how did it start

[spuddleduck]

i was having a chat with mr spuds discussing my drinking and we were trying to work out when and why my 'bad' drinking began and i couldnt come up with answers. i didnt drink much in my teens/twenties but when i did i usually drank too much/binged, often for confidence when going out. it was in my mid thirties when it really got a grip and i started drinking for all the wrong reasons. i know i got really out of control when my partner and i were running a pub ( REALLY BAD IDEA) but i had started on the slippery slope before then. anyone got any insight as to why/how/when their drinking became out of control. i know its like locking the door after the horse has bolted but i think its interesting to identify this, possibly to be able to identify/ help others in these early stages

[tiptronic_ct]

how did it start

Looking back, it began when I started drinking alone - age 18. By 21, I was knocking back about a bottle of wine a night - each and every night. It happened lightning fast, but it took me many many years to realise it..

[Kimberley]

how did it start

Hi Spuds,
Interesting topic. I have often tried to pinpoint where the turning point was. I was always one of the heavier drinkers socially among my friends - I never seemed to get sick and was always the first to finish a pint.

But one clear incident sticks out in my mind which I think made the turn onto the slippery slope. I remember when I was 17 and I went over to my friend's house to see her. I could hear screaming through the door and she wouldn't open it for ages. When she did, I saw she was crying and she told me to go. I think her bf had been hitting her. I remember going home and feeling sick with worry - and for some reason decided I'd nick some of my ma's (only touched by guests) scotch. I remember feeling instantly better when I'd had it.

It's funny that this sticks out in my mind, as it seemed to switch a lightbulb on for me - ah, this stuff is not just for having fun/being silly, it also helps with pain.

Then when I started to become agoraphobic/social phobic/severely depressed, I had an instant answer, hey. It's funny to think it could all have hinged on that experience. I'd be interested to hear others' stories.

Kx

[hillsidetime]

how did it start

Hi Spuds, cool idea for a thread. I certainly drank on weekends since I was about 14, through high school and university. For me, the bad drinking started when I got married and I began to feel boxed in. My wife would party etc before we got married, but after, she didn't, and she would get really mad at me when I got drunk at a party. (she probably was right all along) Anyway, I think I would drink more on those occasions because of that control I felt she was putting on me. After we started having kids my wife suffered post parpartum depression for years, and that is when I started drinking heavily. My relationship was in very bad shape, my wife was ill, and I escaped by drinking. By Wednesday night, I was drinking. I still worked, but I would be tired and sometimes hungover on Thursday and Friday. I would stay up late drinking and smoking cigars in my garage, by myself on weekend nights. I was drinking at least 40 beer (Canadian beer) a week, plus wine and other spirits at supper or elsewhere. Sheri says it well, I was also fading away physically, spiritually, emotionally, professionally ... at my own hand. I am 6 and 1/2 months sober and loving it. It is not easy, but it is so worthwhile.
Hill

[mama bear]

how did it start

I was always a "normal" social drinker untiil the past few years. My husband had a very sucessful busines and made over 6 figures a year. I had a flourishing career and two great kids. Life was great and I took it for granted that it would always last. The business started to falter due to the economy and finally went completely under. Our home was in foreclosure. we had to file bankruptcy. we had to sell things just to stay afloat. Hubs became distant. Then my job changed due to a corporate takeover and i found my self working in a new enviroment that i despise.....blah, blah, blah....
the fact remains I am rsponsible for my choices and I am trying to chose to be a great wife and Mom and not let the demon get me...and you know what...since I have joined MWO and made some new friends and family here.....I am starting to beat the demon more than he beats me.....

[Doggygirl]

how did it start

Spuds, I really think there is something to the theory that we are a bit "wired" for alcoholism. I "used" alcohol for all the typical stuff - socializing, etc. etc. But I LOVED it from the very start and focused more on drinking than on other things from early on. It's just different from how "normies" connect with alcohol. They might use alcohol for the same reasons (i.e. loosening up socially) but they stop. I don't. My inability to stop certainly progressed over time but I think was there all along. I too have thought about this a lot and I believe I was on the alcoholic path from the moment I first drank, and then decided to keep doing it.

It doesn't really matter at this point - what's done is done. Can't change the past - only this moment.

DG

[BellaC]

how did it start

Interesting topic, Spuds. I had my first drink at 17...at the time, my life was completely out of control. I won't go into it here, but I suddenly found myself alone in the world with great responsibilities on my shoulders and a lot of grief to deal with. It had me from the first sip...I loved it. Instant pain relief. I started drinking heavily almost from the start; but I thought that was normal for people my age. Then I started drinking alone and it started to spiral. But I would definitely say that it "started" the first time I drank. Had I not been in so much pain, I still believe I would have gotten hooked. I don't think I "crossed a line" after abusing alcohol a certain way for a certain amount of time; I think it was inevitable that I could never drink alcohol as the so-called "normies" do.

[Guest]

how did it start

This is a very good thread Spuddly. For many years I was asked by 'professionals' as well as peers how long I thought my drinking had been a problem. I'd only ever say the last ten years. I once heard my Mother say I'd been "drinking" since I was 15 and almost immediately went into severe defense mode.

Now I'm long term sober I'm having to face up to year, upon year of complete denial. You see I was ONLY a binge drinker and sometimes I might only drink once a week, once a month or during a couple of periods once in 3 or 4 months. Oh yeas, I did get very drunk experiencing blackouts, throwing up, having bad heads the next day, doing out of character things, waking up in strange places with strange people. But that is all normal isn't it?just young people out drinking.

Well I've learned - IT IS NOT NORMAL behaviour!!!!!The problem was my reaction with alcohol. I don't think I ever relaxed with just one glass of wine. If I did was was either exerting extreme self control at the time(which I often did when training or dieting etc), or I just couldn't get any more. Whenever I drank I just couldn't get enough. It was like complete and utter escape, and I used it to get through things that happened in life. Sure bad things did happen - abusive relationships(sexual, emotional and financial), parents divorcing, bullying at all stages of my life, bankruptcy. All sorts of things that I would then just go and drink on - even if I did save it til weekend. If I was unhappy with a boyfriend I'd just go out, get drunk and pull someone else. Never occured to me to talk to him about it, and of course by drinking and sleeping with someone else that showed how strong I was, that I wouldn't let him hurt me again etc etc etc. In fact my motto was "If anyone starts to hurt me I just get out"[and go get drunk].

So I've had to come to the painful conclusion, that I had a problem right from the start. It was only in the last 10 years that it started to have serious consequences for my life, although truth be told it was affecting me before that. Just in lesser ways - like having to piece together the previous night every Sunday morning or having to go home for a sleep inbetween 2 social events on one day. My excuse?"Well it's not everyday you have your own redundancy party, and my father's wedding gathering"basically I got drunk at the first during the afternoon, and had to have a 'rest' before going on to the night party. Someone 'normal' would have simply not got drunk at the earlier event. I was on black russians that night!!!!Because I didn't drink during the day, and didn't drink every weekend I thought I was ok.

This is the first time I've put this down in writing and I'm still not 100% believing it, but I know it is the truth.

[Doggygirl]

how did it start

UK, there was something freeing for me when I realized that my drinking had always been a problem and had never been "normal." (just the consequences and progression got more severe as you pointed out!) I don't think I became an alcoholic due to being "bad." It is helpful for me to believe that I am a sick person trying to get well - not a bad person trying to get good. It is also helpful to view it this way so there is no need to seek someone else to blame. (i.e. I became an alkie because my parents treated me badly or someone close to me died or whatever.) While a difficult situation certainly prompted me to drink MORE, it was not the cause of my alcoholism IMO.

DG

[Guest]

how did it start

DG

Yes it's getting to be the same for me, but only coming very slowly and painfully at the moment. I think once I fully accept everything that's happened I'll feel a whole lot better, but at the moment I still find it very painful to admit.

What I do know is that the only underlying reason I drink is because I'm alcoholic. Yes bad things have happened, and life is hard but each event didn't put a drink in my hand - only I chose to do that because I didn't know how else to deal with things. Now I've to learn how to deal with those things without alcohol.

[Doggygirl]

how did it start

Great posts Sheri and UK. Ditto ditto.

UK, you are doing so great and your brutal honesty with yourself will serve you well. Any deluded thinking or "softening of the truth" in my mind only serves to make my journey longer and more difficult. You are on the right track I think.

DG

[choice]

how did it start

I think I've always had a problem from the start with AL. I've been really focusing on this topic all week. I'm hanging in there right now as today is my day 7 AF. I think I have really started to scare myself in my 30's. I think I knew at 29 but I just found some people in their 30's who I could hang out with who drank a lot and told me it was okay. I gained endurance. I could drink all night and work all day. So I started to include drinking in my way of life routine... like happy hours, boozy afternoons, sunday funday, brunches.... drinking alone.... relating more with hard core drinkers and leaving my sober or very moderate drinking friends behind because I felt uncomfortable getting drunk around them. Honestly this week has been horrifying trying to pin point when this has become an issue and realizing it has always been a problem. I've played the blame game for years... I didn't even know it was a game. I've always had problems in relationships filled with drunken nights. Honestly at this point I can relate AL to most of my major upsets in my adult life.

I also think it's gotten worse when I tried to be moderate. My body just wanted it so bad after the first sip.... kinda making up for lost time... I'm not to sure but it's been hell trying to be moderate because I fail at it and I get so depressed the next day and I'm in so much physical pain that it takes days to recover now.... I'd stopped allowing myself to have the "hair of the dog" and gotten the shakes... It has scared me into not drinking... I've never been here before. I always thought what I was doing was okay or normal.... even the guilt... Honestly I think I've hit my tipping point. My drinking has become vicious... and once I start I can't drink fast enough and feel physical pain when I run out. My father had the same problem in his 30's and had to give up drinking all together. I never wanted that to happen to me because I loved it. I think it's in my chemical make up and I need to face facts...

[Doggygirl]

how did it start

:welcome: choice. I can relate to all that you said about hanging with the big drinkers, leaving my non drinking / moderate drinking friends behind, progressing into day drinking, and that feeling of never being able to get enough. That progression for me went on through my twenties and thirties. By my forties I could barely function work wise, was drinking on the job, and basically just wanted to isolate and drink alone at home. I wanted to kill myself.

Stop now and get off the crazy elevator before you end up in the basement.

DG

[1967]

how did it start

I started to get out of control after ending a bad marriage. I was able to control things for a good long while. Then I moved to Texas, knew no one & started drinking alone. I got myself under control because I had to take medicine & could not drink. Once I was off the medicine
I started back on the wine with a vengence. Now I either hardly drink at all or over do it. There doesn't seem to be much in between. And I still can't manage the idea of giving it up , yet know this is the only way to get myself under control. The 24 hr plan has worked in the past but I have to stay really focused.

[Sunnyvalenting]

how did it start

at first we drink because we like the high. We like how it makes us feel. Later we drink to avoid how we feel when we aren't drinking.
I knew from my first drink in my teens that I had the propensity to drink abusively. I hid it for a long time and then I fought it tooth and nail for awhile longer. Finally got sober with baclofen. Now I am totally indiferent to alcohol
What a relief
sunny