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    #1

    i messed up again

    Okay, so i was AF for around 4 months and this month because of some problem i back to drink again. All was ok for the 1st, 2nd and 3rd time. Because i drank in my room and just went straight bed when im done.

    And then it was my birthday. Me and my friend had couple of beer and then decided to continue in a club ( i just can't stopped ). So all back to my old self, i was drunk and have no idea what i say or did and in the morning, again... i hear those bad things about me from people.

    I know i can't say i hate myself, but, i am, now living with the guilt again.

    Okay, i just want to vent so i feel better and start with AF again. This time no matter what, i will not touch AL again. Cos i know, i can't control if i start.

    So here I am, on my 1st AF and 1 NF again...:upset:
    AF today
    Tags: None
    #2
    i messed up again

    Hi LML, I don't know what it is about that 4-5 month period of being sober - it seems to catch so many people out - me included. What's done is done, take whatever positive you can out of it. If you're like me after 4 months I thought I could control it, now I know I can't - have only just past my previous 4 month time, you say you can't control it - that's something you've learnt and the next time a drink seems like a good idea - just remember that.
    Onwards and upwards girl!
    Molly
    Contentedly sober since 27/12/2011
    contentedly NF since 8/04/14

    Comment

      #3
      i messed up again

      Alot of us have had those feelings lml. I have had it many times. There comes a time when you wake up and think 'that is enough'. Well, thats what happened with me anyway! You are not alone on your journey, and 4 months is a great start. Special events are big triggers for ALL us alcoholics. Your not the first and wont be the last. Day 1 is better than carrying on.
      To Infinity And Beyond!!

      Comment

        #4
        i messed up again

        Dear Molly and Cymru, thank you for your comment. Now i am trying to forgive myself and moving on. I feel it's hard because the self hating is so strong. Now i am trying to read articles that help me about forgiving myself. I used to think i already strong enough, but actually i was just as vulnerable as my 1st AF.
        AF today

        Comment

          #5
          i messed up again

          Dear Sheri, thank you ... i really need the support now. And yours is like convince my self that i can do it again... thank you...
          AF today

          Comment

            #6
            i messed up again

            Hi LML this is a learning curve in my experience. It took most of us years of AL abuse to get to this level so it isnt reasonable to expect it to be all put right in a few months. Bottom line is we have to move on or continue to poison ourselves. There really is only one choice. Be kind to yourself and take credit for your 4 months AF. You did it before and you can do it again, stronger this time with the lessons learned. Day 1, you can do this.
            Ethanol is a toxic chemical, why would I drink it?

            Comment

              #7
              i messed up again

              Love, the best part of this is that you are getting right back on track. I discovered after a year AF, that my old self is not dead and buried. Or healed. Old self is there waiting for that one drink. Now you can move past that and on to the life you love.
              sigpic
              Thoughts become things..... choose the good ones. ~TUT

              Comment

                #8
                i messed up again

                :jumpwow: LML
                Four months is awesome. Instead of feeling lousy, give yourself a real pat on the back for what you have achieved and don't let this relapse bring you down. You have 4 months AF to be proud of...approx 120 days of success compared with one slip.
                When I get to 4 months AF I'll be extra vigilant because of your slip and others who have had the same experience.
                :h Mish :h
                :h Mish :h
                sigpic
                Never give up...
                GET UP!!!

                AF since 25th November, 2011

                What might have been is an abstraction
                Remaining a perpetual possibility
                Only in a world of speculation.
                What might have been and what has been
                Point to one end, which is always present. T.S. Eliot

                Comment

                  #9
                  i messed up again

                  Dear KTAB, Greeneyes, and Mishmash...

                  Thank you for your support. I do feel better today. After all, i know there will be even worse if i beat myself up. Cos, sadness and depressed always lead me to drinking.

                  After this relapse i am very sure that there's no moderate for me, i must stop it all.

                  and i am trying to look at the bright side, maybe this relapse is a reminder to me, that i can't touch AL anymore....

                  once again, thank you guys.... hugs n kisses....
                  AF today

                  Comment

                    #10
                    i messed up again

                    I've been there. Yeah, you messed up, but 4 months is great. Just keep on keeping on. You can do it!
                    RUM IS POISON AF since 09/28/09

                    "The hangover last a lot longer than the buzz!!!" quote from FloridaBoy

                    Comment

                      #11
                      i messed up again

                      I messed up also. Last night. 4 months is great. I am starting again also, so just wanted to let you know we are all in this together.
                      Courage is not the absence of fear, it's acting in spite of it.

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