risks

[waterboy]

So here I am at work, sitting at the netcafe computer with my coffee mug full of red wine. I do not know why I take these risks. I am surrounded by people who would quite happily gossip their way to my livelihood's demise for a distraction away from their own miseries.

I know I have a drink problem of some kind. I just don't know what. It certainly does not fit the category of "alcoholic" as I know it. I wish I had the strength of mind to not let my anxieties get the better of me. I wish I could exercise everyday instead. I sleep so poorly that exercise even hurts my immune system. I have the neighbours from hell and nobody seems to care especially the estate agent who advises me to approach the authorities even though I'm renting the place from them.

I have the familiar dull ache in my right side. I'm guessing that's my liver telling me to give it a break. I am permanently scared. I know that now. I expect bad things to happen everyday and usually they do.

Why do we do these things to ourselves? Why do people like us invest so much in trying to destroy everything including ourselves? Why do we settle for the mediocre version of life? Why do we care? Why do I write this? Why am I scared? Am I really trying to just end myself? Optimism seems such a luxury to me; actually a luxury of the wealthy who this world is tailored for. I think I would be in a better frame of mind if there was some kind of justice in this world.

[rubywillow]

risks

Waterboy, this made me so sad. Every time I read about the lonliness of people in this world, I praise God for the crazy upbringing I had. Perfect? No. Poor? Yes But with the cast of hundreds who were/are my relatives, I didn't know it. And looking back, talking about it, I've been compared to the Walton's, Tom Sawyer, etc. So, it's hard for me to relate, but I can on the drink issue, and that makes us kin. It is our common problem. How can I help you? This is a great place for help, for support. Keep reading, learning, and asking for help, OK? You can PM me any time.

[havefaith]

risks

Waterboy,
I think you already know the answer....Stop Drinking!
It's your choice, Try it & see if your life starts to change?

Remember-You do the same things you'll get the same results......

[mario]

risks

Waterboy hi & welcome to mwo,this is a great community here with lots of good support and advice,you are certainly not alone and we can all relate to what your going through,but we can only offer advice and comfort it is up to you to do something about your dhinking you would also be in a better frame of mind if you did not drink,hope you stick around and give yourself a chance,it can be done,

[hart]

risks

Hey Waterboy. It's a self perpectuating problem. One drinks and gets depressed and feels hopeless, feeling that way we wish to drink again. You know, it seemed so overwhelming thinking about never drinking again, scary, etc. So I don't. I tell myself I may drink again but for today I choose not to. Then, hopefully I say the same thing tomorrow. Do read other posts and even get into chat. You will find a lot of people who feel just as you do.

[Topsy-Turvy-Tracy]

risks

The world will not change. Keep in mind that you and I, poor as we are, have more material wealth than 99% of the people who ever walked the face of this planet. Most of the population of the world would number you and I among those "wealthy people" for whom the world is tailored.

I really relate to the anxiety that you talked about. The more posts I'm reading on MWO, the more I realize that it affects a great many of us. People have various ways of dealing with it in order to get alcohol-free, and I encourage you to spend some time in different sections of the site to get an idea of how many alternatives there really are. There are many choices, and that's good news!

"My Way Out" is a book written by the owner of this site, and it details how Roberta did it. There is a portion of it available for free here, and Roberta's story is at How I Quit Drinking, an Excerpt from My Way Out. Another book being devoured by some on this site is "Heal Thyself" formerly published as "The End of My Addiction." Empower yourself with all the information you can, and then decide on a course of action.

You'll feel better if you explore options. Good luck! Keep posting here. There is an abundance of wonderful, supportive, intelligent people who post here.

[mama bear]

risks

Oh sweetie your message is so sad....come join us...post and learn and we will help any way we can. And you know you are risking everything by drinking at work...right??

[sunshinedaisies]

risks

Welcome Waterboy - it doesn't matter if you see yourself as alcoholic or not - if you think you have a problem with AL, then you are in the right place. we are all at various stages of having problems with AL - the trouble is that it can only progress unless we choose to stop it from progressing. As the others have said, this site is a wonderful chance to find something for you to stop that progression. It helped me nearly a year ago - then I slipped and I am once again trying to stop the AL. I couldn't have done it without this site and the wonderful people here. Read, post, download the book and decide which course of action is best for you. There are lots of different ways and loads of support here. Whatever you choose to do, someone here will have done it and can guide you and help you. I wish you all the best on the journey.

Hugs, Sun xx

[Chillgirl]

risks

Waterboy - Im so glad you did post! You ask the Q why? My answer to that is fear.
Fear that we cant hack it, fear that it will be too difficult, fear of the unknown. But who wants to live in fear?

We get ourselves into cycles we dont know how to break, even although we are in pain, its pain we know and therefore there is a certain comfort in it. What you have to do is take the 1st steps of breaking the cycle, standing up to the demon drink and saying NO. You will be amazed how quickly life can turn around and you will find lots of reasons to live.

Where you are is where I was a year ago, I had an inflamed liver, I drank more than 2 bottles of wine a day, had just smashed my ribs for the 2nd time that year, I was severely depressed and had suicidal thoughts.

If you havent already had a look here's the link to https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html where there are load of fantastic tips. Try making a plan, alter your usual pattern, make yourself take some exercise even if its just a long walk. Identify your trigger times and make sure you are prepared for them. Check in here when you are struggling, there is always someone to help you.

Waterboy, if i can do this, so can you!

[mollyka]

risks

Waterboy, I started trying to get sober about a year ago, with many slips since then. I was where you are then. I was drinking at work - taking ridiculous risks, somehow was never ( as far as I know) rumbled and when I found homelife getting more and more unpleasant cos hubs and children were thick with me I started 'playing' with being sober - I didn't know or think I was playing at the time but that's what it was. In my heart I didn't truly believe I had that much of a problem and I'd just dry out for a while, get family off my back and heal my liver a bit. Since then I've had 3-4 monumental cock ups with alcohol, each time worse than the previous one leading up to the 2nd last time I drank when I actually put my life in danger - the last time was relatively inconsequential - one night only, decided to have one strong drink and drank a litre of vodka and swore never again and so far so good. The point I'm trying to make is that once we know we have a problem with booze - there is NO way back, it just keeps getting worse. It is wonderful actually LIVING life sober - give it a go - within days you will start feeling so much better.
Molly

[waterboy]

risks

feedback

Thanks people. It was nice to read all those varied responses. I think my drinking stems from my unhappiness. I feel like most of my joy has been obliterated by external events and problems. Part of me does want to die. I know that now. I find it hard to be objective and let my emotions govern me.

[K9Lover]

risks

Whats your plan, to continue drinking the rest of the day and night? Your liver is begging you to stop, please listen to it, you can only push it so far.

:l

I'm hoping the best for you :h

[byebyebridgetjones]

risks

waterboy;976915 wrote: I think my drinking stems from my unhappiness. I feel like most of my joy has been obliterated by external events and problems.

....Or does your unhappiness stem from your drinking ?
You know those external problems ? If you take alcohol out of the equation, you will be able to improve your situation, or at least your perspective on it, more than you ever thought possible
Give it a shot.
Good luck mate, you're in the right place.

[waterboy]

risks

Regarding my partial desire to shift of this mortal coil; I don't mean to sound dramatic. It's just more of an instinctive truth that I feel. Is it the alcohol that is killing me or is it me that is trying to? I think I need to give this more thought. Thanks for your feedback people.

[byebyebridgetjones]

risks

if you have depression/suicidal thoughts, that's even more reason to give it up. Alcohol will make it exponentially worse. No doubt about it.