My ex partner called me yesterday to tell me the shocking news that her younger sister had been admitted to hospital suffering with (what I can only imagine as) severe psychosis brought on by her alcohol and drug misuse. I was told she turned up at my ex's other sister's house around 9am yesterday morning in the pouring down rain, bare footed and delusional with severe hallucinations and also hearing voices. When my ex's sister phoned an ambulance and took her to the hospital she 'freaked out' and had to be sedated. She came round late this afternoon but is showing no signs of improvement at present.
I guess the reason I'm sharing this is that although I was extremely saddened by the news and felt the pain and sadness in my ex partners voice, I was also effected indirectly as well. It was a harsh reality check for me. Without physically getting back into the arena again, this incident tapped into so much of my own personal stuff that I couldn't help but feel even more off balance myself last night.
The fact is each and every day I am challenged by something that can mirror in me some past event, situation, thought, feeling etc that I will have to deal with. In the past this is where the vicious cycle would occur where I would use substances to cope with the feelings that were brought up. More often than not the feeling would not be fully recognised because fear kicked in and stopped me dead. "Quick reach for the drink/drug and ease the fear as quick as you can!" would be the prominent thought. So fear was usually the only emotion I regonised. I had no idea what lied behind that fear because I wasn't willing to face it and go underneath the fear and find out what was driving it. It takes a lot of courage to do that and I was not ready to do that then. This is where I believe I had to go to depths of despair beyond the mental and physical and into the spiritual realm. It's very much a realm I prefer to deal with today though. I'm not denying I still have to address my mental state and change my thought process. I'm not saying I don't need to take care of myself physically and look after my health as well. But for me personally, on a spiritual level I deal with real feelings. When I'm not in my head trying to think of the solutions and I just feel what it is I'm feeling I can allow myself not to be consumed with the feeling. It's almost like I can take the feeling out of me, look at it, recognise it, understand where it comes from and place it back inside me. I still have to deal with it, I can't just throw it away. But it's lost a lot of it's power over me and so rather than it consume me, I consume it.
Last night was tough though because it tapped into something very deep for me that took me a long while to recognise. I knew the mirror was there in front of me but it was very misty. I've been off key for a few weeks now to be honest and it all boils down to my own insecurities and fears around my future. I've been isolating big time again. I'm not phoning people and talking to friends on a regular basis as I once was. I haven't meditated, said prayers or been grateful for the simple things in my life. I've had my daughter staying with me again this last week and it's been totally different than the last time she stayed with me for a week. I've been short tempered with her, I've been distant, I've put off doing things and in general I haven't felt very connected with her at all this past week. All this because I'm insecure and I've let that consume me.
I guess though the real healing started when I heard the news last night from me ex partner concerning her sister. That started a process that allowed me to start feeling what was really going on for me through tapping into something in my past. I've said many a time that my past is my greatest asset, as from there I can heal and move forwards. Sometimes it takes something as drastic as this for me demystify the mirror though and feel what's really going on.
I had a good day with Jasmine today!
Many Blessings
Phil
I guess the reason I'm sharing this is that although I was extremely saddened by the news and felt the pain and sadness in my ex partners voice, I was also effected indirectly as well. It was a harsh reality check for me. Without physically getting back into the arena again, this incident tapped into so much of my own personal stuff that I couldn't help but feel even more off balance myself last night.
The fact is each and every day I am challenged by something that can mirror in me some past event, situation, thought, feeling etc that I will have to deal with. In the past this is where the vicious cycle would occur where I would use substances to cope with the feelings that were brought up. More often than not the feeling would not be fully recognised because fear kicked in and stopped me dead. "Quick reach for the drink/drug and ease the fear as quick as you can!" would be the prominent thought. So fear was usually the only emotion I regonised. I had no idea what lied behind that fear because I wasn't willing to face it and go underneath the fear and find out what was driving it. It takes a lot of courage to do that and I was not ready to do that then. This is where I believe I had to go to depths of despair beyond the mental and physical and into the spiritual realm. It's very much a realm I prefer to deal with today though. I'm not denying I still have to address my mental state and change my thought process. I'm not saying I don't need to take care of myself physically and look after my health as well. But for me personally, on a spiritual level I deal with real feelings. When I'm not in my head trying to think of the solutions and I just feel what it is I'm feeling I can allow myself not to be consumed with the feeling. It's almost like I can take the feeling out of me, look at it, recognise it, understand where it comes from and place it back inside me. I still have to deal with it, I can't just throw it away. But it's lost a lot of it's power over me and so rather than it consume me, I consume it.
Last night was tough though because it tapped into something very deep for me that took me a long while to recognise. I knew the mirror was there in front of me but it was very misty. I've been off key for a few weeks now to be honest and it all boils down to my own insecurities and fears around my future. I've been isolating big time again. I'm not phoning people and talking to friends on a regular basis as I once was. I haven't meditated, said prayers or been grateful for the simple things in my life. I've had my daughter staying with me again this last week and it's been totally different than the last time she stayed with me for a week. I've been short tempered with her, I've been distant, I've put off doing things and in general I haven't felt very connected with her at all this past week. All this because I'm insecure and I've let that consume me.
I guess though the real healing started when I heard the news last night from me ex partner concerning her sister. That started a process that allowed me to start feeling what was really going on for me through tapping into something in my past. I've said many a time that my past is my greatest asset, as from there I can heal and move forwards. Sometimes it takes something as drastic as this for me demystify the mirror though and feel what's really going on.
I had a good day with Jasmine today!
Many Blessings
Phil
awprint: RUBY Imagine yourself doing What you love and loving What you do, Being happy From the inside Out, experiencing your Dreams wide awake, 
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