BACK IN FEBRUARY I STARTED TO TRY AND SORT OUT MY DRINKING PROBLEM AND STARTED WRITING A JOURNAL OF HOW I WAS GETTING ON. I WAS JUST READING IT LAST NIGHT AND THOUGHT I WOULD SHARE IT (ive copied it word for word so it?s a bit long and rambling)
FIX IT FEBRUARY
Ive had too much mess in my head for too long so fix it feb is gonna mend polly.
Aim - sort drinking
Sort bad thoughts/be positive
Smoking (but not crisis)
Tues 2nd
didn?t sleep well - too much rubbish whizzing about my head. Yesterday after wood work was really wanting a drink - didn?t - so pleased about that. Want to try do feb booze free. Lots of stuff in my head and I keep dwelling on the negative so I will replace with positive. Gonna go to docs and get thyroid test and tell him citaloprom not working.
Feel like a piece of elastic going boing boing stretch to limit them pop and wither back to goo and stay in bed. When I start doing things I get in a frenzy and cant calm down so then I have a drink- it calms me down a bit and then I get more frenzied. Effects of alcohol no doubt. When im pissed im a pretty crap person- have been told this many times - after I feel awful cos I cant remember ? of it and ive usually managed to either upset someone of make a total fool of myself. Left my bag in pub on sat night with my insulin and ?120 in. lucky I got it back intact. Thanks D. find it difficult to have couple of drinks and not go on a bender - think its called alcoholism. Only me can sort this out and that?s what im trying to do now.
Got to get sleep patterns back to sense cos that?s always a feel good thing.
Wed 3rd
So much for my good intent. Made app and went to docs. Having blood test for thyroid and liver function. Blood pressure sky high so doubled dose - o dear im falling to pieces. Went to F?s and shopping. I kept sloping off to pub for vodka, how bloody useless is that. I felt really wound up and scared of stuff- silly but true. We went round to P?s - he been done for drink driving. Hasn?t had a drink for two weeks. Wow if he can do it im damn sure I can. N has done it as well and im not sure if L has also conquered the demon drink.
Thurs 4th
My god did I want a drink today. Busy doing stuff - bit of tidying just felt too grrrrrrr arrrrrgh (only way to describe it) applied for job at petrol station with N - I was just giddy and babbling. Wanted a big swig of vodka to take the edge off. Went to B (job centre, shopping, mums)got back exhausted and totally frazzled - I would have got booze at shop but I didn?t. I controlled the urge. Silly but im pleased. 1 small step. CHANGE IS A JOURNEY NOT A MOMENT - GOTTA KEEP TRYING.
FRI 5th
Thinking this morning - all these pills im getting for blood pressure, cholesterol all say can have liver and kidney probs. How stupid am I drinking like a fish and expecting the docs to sort me out. Pleased I didn?t succumb yesterday. Hope I do the same today I WILL
Sat 6th
Well yes I managed Friday - very much think of drink in aft/early eve - doing loads of tiding - back room, good but I get so OTT I cant calm down - had pain pills - think they seem to take the edge off - that?s what I want from docs - just the edge taking off. Gonna be busy again today - smoking quite a lot but I can address that another day.
Sat 20th
Not been doing very well, not been drinking vodka so J is pleased. Have alcohol on mind a lot. it?s a bit like dieting cos you?re avoiding stuff its on mind more. Not drinking cos pissed off. More for having a break from thinking.
Yesterday had a good busy day cleaning etc. then got wine and got hammered - then wasted today under duvet. Got results from docs. Liver ok,thyroid ok - but pissed off about thyroid - was hoping that might be the answer to how I feel. Asked for something to take the edge off but he didn?t come up with anything. Drink shrink app got cancelled - was syked up for it. Not much to write as not much change. Def don?t seem to be able to just have 1 drink.
Sunday
Up early - snowing. Kept busy cleaning windows and stuff. Found a brill website - my way out. All about alcohol - forum with people who are trying to cut down/quit. Some great advice and lots of food for thought. Words of wisdom from people who have been here and come out the other side smiling and sober. Ive joined and gonna go on regularly. Reading that people feel exactly the same as me is good - felt like I was the only person like this. Also looked at site about catalopram. don?t think I have been giving I a chance by soaking it in booze. Going to bed feeling quite positive - fingers crossed.
Tues 23
Been on mwo. It strengthens my resolve reading stuff knowing people in same place as me - got app with drink shrink on thurs - terrified - it will be day 5 AF - got to do it though. Ive started now so this has to be it. Think I will buy a netbook so I can go on site all the time ?200 - that?s 20 weeks at ?10 a week. 3 bots of wine so actually it?s a lot less time than that as 3 bots is just the start. Got to be worth it
AND THE REST IS HISTORY. THANK YOU EVERYONE AT MWO
FIX IT FEBRUARY
Ive had too much mess in my head for too long so fix it feb is gonna mend polly.
Aim - sort drinking
Sort bad thoughts/be positive
Smoking (but not crisis)
Tues 2nd
didn?t sleep well - too much rubbish whizzing about my head. Yesterday after wood work was really wanting a drink - didn?t - so pleased about that. Want to try do feb booze free. Lots of stuff in my head and I keep dwelling on the negative so I will replace with positive. Gonna go to docs and get thyroid test and tell him citaloprom not working.
Feel like a piece of elastic going boing boing stretch to limit them pop and wither back to goo and stay in bed. When I start doing things I get in a frenzy and cant calm down so then I have a drink- it calms me down a bit and then I get more frenzied. Effects of alcohol no doubt. When im pissed im a pretty crap person- have been told this many times - after I feel awful cos I cant remember ? of it and ive usually managed to either upset someone of make a total fool of myself. Left my bag in pub on sat night with my insulin and ?120 in. lucky I got it back intact. Thanks D. find it difficult to have couple of drinks and not go on a bender - think its called alcoholism. Only me can sort this out and that?s what im trying to do now.
Got to get sleep patterns back to sense cos that?s always a feel good thing.
Wed 3rd
So much for my good intent. Made app and went to docs. Having blood test for thyroid and liver function. Blood pressure sky high so doubled dose - o dear im falling to pieces. Went to F?s and shopping. I kept sloping off to pub for vodka, how bloody useless is that. I felt really wound up and scared of stuff- silly but true. We went round to P?s - he been done for drink driving. Hasn?t had a drink for two weeks. Wow if he can do it im damn sure I can. N has done it as well and im not sure if L has also conquered the demon drink.
Thurs 4th
My god did I want a drink today. Busy doing stuff - bit of tidying just felt too grrrrrrr arrrrrgh (only way to describe it) applied for job at petrol station with N - I was just giddy and babbling. Wanted a big swig of vodka to take the edge off. Went to B (job centre, shopping, mums)got back exhausted and totally frazzled - I would have got booze at shop but I didn?t. I controlled the urge. Silly but im pleased. 1 small step. CHANGE IS A JOURNEY NOT A MOMENT - GOTTA KEEP TRYING.
FRI 5th
Thinking this morning - all these pills im getting for blood pressure, cholesterol all say can have liver and kidney probs. How stupid am I drinking like a fish and expecting the docs to sort me out. Pleased I didn?t succumb yesterday. Hope I do the same today I WILL
Sat 6th
Well yes I managed Friday - very much think of drink in aft/early eve - doing loads of tiding - back room, good but I get so OTT I cant calm down - had pain pills - think they seem to take the edge off - that?s what I want from docs - just the edge taking off. Gonna be busy again today - smoking quite a lot but I can address that another day.
Sat 20th
Not been doing very well, not been drinking vodka so J is pleased. Have alcohol on mind a lot. it?s a bit like dieting cos you?re avoiding stuff its on mind more. Not drinking cos pissed off. More for having a break from thinking.
Yesterday had a good busy day cleaning etc. then got wine and got hammered - then wasted today under duvet. Got results from docs. Liver ok,thyroid ok - but pissed off about thyroid - was hoping that might be the answer to how I feel. Asked for something to take the edge off but he didn?t come up with anything. Drink shrink app got cancelled - was syked up for it. Not much to write as not much change. Def don?t seem to be able to just have 1 drink.
Sunday
Up early - snowing. Kept busy cleaning windows and stuff. Found a brill website - my way out. All about alcohol - forum with people who are trying to cut down/quit. Some great advice and lots of food for thought. Words of wisdom from people who have been here and come out the other side smiling and sober. Ive joined and gonna go on regularly. Reading that people feel exactly the same as me is good - felt like I was the only person like this. Also looked at site about catalopram. don?t think I have been giving I a chance by soaking it in booze. Going to bed feeling quite positive - fingers crossed.
Tues 23
Been on mwo. It strengthens my resolve reading stuff knowing people in same place as me - got app with drink shrink on thurs - terrified - it will be day 5 AF - got to do it though. Ive started now so this has to be it. Think I will buy a netbook so I can go on site all the time ?200 - that?s 20 weeks at ?10 a week. 3 bots of wine so actually it?s a lot less time than that as 3 bots is just the start. Got to be worth it
AND THE REST IS HISTORY. THANK YOU EVERYONE AT MWO
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