Here I Go Again

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Here I Go Again

Nice post Jan.

[Mish]

Here I Go Again

:h K9, I relapsed on Tues/Wed and so I guess we're both on day 3 right now. You made it so much further than I did and I am kinda inspired by you. I'm not going to put any pressure on you by saying I'm going to keep up with you because I know each one of us is responsible for his/her own actions, but am going to follow your fantastic example and get right back on the horse. :thanks: for your courage.

Mishy:h

[Doggygirl]

Here I Go Again

ladyjan;956697 wrote: I am curious tho, to how many have had slips and not said anythng and have kept their AF time so as not to lose their image...!!

Ladyjan, I am sorry to hear that you had a slip. We need to always remember that as alcohlics, it is in our nature to drink. What is a miracle is when we don't! Slips happen. IMO they are potentially deadly so we have to take them seriously, but they happen as that is the nature of the beast we fight.

My active alcoholism was characterized by many things - one of them dishonesty. I lied all the time about many things, and in particular my drinking. (if I had drank, how much I had drank, whether I drank inappropriately, etc. etc. etc.)

If I continue that pattern of dishonesty in my quest for sobriety, I believe I will not be able to stay sober. I believe the person hurt by dishonesty about drinking is the drinker.

DG

[ladyjan]

Here I Go Again

Doggygirl;957090 wrote: Ladyjan, I am sorry to hear that you had a slip. We need to always remember that as alcohlics, it is in our nature to drink. What is a miracle is when we don't! Slips happen. IMO they are potentially deadly so we have to take them seriously, but they happen as that is the nature of the beast we fight.

My active alcoholism was characterized by many things - one of them dishonesty. I lied all the time about many things, and in particular my drinking. (if I had drank, how much I had drank, whether I drank inappropriately, etc. etc. etc.)

If I continue that pattern of dishonesty in my quest for sobriety, I believe I will not be able to stay sober. I believe the person hurt by dishonesty about drinking is the drinker.

DG

Hi DG,
Yep I was soo angry with myself for failing..as I turned it over and over in my head and of what I should do and how to manage my own reaction to my action, I totally could see that the only way to push forward was with complete honesty...
As you so rightly said one of our main traits throughout our drinking, is our driven dishonesty and coming up with all imaginable excuses & hiding places and self denial of our alcoholism...down right ingenious....well so we think...!!!
The only person we are kidding is the kidder..if we hide the fact that we are still drinking and claiming to be AF, is as you say only hurting the drinker...but I think that newbies and strugglers need to know it can happen, even to the strongest & oldies amongst us...we are human and it is a bitch to beat, just have to deal with it should it arise and not give up...

[momof3]

Here I Go Again

Hey K9,

I have a daughter who turned 13 on September 8th too!!

I had several relapses before I finally said ENOUGH. The last one was a humdinger. I picked my friend up for a jewelry party and was determined not to drink. I knew before I went that I was in a very vulnerable place. I drank myself into oblivion and do not remember most of the night. I was so full of dread the next morning and I finally "got it" that if I continued the way that I was, I would surely die eventually. I was stunned at how out of control I was that night when I drank even though once I decided to take that first one, I thought I could handle it. I started back on day one and I've never picked up a drink since then.

I also think that a huge shift in my sobriety came when I was about 4 mos AF. Up until that point, I was "white knuckling it." I realized that I had not replaced all of the energy that went into drinking into anything productive or worthwhile. There was a huge void in my life and I was feeling deprived by not being a able to drink. My life now is so full that there is no room for alcohol.

So, it's back on the wagon for you dear one. My advice would be to find time to carve out some "me time" and to explore your passion whatever that might be. You have what it takes.

M3

[mollyka]

Here I Go Again

Very interesting point Jan bout how many say nothing here when they have a 'slip'. Personally, I was (and still am a bit) very much in awe of the 'senior members' with so much AF time when I joined. At that time someone with as little as 6 weeks to me seemed mindblowing!! So many seemed invinceable that sometimes I felt I would never in a million years be able to match their strength and confidence. If I had seen one or two a bit vulnerable I would have felt more encouraged cos I would have felt we were all in the same boat, so if anyone was hiding a 'slip' I think it is very unfair to the new, scared, and inadequate feeling newbies coming along - just my opinion. I hated owning up to drinking in May but I wouldn't have DREAMT of not saying, I was happy enough to take praise for 4 days, 4 weeks or 4 months, I had to take consequences when I drank.
Momof3, what you say about getting past the 'whiteknuckle' stage is so true, I think I was utterly unprepared for that stage first time round - maybe enough isn't said about it?
K9 - good on you coming straight back - it's not easy, I know my temptation when I cocked up was sort of 'well I drank yesterday so I might as well have a bellyfull today as well and get back on track 'tomorrow'' - I reckon that tomorrow might not come for a long time!
Molly

[Doggygirl]

Here I Go Again

Just out of curiousity, who is it you think is having slips and saying nothing? I dont' see anything that raises that suspicion for me on the threads I frequent. On the other hand, I don't think much about it. I care about people here, but my sobriety is not affected whether people here decide to drink or not, or tell the truth about it or not.

DG

[ladyjan]

Here I Go Again

Doggygirl;957363 wrote: Just out of curiousity, who is it you think is having slips and saying nothing? I dont' see anything that raises that suspicion for me on the threads I frequent. On the other hand, I don't think much about it. I care about people here, but my sobriety is not affected whether people here decide to drink or not, or tell the truth about it or not.

DG

Doggy I wasn't accusing anybody, just the point that when or if it does happen that we shouldn't feel embarrased or feel bad to openly admit to a slip..we are all here for the same reason..fighting the dreaded AL and the damaging power it has on us and our loved ones..
I am here because I was desperate to stop as I had lost my child as most members here know..I was very proud of my time AF and never could've dreamt that I would slip, I hate AL now, but yet I fell, it was not a big disaster as it was nothing more than a few sips, but it was too late the damage was done. My way to deal with it was to openly admit it, not only here but to my doctor & even to the social services...maybe you think that was stupid to admit it to them, but it helped me to admit it, I would've been a hypocrite if I hide it and continued with nothing said and on the 2nd of this month to celebrate 8months AF...
it would've been easy to do and would have opened a danger to continue the lie and start drinking again....back to the hidden drinking...and I know were that would've led..
I am not meaning to point fingers only to state that I do think there sre some members that don't come clean, as is the nature of our addiction..I also care about the members here at MWO, it is my lifeline and I feel deeply for my friends here..
I have not posted this to look for an arguement or nit pick..my point was to K9 that she was correct to admit it here and not to beat herself up too much, & just to get back on track to beating it...

[caysea]

Here I Go Again

Hi All
Had a long post written about how this turn of this tread really got to me. Better to not post. I know that I can look in the mirror and am honest with myself and the members here. Thats all I ask of others honesty.

Stay Healthy and Keep fighting
AF 5-16-08

[Ringing Cedars]

Here I Go Again

I think everyone here would agree that a significant amount of af time is deserving of recognition and respect AND that if someone is counting then it starts as of the last time a drink was taken. That is all.....

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Here I Go Again

Having read back I dont think Jan was accusing anyone, simply making the point that 100% honesty with ourselves and others is paramount and it takes a certain amount of courage to come and admit if we have taken a drink again. Maybe as serious time clocks up it may become even harder to admit that, should it happen, in front of people we respect, those who have tried so hard to help us. This is only natural and shows how serious it effects the person concerned rather than just saying oh well I slipped never mind. No need for anyone to get offended by Jan's post for none was intended of that I am sure.

[ladyjan]

Here I Go Again

KTAB;957497 wrote: Having read back I dont think Jan was accusing anyone, simply making the point that 100% honesty with ourselves and others is paramount and it takes a certain amount of courage to come and admit if we have taken a drink again. Maybe as serious time clocks up it may become even harder to admit that, should it happen, in front of people we respect, those who have tried so hard to help us. This is only natural and shows how serious it effects the person concerned rather than just saying oh well I slipped never mind. No need for anyone to get offended by Jan's post for none was intended of that I am sure.

Thankyou you KT, that is excatly my point, maybe mine was too long winded and became misunderstood, as I wanted to share my experience of going thru precisely that, and the danger that could ensue without 100% honesty, & I am sure I am not unique.
I repeat, you did the right thing K9 and onwards & upwards to beating it.. :l:l:l

[spuddleduck]

Here I Go Again

well lj, i can confess i seriously thought about not admitting one of my slips. of course i thought better of it as that really is getting back into the lying sneaky drinking mode, and as has been said if we cant be honest here we're not gonna be honest anywhere.... hey look, im being honest now confessing i thought about not being honest. errrr???

[ladyjan]

Here I Go Again

spuddleduck;957596 wrote: well lj, i can confess i seriously thought about not admitting one of my slips. of course i thought better of it as that really is getting back into the lying sneaky drinking mode, and as has been said if we cant be honest here we're not gonna be honest anywhere.... hey look, im being honest now confessing i thought about not being honest. errrr???

:H:H yep you got it..my quackie duckie friend.:l:l
that is excatly what I meant... :l

[Doggygirl]

Here I Go Again

Ladyjan, sorry I misunderstood your post. I too had a very difficult time getting back on the wagon after my relapse. It wasn't really an issue of not wanting to be honest about it. For me, it was an issue of having immense difficulty gettig back on the wagon. I just couldn't do it for 8 months. If I relapse again, I have no idea if I WILL be able to get back on the wagon.

That is why I am so strong in my opinion that drinking, of any amount, is not some insignificant event. Sometimes people drink and are able to get back on the wagon right away. But other times, not so much. Many alcoholics DIE after relapsing and not being able to stop again.

That is why I am so very passionate about taking "slips" very seriously. They ARE serious. We don't always like to believe that, but the road to an alkie death starts with one drink.

You won't get any dishonesty from me and you won't get any "that little slip is OK" from me either. That's just me.

DG