How do I tell my husband?

[VegasGirl]

I posted in my earlier thread about my indiscretions and I am now seeking help from my doctor about getting on topamax. But since I have been trying not to drink I feel more guilty than ever about cheating on my husband, I love him and dont wanna lose him. I dont think I can hold this inside and not tell him.
Does anyone have any experience with this I just dont know how to bring it up?

[Doggygirl]

How do I tell my husband?

Hi Vegasgirl. All I have learned about making amends with people that I have hurt through my drinking I learned in AA. I'm sure that's not the only way to go about it.

First off, I learned to hold off on attempting to make any amends until some healing and learning took place. Actual making of amends does not take place until Step 9 in AA. There is good reason for that. We can make more messes if we are too hasty. It can also be very selfish to "come clean" for something bad we have done (i.e. cheating on a spouse). We might feel relieved to have it off our chest, but it might deeply hurt the other person. Step 9 says:

"Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."

Whether one subsribes to AA's philosophy or not, I think there is something to the idea of being cautious when it comes to causing further hurt to those we love. Since you are asking for input, I only suggest that you maybe take a little time with this, and maybe seek help from a counselor or someone like that who can guide you through.

My circumstances are not exactly the same as yours, but there are a couple of things that after long discussion with my sponsor, it was decided that the best course of action is to let the sleeping dog lie. I'm not saying that is the right thing in your situation - just make sure before you go there.

Strength and hope to you. The good news is that life will get SOOO much better without AL in the picture.

DG

[rubywillow]

How do I tell my husband?

Doggy gave great advice. I've been married 40 years today. Anything that MAY have happened during that time, I don't want to know. It's been my experience that people can forgive, but can't unring the bell. It's there, always. I don't know your relationship, but I CAN tell you the affect it would have on my husband if I told him something like that. He would always look at me with a question in his eyes.
Take one hurdle at a time for now. Maybe one day will be the right time. If not, it's your cross to bear, not his. Be the best, most faithful and loving wife you can be right now. Wishing you well.

[Ringing Cedars]

How do I tell my husband?

No experience with this, but great posts ladies.

Some wise words VegasGirl. Wishing you the best on your journey.

[havefaith]

How do I tell my husband?

Vegasgirl,
Ok- Here is my expererience, My husband & I run in some pretty tight circles( and although he didn't know this guy, I didn't really either, in my gut I thought he was going to find out through somebody else.) So I told him what happened, and since then we have been going through therapy.
I am glad I did for two reasons. 1st & foremost was the GUILT! 2nd- I would of been devasted if he found out through someone else.You do what's best for you.

[Sunnyvalenting]

How do I tell my husband?

My advice: Don't tell him about the infidelity at least right now. I would discuss this with a competent therapist and get some abstinence and confidence under your belt before you even consider it if at all. If, as you say, the reason for telling him is the discomfort you feel right now then your motives need to be considered. Why burden him? Also I think his anger would likely make you feel even more guilty. You have every right and reason to feel guilty. Use that guilt as a motivation to change your behavoir. Just don't unload that on the innocent partner. IMO
Sunny

[PhoenixRising]

How do I tell my husband?

I agree with Ruby and Sunny. Unless there is a chance he'd find out some other way, let sleeping dogs lie and be the best you can be from here on out. *IF* there's no change he'd find out.

I found out my husband was writing steamy emails (of the "I need to f*** you now" type) to a former affair partner (of his 1st wife, not me). It's been 5 years and I still don't trust him.

Be careful.

[hart]

How do I tell my husband?

I wouldn't tell him. I agree with Doggy girl and the AA philosophy on that matter. It will hurt your husband and you can't undue what was done. What you can do is realize how you feel now, the guilt, the regret, and don't ever do it again.

I would not lie, though. If your husband ever suspected and asked I would then tell him. Funnily enuf, I would forgive my hubby easier for having sex outside our marriage than if he lied to me about it. But that's me...

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

How do I tell my husband?

Vegasgirl I thought you might like a mans perspective on this. In my opinion telling him you may ease your feelings of guilt but it will almost certainly cause him unnecessary pain. Sometimes it is kinder to say nothing and I agree 100% with Doggygirls post, give this some time before doing or saying anything. The last thing you need right now, with your efforts to get clean, is a relationship break up at worst, or a major argument and recriminations being flung around at best.

[FallonsMom]

How do I tell my husband?

Don't tell him!!! If he cheated on you do you think he would tell you?

[PortabelloRoad]

How do I tell my husband?

PhoenixRising;941776 wrote: I agree with Ruby and Sunny. Unless there is a chance he'd find out some other way, let sleeping dogs lie and be the best you can be from here on out. *IF* there's no change he'd find out.

I found out my husband was writing steamy emails (of the "I need to f*** you now" type) to a former affair partner (of his 1st wife, not me). It's been 5 years and I still don't trust him.

Be careful.

I can't quite work this out. Is this another man after the one you told me about? I thought you lost your husband 10 years ago. I'm sorry if I've misunderstood.

Mags

[PhoenixRising]

How do I tell my husband?

PortabelloRoad;941858 wrote: I can't quite work this out. Is this another man after the one you told me about? I thought you lost your husband 10 years ago. I'm sorry if I've misunderstood.

Mags

I remarried 5 years after I lost my husband.

[Rusty]

How do I tell my husband?

Phoenix,

I have never been married and this might sound kind of cheesy to you but I read the Dear Abby column and your same situation happened to this woman. She had been unfaithful years ago and was overwhelmed with guilt, and wondered if she should tell him. Dear Abby (the original....not her daughter) said what DG said, "Let sleeping dogs lie....don't tell him....you would hurt your husband, you made a mistake and now just bringing it up would unfairly hurt him." If he does ask, I guess be truthful, and yes, use this as a way to change your behavior and be the best person you can be. We all do stupid things when we are under the influence, unfortunately, we don't recognize it at the time. I include myself in the "we" portion of this statement.

[PortabelloRoad]

How do I tell my husband?

Sorry

Guess I haven't quite got the hang of this yet.

So sorry
Mags

[PhoenixRising]

How do I tell my husband?

Rusty;941884 wrote: Phoenix,

I have never been married and this might sound kind of cheesy to you but I read the Dear Abby column and your same situation happened to this woman. She had been unfaithful years ago and was overwhelmed with guilt, and wondered if she should tell him. Dear Abby (the original....not her daughter) said what DG said, "Let sleeping dogs lie....don't tell him....you would hurt your husband, you made a mistake and now just bringing it up would unfairly hurt him." If he does ask, I guess be truthful, and yes, use this as a way to change your behavior and be the best person you can be. We all do stupid things when we are under the influence, unfortunately, we don't recognize it at the time. I include myself in the "we" portion of this statement.

Thanks Ruysty. The original poster was VegasGirl, I was just correcting Mags about my post.
Confusing stuff..