Social life?

[BellaC]

Last night I went to a few clubs with some friends. This was my first time since going AF that I went out where pretty much the sole purpose of the evening is to drink and dance. I didn't want to go for obvious reasons but it was a girlfriend's birthday and I couldn't get out of it without hurting her feelings. Ugh, it was so terrible. I was so bored.

I wasn't careless...I prepared for the evening by making sure I had a good dinner beforehand and I brought my boyfriend (I don't think I would have drank if he hadn't been there, but I knew he wouldn't let me if I became possessed or something--my insurance). Plus I knew he wouldn't drink so I wouldn't be the only stone cold sober person there. I didn't have any major cravings but I did of course feel envious of the normies my age that were living it up. I don't plan on going to clubs or bars if I can help it...it would be like a person that's allergic to chocolate going to the Hershey's factory. Not being able to have one substance isn't that big of a deal when you look at life's big picture, but you have to keep yourself out of those situations or you feel totally deprived.

But my problem is that I have practically no social life to speak of. I'm so busy with work and school, then when I do actually have free time it seems the only thing my friends and acquaintances want to do is something that involves alcohol. I know this is a common problem for all of us when we quit...anyone have any suggestions or stories about how they dealt with this? One thing that I've considered is trying out an AA meeting. I was once violently opposed to it, but I think in hindsight that it was because I was scared that I would become dependent on the program/group to maintain my sobriety. Now that I have a bit of sober time under my belt I see it more as another tool, like therapy and MWO, and maybe an opportunity to meet like-minded people.

Sorry for the long post, but if anyone has anything to add I'd sure love to hear it.

[mama bear]

Social life?

Gawd...I don't know that I could have been that strong...good for you.
I would have pled illness or something

[Sunnyvalenting]

Social life?

Congratulations on your successful evening!
Did you at least have fun dancing?
I was AF and went on a 3 day weekend cruise with a few dozen good friends. I think they called it the drinker's cruise. Almost everyone drank significant amounts every night. I stuck to my ice tea and soda/ water, whatever. I had a wonderful time. I danced (and didn't fall down!). I flirted (wouldn't try that with my boyfriend there). I sang karyoke with the others and enjoyed the fun filled days without a hangover. There are many people in this world who don't drink for a variety of reasons and still participate in joyful celebrations. I suspect part of the problem was your own awkwardness and vigilance with a new situation. I suspect that with time and repeated success you may come to enjoy these times. If you truly don't enjoy them and must go anyway think of a way to arrive late and leave early!
All the Best
Sunny

[choice]

Social life?

Hi Bella,
Thanks for posting this social life thread. I have real concerns regarding what my social life will be like sober. I am avoiding all situations that you described at the moment because I don't feel ready to deal with people drinking around me yet. I am only 3 weeks AF today so feel fine with hiding out... but know that I can't forever. I have been at bars and events AF before and was very bored and annoyed with drunks.... but also felt denied at the same time. I'm new to New Zealand via the States... I'm new to being sober too... when people say they want to get together they say "let's get a drink" I keep suggesting other alternatives... but haven't had any interest, and I don't really feel like as you said being in an environment where what I'm addicted to is provided. I guess I'm feeling a bit stumped knowing what to do about this at the moment.
-choice

[Dewdrop]

Social life?

Me too !

Hi Bella,

I empathise with you and Choice and am facing the same difficulty. I?m only 20 days AF for the first time in 25+ years and while I?m feeling okay most of the time, the social events are a bit daunting. I was at a party last night to celebrate the birth of a first grandchild for some very close friends and there were lots of toasts to the grandparents, the baby, the daughter and husband. I managed to pour some tonic into a champagne flute and appear ?normal? but had to leave early because everyone was really knocking back the booze especially one of my best pals. I also have to attend work functions and the free wine flows like water at these, I managed last week to get through one safely but know that I will be pressured at some point to ?just have one?.

I haven?t told anyone yet that I?m off the drink for good so far only that I?m having a detox month and working on healthy eating and fitness. I don?t feel envious or deprived but realise that a lot of my socialising was around drink. I hope what Sunny says is true and that as you progress with your AF time it gets easier, I am just trying to avoid these situations as much as possible for the time being and not thinking that far ahead but I can?t bury my head in the sand forever.

If you guys come up with any ideas I?d be happy to hear of them and I think I will have to take a look at other social activities to get involved in that don?t involve booze. One step at a time though.

Dewdrop :h

[Guest]

Social life?

My social life is pretty busy now I'm not drinking, ok there's some AA in there but alcohol distanced me from friends and society in general. I do find 'drinking' events pointless though and will leave rather than sit around with people who simply want to drink and whitter on. These days I go out to clubs to dance, not drink and pull!

[neart]

Social life?

This is a real problem for me too - although it doesn't bother me being in a pub (in fact, I have found I have no interest in drinking while there) but I don't want it to be the only thing I'm doing. I don't know a huge amount of people where I am living, and am slowly coming to the realisation that if I want to meet people aside from drinking situations, I am going to have to get involved in sports of some kind...so not me! although I do think that by getting into some sports, I have to push my own boundaries and my self-imposed limits, which I suppose is a good thing. Feel the fear and all that

[rebirth]

Social life?

Sunnyvalenting;957854 wrote: There are many people in this world who don't drink for a variety of reasons and still participate in joyful celebrations. I suspect part of the problem was your own awkwardness and vigilance with a new situation. I suspect that with time and repeated success you may come to enjoy these times. If you truly don't enjoy them and must go anyway think of a way to arrive late and leave early!
All the Best
Sunny

Hi Bella

I liked what sunny said because when I initially made the effort to socialise I found it awkward and strange. But I noticed for the first time that there were quite of few people who didnt drink. I was usually too hammered to notice them before! Now I try to enjoy a social event as much as possible. or I tell people that I am not drinking and I dont enjoy being around drunk behaviour anymore. Or I leave. I do believe that your thinking changes as you have more sober days. In AA they say that your sobreity is number one so you protect it no matter what.

I go to AA meetings once a week and it definitely helps me to stay on track. I would highly recommend it. I garantee you will be pleasantly surprised. I am not saying that AA has the answer but it's just another great support system to have.

[rebirth]

Social life?

neart since I stopped drinking I have lost total interest to sit in a pub and drink. I dont see the point in it anymore. It's very boring! Once I drink my diet coke I am full and cant drink another. I just want to go home. lol. What a change in me. I use to be the one who complained when they told us to leave

[mollyka]

Social life?

I'll be honest here. It is the one part of this whole 'journey'(hate that expression but can't come up with a better one) that I haven't solved. I am lucky that I'm not young and single - the scene in my youth was all drink related, I can't imagine what I would have done. I HATE going to the pub now, I hate being around drinkers - they bore me rigid, I get cranky and mean. I know there are loads of things, hobbies, night courses, but I just don't want to do them. Sorry I'm no good on this one:upset::sorry:
Molly

[rebirth]

Social life?

To be honest I hardly went out anyways. I usually stayed home and drank. It was cheaper and I didnt have to drive anywhere.

[Sunnyvalenting]

Social life?

For many of us Alcohol had become the sole reward in our lives. As we go alcohol free we need to choose and create opportunities for fun and "reward" that don't center on our getting drunk. Learning new things is awkward in the "classroom of life". But it is only when we risk that discomfort that we actually learn something! A paradox, I'd say. We may find that some previously pleasurable places and people were pleasurable ONLY because they were drinking occasions. If so we will find out and do something else. There are people in my life who I can meet for coffee but not for dinner! It just works itself out over time.
Good Luck. Great thread
Sunny

[neart]

Social life?

rebirth;958526 wrote: I liked what sunny said because when I initially made the effort to socialise I found it awkward and strange. But I noticed for the first time that there were quite of few people who didnt drink. I was usually too hammered to notice them before! Now I try to enjoy a social event as much as possible.

that has been the biggest shock for me, for sure. I genuinely thought everyone got hammered every time they went out! Actually makes me cringe now to think how drunk I would be, and only realising now how sober so many people were. Oh well... I've been to one sober wedding and couldn't believe how much fun I had. Only difference was I was ready for bed by about half 12 instead of being dragged home in the small hours, like you said Rebirth.

Molly, I know - my tolerance of drunk people has gone below zero. In a way I don't think I'd be as bothered if I were coupled up, but since I'm back home after so many years away, and am now single, I'm really having to think outside the box re social life.

But Sunny, you are right, so I am thinking of going hill walking on Sunday, although after 12 years of smoking, i do find that I'm out of breath, red in the face and unable to speak after about 5 steps uphill - I will make quite the impression, I'd say!!

[BellaC]

Social life?

Thanks for all the input guys! Rebirth, I usually drank at home alone too so that I wouldn't humiliate myself and wouldn't have to worry about driving. It's kind of funny that now since I'm not drinking I have some time to actually be social, but all anyone seems to want to do is social drinking. I guess I'll just have to suggest other things to do that don't involve alcohol (and I'm sure are more fun).