionally screw something up.
I hurt mum, I hurt so much and I feel all i have left is Despair.
I am hurt.
I am alone.
I am lost in a very very dark place and do not know which way to go.
Please let me have my mum back, because I need someone to light the way forward and I would really like it if I could find her again, and have her give me a hug and a big bowl of ice-cream to feel me better and to have her just listen and tell me that I am smart and funny and brave and handsome.
That I am not alone.
That I do not have to travel the dark places of the world alone ever again.
That if by some chance I do feel lost all I have to do is ask and there will be a willingly listener and a warm hug waiting for me.
I love you mum, so so much.
Please please please stop drinking,
I want you to be the bright and funny mother I remember that would always listen no matter what the problem was big or small.
Most of all, I want a hug, I want you to chase all the fears away if only for a little while.
Please don't leave me out in the cold alone, everyone I have loved, everyone that I have ever trusted to get close to me or be close to me has already left me there.
I love you, please remember that, and know I will never stop.
Hi mum.
I just thought i should get out in the air what your drinking does to you from my point of view.
It changes you into someone else, someone who is mean and hurtful and gloats when other people are hurting.
All I wanted tonight was to talk to you about how I felt, how I am scared and alone and in a very dark place with no one to light my way for me, and i wanted you to listen, I wanted you to promise to hug me and let my cry, I wanted you to promise me a big bowl of ice cream to feel me better like those times you did when i was just a kid and i was hurt or had been bullied.
I wanted you to be my mum.
Instead I got you when you had been drinking, I can hear it in your voice you see, I knew even before you told me about it when i came to visit you in circular quay, I was just waiting for you to tell me.
You said that he was an asshole and that you "told me so" and that maybe I should listen to you more and your not so stupid after all.
I can't help my heart mum, just like you couldn't with Collan, and I never said I told you so, I sat there and held you and told you I love you and that you wern't stupid for falling for him and that you where smart and funny and he was an idiot for not seeing the amazing woman in-front of him. I held the light for you because I love you and i hate seeing you hurt.
You hurt my so much mum, you made me feel small and stupid.
Everyone I love seems to hurt me so much Mum.
Alan, you and maff.. and I am starting to wish that i couldn't love because it hurts so much.
You say so many hurtful things when your drunk, but I will not stop loving you because I have seen who you actually are.
You are bright, funny, smart, brilliant and compassionate.
I know you love me because when your like this I can -feel- it and -hear- it in everything you do or say to me.
When I came to help you move, when we were alone, I felt it then when you hugged me.
I just want my mum back, because if i had her when i called tonight, she would have listened, she would have told me that I'm not an idiot and that I am smart and funny and that hes the idiot for not seeing the amazing young man in front of him, You would hold the light and lead me out of the dark because thats what people who love each other do for one another, we share in every triumph and we show our precious people that the tragedies that befall them arn't the end of the world and that there is light, that there is still hope out there even when we think there is none left.
What I got was an old drunk woman who is bitter and only cares that something she did not approve off came to an end not matter how much the people closest to her hurt because of her, I got "I told you so".
This isn't the first time I have had this kind of hurt from you, you told me once that "If you screw this up for me I'll kill you".
It wasn't the i will kill you that hurt, It was the fact that you thought i would intentionally not try my hardest for something important to you, that i would intentionally screw something up.
I hurt mum, I hurt so much and I feel all i have left is Despair.
I am hurt.
I am alone.
I am lost in a very very dark place and do not know which way to go.
Please let me have my mum back, because I need someone to light the way forward and I would really like it if I could find her again, and have her give me a hug and a big bowl of ice-cream to feel me better and to have her just listen and tell me that I am smart and funny and brave and handsome.
That I am not alone.
That I do not have to travel the dark places of the world alone ever again.
That if by some chance I do feel lost all I have to do is ask and there will be a willingly listener and a warm hug waiting for me.
I love you mum, so so much.
Please please please stop drinking,
I want you to be the bright and funny mother I remember that would always listen no matter what the problem was big or small.
Most of all, I want a hug, I want you to chase all the fears away if only for a little while.
Please don't leave me out in the cold alone, everyone I have loved, everyone that I have ever trusted to get close to me or be close to me has already left me there.
I love you, please remember that, and know I will never stop.
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